Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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Children's Health & Parenting
/ Parents of estranged adult children Support Group

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hasty_05
hasty_05

I've thought my 2EDs (estranged daughters) were no contact at this point due to their lack of contact and interest but we had no arguments or declarations of leave me alone, etc. I just found out that the younger ED did move back to the town her dad lives in, probably late last Spring. This estrangement stuff is painful and with my 2EDs, they appear to intend it to be painful to me. It confirms the mean nature of my two daughters which is a painful thing. 


Not being told is a blessing in disguise at this point. Wondering keeps my love churned up. 


I'm doing some work on myself to acknowledge how my own choices impacted them and likely hurt them along with their dad making them chose him during our divorce. It is convoluted and weird but all I can do is recognize my own side of the story and take accountability. I don't want to keep living in the pain of estrangement. I get to chose also. 

TheChickenChronicles
TheChickenChronicles
Hasty,

I'm sorry your hurting. I know all too well how that feels. With my own story, I'm past the point of caring anymore. Some may look at me as a bad mother. I love my daughter and always will...I just don't like her very much.
arfie
arfie
in my own case, i believe that it is the love which keeps the wondering churned up. even with all the mean bitterness my eldest son has spewed at me, that maternal bond remains a potent force of nature.

amen to the fact that we don't have to wallow in the pain of estrangement. even the adults who call me, "mom" have a right and responsibility to make their own decisions. yes, i feel the pain of estrangement every day, but there is more to life than pain. carpe diem.
shelda
shelda
I understand how you feel but lately I don't care as much,I am seeing them not as children but adults who choose to live their own lives which includes not me.I know i should go out and meet friends...etc..but i work full time and have not much energy left.My hobbies are sleeping it gets me through my life which i have not energy for.
hasty_05
hasty_05
Hi Shelda, I have looked at my adult children as adults who chose to live their own life until the recent love bombing (Oh how much we want you to be in our lives and with our kids) that turned into being dumped again. It has taken me a long time to reconcile within my spirit and mind and move on. I know all of this but the long arm of the past has been like a leash around my neck. I've done some reading lately and decided I am dealing with something I can't fix by myself. I realized people have their reasons, my EC have their reasons. If they are going to be mean to me, well I gotta get out of their way so they can be mean to someone else. Like you, I decide to only feed that which makes me happy or content in life. I like sleep also.
3sidestoeverystory
3sidestoeverystory
I don't think it's intended to be "mean nature". It sounds like they are simply living their lives. They don't owe anyone updates to what they choose to do or where they go to live.
hasty_05
hasty_05
3sides— are you an estranged parent? It’s true what you say but I’d like to know more about your story. Sometimes estranged adult sons or daughters come on here and want to justify their own estrangement that they created. That’s pretty hurtful to the hurting parents on here.
shelda
shelda
Like how you said ' If they are going to be mean to me, well I gotta get out of their way so they can be mean to someone else..Thats the truth.When i would try and be with them there was this feeling in me usually of feeling inadequate.Its a terrible feeling when your with your children and you feel not good enough.I would never hang around someone who makes me feel so low about myself.I have quit trying and know i will feel adequate again someday
hasty_05
hasty_05
Shields, that is the feeling I get from my adult daughters. Maybe they need to demean mom to feel superior internally which props up their own insecurities??? I now know they don’t like me and find me difficult and so if I ever see mine again, I’ll have a huge wall up. I think they know I know this, they said it to someone who told me, right when they cut me off again, the last time.

I think we have to examine why we feel this way around our EC. Sometimes it is our own desperate need for love from them (which they withhold). Sometimes it’s a negative attitude of our EC, some people are simply critical and demeaning. They want others to feel less than. Maybe a combination of all of this. I’ve now realized the family dynamics and my role and their role. It’s not tolerable for me. Think about if you feel how you are treated is intolerable or not. Makes it real clear using the word intolerable!
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