Parents of Prisoners Community Group

A group that tries to share with each other how they deal with being a good supporting parent of a prisoner and the unique problems that arise. What to share or not, how to deal with spouse of prisoner, ex-spouse of, children of prisoner which we may not see either anymore,so forth

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hismamma 09/20/2009

I went to see my son in jail Friday afternoon. He seems to be in good spirits. He's the type that gets along well with others, so he's not having any problems. When his father (my ex) found out he was in jail, his first comment was "leave him in there, I'm not helping him get out" That's kind of how it's always been, he's a father when the kids are good, but let them do something wrong and he writes them off. He hasn't had any contact with my son for over 3 months, but now he wants my son to write him. My son being the loving person he is called me today wanting his dad's address (he lives in another town). I did give him the address, but for some reason I feel a little hurt that he would reach out to his dad when I'm the one that has done everything, going to court, going to visist him, giving him money, paying his bills while he's locked up. Do I have a right to feel a tinge of jealousy or even anger? I haven't told my son about these feelings, should I?

deleted_user 09/21/2009

No! That is my opinion. We all would feel the same way. He is just wanting contact with Dad like all children do even if they are mistreated or whatever. Your feelings are natural....you want him to see how much you care....and he does. Each parent gives a child special feelings a boy gets to talk of guy topics to dad that moms may understand but not necessarily enjoy hearing. LOL! and vice versus! He also comes to mom for what he needs.....and not the money necessarily though that does come into the picture. LOL!
Children go to their mothers for the nurturing only she can give and the unconditional love too. So know what you give him he values in a large way! He just might not hardly ever say it though. Guys usually are more closemouthed about feelings....do not take his interest in Dad as a slam against you....for it has NOTHING to do with your relationship with your son.....at all!

Love and peace for your heart...tell it to not take it personal....for it is not!
Love Rhea

deleted_user 09/21/2009

Everything Rhea said - I 100% agree and could not have said it better. Do not lay any guilt on your son by telling him how you feel. We cannot even imagine what is going on in their heads while in prison. I am sure he wants as much support as possible. And as your ex is a fair weather father his support may be minimal anyway.
We mothers suffer so many hurts for our children but our love is never ending. And I think in the end our children do realize who is their one great support.
Good luck to you and your family.
Hugs,
Donna

slc123 09/22/2009

First let me say that boy do I relate to you right now because I just went through the same thing. My ex disappeared from our area back in 2003 and he was the same way. If the kids did wrong it was my fault. So just a few months ago he found out our daughter was in jail and wrote her and gave her his address and email. She asked me if she should write him and I told her to do whatever she felt she needed to do. She did and they are corresponding. Did I feel hurt at first? Yes for all the same reasons you mentioned. But did I tell her? NO! She needs all the support she can get and if he manages to do that, then great. He hasn't been much of a father before so I figure maybe he can try a little now. I think she knows that I have done so much for her and I don't think she is even trying to replace me with him. He abandoned all of the kids and I think she needs closure or understanding and she needs to talk to him to do that. My oldest daughter wrote him off, told him she doesn't need him. She may change her mind on that and my son chose not to write him at all. So with that, I agree also with Donna and Rhea. It will be okay, take care, love, sharon

flmombs 09/23/2009

Well said, girls!

Love, Barbara

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