Hi. This is my first time here. My 18 year old son is awaiting trial in the county jail for attempted murder. I look at my life in whole different way since this chapter has started this past April. I go through spurts of every emotion. Mothers emotion: In my eyes he will always be my baby boy. True mommas boy to the definition. A boy trying to be something he was not.The anger: He wasnt raised like this.His father & I busted our butts to get us out of the hood. Only for him to allow his so called "friends"to keep sucking him back. How could he be so dumb? The sadness: By the grace of God the young man did not lose his life that dont make the hurt and sorrow i feel for his parents & his family anyless. I have found his fathers facebook and go on it time from time to see how his son is doing. I fight myself everyday not to message pouring my heart out apologizing for the pain my son has caused their family. Understandably i think i am the last person they want to hear from. This is my son my heart and i will always be by his side. The failure: Its natural for any parent to think about what they did wrong what could of been done different? Why didnt i take the red flags serious? Why was i so naive? The Fear: My son is only 18 locked up with real men twice his size. My cousin tells me i shouldnt let this affect me like this & i should feel ashamed for feeling the way i do because my son is still alive & so many people have lost a child to death. I feel for all families that have lost a child. I tell her my child didn't go to a better place he is in the worst place imaginable & I am still trying to find my way to cope with that. The helplessness: I can't protect my son I can't touch him I can't call him see him when I want. Being strong for my daughter's my son & their father. I have always played the strong roll. The unknowing: Not knowing what's going on in there not knowing the sentence. I truly hope once I do know the time I will do a lot better at coping. The emptiness: I feel like I am on auto pilot things I once enjoyed I no longer do. My son & I bond is strong I swear I can feel everything he does. He is facing 30 years our lawyer is trying to get it down to 5 to 15. We are not a family of means so the financial stress of lawyers payments commissary and phone money I had to get a part time job along with my full time I also have two beautiful daughters I feel I am neglecting due to not having a single day off. But my son needs me to do this right now & for the mean time they have been understanding. I know it's going to get better & I am really trying to get there. Thank you for reading.