Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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CyndyH 12/17/2016

Without any real warning or event, my 31-year old son has "stepped away" from our family. Says he has been an angry, frustrated person for the past 2 years and "turns out, it all stems from my parent's divorce" which was 20 years ago. He has been in a long-term, living-together relationship with his girlfriend of 8 years. He has a newer career in welding (2 years) and I helped him to buy his first house this summer (I am a Realtor). I received this news of his chosen estrangement via text 11/12/16. I was shocked and it seemed unreal! I asked if he was stepping away from his family or just me; he answered "Both" and that's the last I've heard from him. He's not communicated with his father, except to say he would talk with him soon after his father left him several vmails and texts, but still hasn't. He's also stopped communicating with his younger, and only, brother; they've been so close their whole lives, and even in adulthood. My heart is broken, I'm confused, I'm scared I'll never see him again and I honestly have no idea WHY!? Over the past month, his father, brother, myself and my husband have all tried calling, texting and emailing to no avail. My sadness and despair has gotten steadily worse as more time passes, and all over the holidays and my birthday....with no contact from my son. Today was especially bad, I cried for hours off and on. I feel like the whole situation is playing on an endless loop in the back of my mind and my ability to cope with anything is nearly depleted. I don't know what to tell people; questions have started coming up now the he's been absent from so many holiday get-togethers. It's becoming obvious that something is wrong, but I just can't talk about it without falling apart yet. It honestly feels like my son has died and nobody knows it but just a few of us.

I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up in January...so I can stop faking the stupid holiday cheer. I don't want any part of Christmas; it all seems so trivial and yet so FAMILY oriented...but my 'family' is a mess right now and it only brings up so many memories of wonderful holidays when my boys were young. And then the really dark cloud moves in and I'm just numb and emotionless.

So....what do I DO?

What do I do to get through to my son to find out what is wrong?

How do I communicate how much I want to help him with whatever is wrong? I've considered writing him a letter every month and stopping if the letters are returned unopened. Since he hasn't responded electronically, maybe he has blocked us all? Just typing that is so weird...my son, blocking us out of his life. Just WTF?????

Do I send a Christmas card? Do I send them Christmas gifts?

I feel so very lost, and my dear, sweet husband of 5 years, who has no children of his own, cannot fully comprehend what I'm feeling as a newly estranged parent. I just can't believe this has happened...his father and I were the best divorced parents that I know; we still get along today. I just don't understand why this has happened, but I do realize that we may never know.

I apologize for this lonnnng first post. It's comforting to know that YOU understand what I'm feeling....I feel very alone in this grief. Please feel free to leave any advice for questions I've posed, or any words of wisdom that you can give. Thank you....

Devastated 12/22/2016

CyndyH,
You should look at one of the other support groups on here. It's called "Christian Parents of Estranged Children" I believe. There are a lot more members and posts--and many responses to everything. If you're a Christian, you will appreciate that part of it. But even if you're not, you will still find the advice and stories comforting. We are not alone. This problem seems to be an epidemic across the country. A lot of parents seem to be having a problem with EC. I'm not sure why.

CyndyH 12/22/2016

Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.... :) Much appreciated.

James1 01/05/2017

CyndyH

Dear CyndyH

My 22 years daughter left before Christmas without even saying good-bye. I can feel what you are saying. I offer you my empathy. I have noticed those days that I am busy is much easier to cope with this loss. I have also talked to a therapist about this. He advised me to be busy and ensure that I am in touch with other loved ones. I am not saying it resolves the problem- I am just suggesting it might help you to cope with this shock and unhappiness that you are facing. Unfortunately, our children judge us without realizing that we are all human being. Please remember you are not alone.

CyndyH 01/06/2017

You're so right, James1.... we are not alone. It seems to be a widespread and mostly hidden epidemic. I am SO sorry that you are experiencing this yourself. I had no preparation for this, as you apparently didn't either? My two sons and I have had a wonderful relationship for 31+ years...I'm just at such a loss for understanding, and so is his brother...he's just devastated, heartbroken and angry at his brother for walking away from our family.
Thank you for your words of comfort! It's so hard to talk with anyone about this.....unless they've been through such loss, they cannot fully understand what it feels like. So many crazy emotions for the first couple of months...but I will say that my feelings/days seem to be smoothing out, not such a daily roller coaster of emotions. I look at our family portraits, from late 2015, every day and I'm grateful that we were so happy and joyful on that day! Mostly I am sad for my son and whatever he is going through, because I can't imagine separating myself from my family....what pain he must be going through. I think (hope) I'm finished beating myself up for being such a horrible mother. I've come to terms with the truth that I'm human, we make mistakes, I've always been honest and upfront with my sons, and if I had to do it all over again, I would parent my sons the same way, except updated 30 years. Thanks for listening... I wish you peace. And a better YEAR for you, no matter what happens with your daughter.

imissmyson 01/15/2017

my son just left me a few days ago... you know what i blame? i blame it on all this technology. our kids are so detached, they grew up in a world of video games, and texting... their relationships etc are all though some type of connection online...and they detach themselves emotionally. they just cut us off by blocking us etc and to us it's as if they are stabbing us in the heart...but they don't feel it. i tried reaching out to my son just to get blocked... cruely, and he even blocked all of his siblings... i can't help but wonder is this a male/boy thing... like is it easier for boys to block mothers out of their lives? i'm so sorry you are going through this... i never ever thought i would... i thought we had such a nice family... i just paid for my sons first year of college and he gave me the middle finger i am at a loss for words.

jnel921 01/20/2017

My 19Y old daughter left Dec 5th. No real reason other than anger. She too walked away from her paid education and a car we had bought her 10 days earlier. I am not sure why this happened. Since then she has given me the cold shoulder and wont speak to me unless I help her financially. I would never do this since she decided to leave. She is jobless living in an apt. with 3 other people. I am really hurt and devastated by this. My holidays were sad unfortunately as well. You are not alone in this... sending big hugs.

Jbcries 02/08/2017

For me its been 7 years since my daughter cut me off and 6 years for my son. They have cut my whole side of the family off. No one I know gets it. They all say what a great dad I was. None of us are perfect but we don't deserve this. I go from being so very sad and crying to majorly pissed off. There is no getting past this. How could there be? How can you possibly get past being stabbed in the heart by someone you love with all your heart? Sorry but I am bitter. And sad.

mustang1 03/03/2017

I think we did too much...gave too much... surrounded our worlds around them. I believe my daughter 34, just decided to have new parents, her in-laws, and just decided to cut me out. Her husband is uneducated, my daughter has a masters degree. I have a PhD. I think I intimidate him so he decided to just not like me and has criticized me from day 1. Once, we all played Scrabble and he was losing, so he tossed the board. I think he talks down to women. During the wedding his father seemed silent and distant as if I were not good enough to even speak to him. After 7 years I decided to just take it as it is really......why? No clue.....my relationship is but texts now. She even says I have caused her to go to therapy. I decide to just forgive her. I have lessened my concern, and I have decided to move on. I am and have always been a great parent. I gave my all...I deserve more if she is unwilling to give...that is her loss....and unfortunately mine. I still cry...I get depressed when I remember the great times. I just know I gave it my all and that was just not good enough.....so I will live on and give to others who respect and appreciate my love.

ginateresa 03/21/2017

This was my first Christmas without my children being involved. I actually skipped Christmas for the most part. I didn't put up a tree or decorate. I did buy gifts for my twin grandchildren and their mother, but that was it. I just couldn't do it, because that time of year was for family tradition....and I lost my family.

CyndyH 03/21/2017

Thank you all for your replies, testimonies and support. It's been 4 months since my son "stepped away" from us all. Still no contact with his father or brother, either. I've continued sending him a letter every month, just a "Hello, how are you doing? Hope all is going okay. I love you and miss you and I'm ready to listen whenever you're ready to talk." kind of letter. Sometimes I'll tell him of some news in the family, etc. Because it's only been a few months, I still have hope that he will come to me and talk about what caused his departure. His thirty-second birthday is next week; I'm sending him a birthday card and money like normal. I guess that's the thing: I'm continuing my life as usual, in the hopes that someday it actually will be, unless the letters start coming back or he indicates in some way that his absence is permanent. Is it permanent? I'm realistic enough to admit that it may be, but for now, I still have that shred of hope.
Keeping you all in my thoughts......

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