I found this group today and really need it so I hope you don't mind me sharing? 

My only son, now 22 got a 6 year sentence when he was 16. He did 3 year, came out and breached his license conditions so found himself back inside. He would be due out in July (after another 3 years) but has a pending charge for a crime he committed in prison so he's looking at another 4 years? 

He rang me a few weeks ago, he was heavily intoxicated on what I think could be spice? I later confronted him on a visit and he said he was high on Prescription drugs he'd got off other inmates? He's converted to Muslim (from Christian) and I believe he's been groomed and possibly radicalised? I got a call on Sunday to say he'd had his jaw broken by other inmate/s and he had to go to hospital but refused treatment as he was cuffed to 2 officers and had to wait for 4 hours so was being stared at by the general public (obviously). To me it seems he's got worse in the last 6 years. He's hardened. He's violent and aggressive. He's taking drugs. He's using weapons. He's institutionalised. I don't know him. He's my only baby. I'm scared. Terrified.

I'm at a complete loss - again. I had a mental breakdown 6 years ago when he first got sentenced (shame, guilt, failure etc), I lost 2 years of my life wanting to die, paranoid, lonely, drinking heavily to escape, not eating, didn't get out of bed, never opened my curtains and in the end was heavily sedated for months and had to live with my parents. I re-built my life, I moved accross the country so no-one knew me, I got an amazing psych and meds, I got a job and payed off my debts, I started to live again. I met the man of my dreams who I plan to share my life with, BUT...

MY SON, he's already broken my heart a billion times and everyday more so, I feel ill, I jump when the phone rings, is he dead? Is someone else dead? Where will it end? Will there ever be a happy ever after? I know in my head - probably not but I can't turn off my heart that hurts, intense pain when his name is mentioned, sobbing at what could have been, what should have been, what probably never will be. 

At what point do you let go? If ever? How is it possible to give up on the most beautiful part of yourself - your child? 

I feel like this is my sentence. My punishment. But I don't know what for? 

I live in limbo, nobody understands me, feels my pain, can relate to my circumstances, not even me. Its a sad, sad situation that nothing or no-one can fix.

If you got this far - thank you for reading. I feel your pain.

R x