Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
My adult son moved out and refuses to acknowledge or respond to my texts. When he lived with me for the last 2.5 years, whenever I talked to him about anything serious, he immediately raised his voice to shut me down. Since he hasn't worked for 5 months (he said the job was pointless so he just ignored his employer's phone calls for his remote job and he was terminated) and I've only seen him play on-line computer games and workout, I consulted with a therapist. I wanted to charge my son rent to motivate him to work (I would have given him the money back when he eventually moved out, but I didn't communicate this to him.) The therapist advised me to charge him rent, but to offer 50% off if he went to see the therapist with me for 6 months, twice a month, citing that I wanted to understand him and learn how to communicate with him. This $ amount would not have even coverred half the utilities plus all of the food he eats. :( He had 5 months time to mull it over. Last month, he moved out. He is now ignoring all communication from me, his dad (we are divorced), and his sister. He is unemployed, but has enough money saved to probably survive for a year.
This is estrangement #2. When he was a teenager, he was threatening to burn my house down and refused to follow my rules (weekly family chore, clean his room, complete school homework, and be in a sport). His dad (who I had an Order of Protection against) refused to support talk therapy and discouraged his prescribed ADD medication, so my son chose to live with his dad (where there were no rules) and he refused all of my communication for five years. When we reconnected, we were both so grateful to be reunited. But once we started living together, it was apparent that he has a LOT of anger and now, I just learned that he is also depressed (someone close to him promised him they wouldn't tell anyone.)
I can't stop crying, scared that something bad is going to happen to him. He is shutting his entire family out, he is unemployed, he has never been on his own (although he went to college and got a degree.) He has never paid bills. Ugh. I just couldn't enable him to play video games 24/7 and not take on ANY life responsibilities. I never thought he would actually move out. I'm scared and sad and helpless to do anything. I am sending him a text every 1-2 weeks which is my attempt at letting him know that I am here for him. It's so hard to let go. :(
I think its not good to allow young adults to do nothing with their lives on our dime, etc. I think you have to let go and allow this son to lead his own life as you realize. You did the right thing in my book. At some point, he has to become an adult man and he won't do it with you pushing, helping, giving to him. Its hard on us mothers sometimes as we want to continuously mother. But now he needs to be left alone to figure out how life works.
Because he is not responding to your texts, I would tell you to stop chasing him. Stop texting. He knows you are there for him. Stop pushing that. It also tells him you don't think he can become an adult on his own. The message we think we are sending are not received by the EC in the way we mean them. It is hard to let go but we must for their own good. I also have an adult child who has mental health problems, well I have three adult children if I am honest with you. With each of them, I had to do tough love as in take care of yourself/your mental health so you can have a good life otherwise you won't.
Your son may have depression or a mood disorder that keeps him from being functional in life. But he has to either want a mental health assessment or want change in his life.He will feel better if he is responsible for himself and living a regular adult life. Do not chase him as this tells him you think he can't do whatever in life.
And if he is the kind of person who blames everyone else and punishes people for not doing what he wants, then your chasing him reinforces his manipulation tactics. They work.
Remember, good parents have kids who struggle, or who are users or abusers, or who do a number of negative things. It is not our fault, it is genetic for many brain health disorders. Freud blamed the mother but modern psychiatric research shows he was wrong. Big hugs to you, you are a good mother.
Your words and your advice are very much appreciated. Thank you.
The estrangement is always the estrangers choice. We have no power or control to fix or change them to rethink their behaviors. It may be that he doesn't come back or maybe when he needs money he will contact you. Do not see this with the fear, try to see this as who he is and how he is.
We do have choices at these times. We can allow them to grind us down and lose our happiness. Or we can decide to learn to heal ourselves and learn to move forward and create a happy, good enough life, with or without them. No longer allowing them to victimize us.
I always suggest the book Done with the Crying because it helped me so much, it turned around my defeated thinking. There are other books, too, each has a certain mindset. Take what works and leave the rest.