Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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Shakota6 04/06/2018

I am estranged from my son and grandchildren. This is the third incidence and my son has never lashed out at me. He's close to 40 and married to someone with OCD. I am a warm, loving grandparent which my DIL may be jealous of. Her OCD is making my son have it by proxy. Weird stuff he's said that sounds like it has come out of her mouth.

Anyway he did communicate with me to explain that he has to curtail anything that makes his wife worse (I don't think she's in treatment and they have never disclosed her diagnosis though it is obvious to me). He said that I "make her nervous." Then he told that he had expected her to improve during the estrangement and he was surprised that she didn't. HA!

So I am leaving gifts on doorsteps without ringing the bell. Communicating with the grandchildren via cards and presents but since this has been going on for 15 months, I feel the need to be brave and do more. Write her an amends letter directly, ring the doorbell for the next birthday gift, etc. I can't just hang back and accept the status quo: more of the same. At least I get to give gifts--and I got a birthday card from my son, thank you notes from my DIL. But my heart bleeds. Thanks for listening. I'll try to offer my best support to y'all.

Herbgardener 04/07/2018

It's enough to break your heart over, and over, and over again, isn't it? I share your pain. ❤

Shakota6 04/07/2018

Yes, it is. There is no real solution to effect a reconciliation. Sometimes I think that compartmentalizing it and forcing yourself to stop thinking about it is the best solution. And it seems to work for awhile, but then, click, something triggers the longing and the pain and I get obsessed again.

If I try to speak a little of my truth to my son, it could worsen the situation, but if I don't reach out, that, too, is a risk that nothing changes.

Talk about cognitive dissonance.

No wonder it's hard to write on this site. Overwhelming.

Thanks for your post. Take care.

urbangardener 04/12/2018

If you have harmed the DIL or ES, then write a sincere amends letter taking responsibility. If you have been a good parent and not abused them, not been domineering or bossy, not been critical, or harmed them somehow, then be careful with that stupid amends letter thing. It often doesn't work although some think it is wonderful. Other experts think it harms the parent more than it helps in cases where the parent has not done anything wrong to cause the estrangement. They won't have anything to do with you but they will accept gifts and or money. Do you feel you need to grovel? I found the book Done with the Crying extremely helpful to me in learning to recognize the abuse and the dysfunction and take back my power. About OCD, your son can't have it by proxy, its a brain disorder, how the brain works through genetics. Its sounds more like they just don't like you, same as my EC think and do. That's a harsh reality for many parents who were good parents. Perhaps getting counseling for yourself will help you figure out how to move forward. Wishing you the best, sounds like nothing you do is right and you are sort of boxed in. But there is hope for a happier life and you can move forward. Best wishes to you.

Shakota6 04/17/2018

Yes, thanks for your thoughts on my situation. I was joking about OCD by proxy; what I mean is that he is brainwashed in some fashion. But you're right: she, the daughter in law doesn't like me. Then again sometimes she seems to.

I don't know and I don't think they know.

What happens with me is that I succesfully stop thinking about them for a time and then can't seem to help but dredge up the millionth rerun of what went wrong, the reasons possible behind it.

I am not going to be caught between doing nothing and being angry. I will give them space but when I do contact them (their birthday cards and little gifts this year, none next year, I am super-empathetic (like the Dalai Lama) and that way, at least I don't fear that I've made things worse for any reconciliation.

My son loves me but does this to me. Alas I am a non-essential, mere fragment of his former life, I suppose. Poor me!

My travel plans are shaping up. I am getting excited about that.

urbangardener 04/20/2018

Personally, I think we are best served by moving forward in our own lives. Focusing on building a happy and good life. Travel is good. Go out and enjoy your life and if you want to be super-empathetic, then do so. Some parents accept the little bit of contact and learn to be okay with it. Others decide they can't be ostracized any longer. Its okay whatever you decide for yourself. Maybe we mothers sometimes have ideas that our adult children should want more contact with us. Like weekly dinners or monthly visits. Maybe this just isn't realistic. Our dream for being grandma is not their dream. This is what happened to me, I had to re-invent myself as my dream of being the worlds best grandma or mother was kind of over due to my EC deciding so. We might be non-essential to our adult children but we are essential to ourselves. Therefore, I encourage people to focus on themselves and moving forward and having their own contented lives.

Herbgardener 04/20/2018

I, too, am working through the book "Done With the Crying." I think it is helpful. It has helped me to make sense of some of what I've been feeling. The hurt is still there, but I may be inching forward. We will see.

Shakota6 04/20/2018

Thank you both for your wise thoughts.

I am an introvert with a chronic pain condition so getting out there and being busy is impossible. I do the best I can.

I've come to the conclusion that listening to Dr. Coleman's webinars and doing a grandparents support group causes me more harm than good because it reactivates all the emotion/turmoil/pain/longing and desire for a solution (there isn't a solution that is I can effect--it's up the parents).

Yes, I was a good parent and a very good grandparent. I did not interfere, criticize,etc. I was available as needed. I just was ostrasized because of their marital problems, which are mainly the DIL who is OCD+ something else. Unstable identity, Not a mensch.

Thanks again.

llamamama 06/24/2018

I feel your pain--it's happening to us as well.

It's like our daughter has Stockholm Syndrome--her partner hates men/my husband and our daughter has gradually come to believe (without memories) that her childhood is the reason for all the ways her life has gone wonky.

I, too was a great grandmother and I think that may have been part of the problem. Her partner may not have liked either my daughter's or my granddaughter's attachment to me.

Right now all I can do is what you've been doing. Every week I send a package and letter to my granddaughter--just little things to--hopefully--delight her and let her know she's loved by me.

I scan the letters and photograph what I'm sending so if she doesn't get them--(and sometimes I wonder), my granddaughter will know when she grows up that I never stopped being her "Ya-Ya".

The one thing that has helped is journaling about it. Having a place to express the pain, anger and unfairness of it has been vital to making peace with it.

Also it's a good place for any communications that do occur--I print out the txts and emails so I know I'm not imagining what she's said and can reread before responding to something new.

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