Well, that certainly is a rough one! It might be good for your son that you don't bail him out again even though that's hard on your heart. It might be just the wake up call he needs?

I'm sorry for your struggle. I understand. My 18 year old is in jail waiting to go to prison. His attorney told me that if I had not bailed him out when he was 17 he might have avoided returning to his lifestyle and made better choices. He said sometimes jail is the best determent from prison but they have to be in there long enough to learn that. Of course it may not make any difference for your son. Its so odd but when my son was arrested the second time judge denied bail and I felt lucky that the decision was not mine to make. I know it must feel like a horrible place to be, deciding if you want to bail him out. Whatever decision you make trust it is right. Nothing is permanent.

My parents bailed my brother out over and over again. He never felt the consequences of his actions. He learned to manipulate and lie over many years, and it was exhausting for our family. I remember sharing with an Al-Anon group that I felt like I was helping because "I didn't give him money. I filled up his tank and didn't give him cash." Then someone said, "so you freed up his cash to buy booze and drugs." It was a hard lesson.

But he had learned when he robbed a skating rink at 16, that Mom and Dad would bail him out. So for 31 long years, they doled out thousands and thousands of dollars because he felt invincible. Our family was always in a state of chaos. I moved from Austin to Denver to escape. But I was forced to move back when my aging parents needed help, and he was in jail...again.

His problems affected my parents' health, their finances, and even worse, the lives of his children. His daughter right now is in PRISON for dealing drugs. I came to the board here looking for help because of her. But I'm exhausted.

I hate to share this, but at 47, my brother's drug and alcohol problems killed him. He had surgery, and they told him under no circumstances could he drink or smoke. He came home from the hospital, and that afternoon he started drinking. He had a heart attack and died.

I feel horrible saying this, but we now have peace in our family. I miss him terribly, but we can breathe again. My mom passed about a year later.

The only advice I can give is that you need to preserve YOUR health in all of this. The stress, the drama...it's not good for you. It sounds like you NEED to set boundaries with your son. I always used to tell my parents, "What happens to people who don't have families to bail them out? They SIT IN JAIL AND PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY." The damage is done...my parents would always bail him out because he would cry about "not being able to get a job." The reality is that what he had done was already showing up on his record. No money they could throw at the situation would fix it. And if they had paid for a lawyer, he was still guilty. If he were to get off on a technicality, then he didn't learn anything.

I'm sending a hug from afar. Consider leaving him in there to give him time to realize that there's a better way.