Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

0 Online

ILoveMyGkids 06/13/2018

Hello, I am new to this site and in an unfortunate manner, SO RELIEVED to know I am not alone in this situation. I have a son and daughter with six grandchildren. So far, I have missed four birthdays and I have a feeling I am about to miss another one next month. I cannot figure out where to begin as I just don't know where to start. I read so many of your stories that are different yet the same. Yesterday, I was in the darkest place of my life. I didn't think I could go on. Thankfully, my exhusband talked with me and was able to help me get out of the hole and see it is not me. My sisters did the same but only through texts. I loved the advantage of the texts, but this past six months I hate it with passion.

Anyhow, I have been accused of hurting the one grandchild that has been the obstacles of my relationship with my son since he was a baby. At first, my sisters, daughter and father thought it was the extreme shyness. But as he was growing up, we all noticed he would have nothing to do with his dad's side of the family. I also discovered they had gone through several sitters with their jobs terminated due to his fears of them. His youngest two siblings had no issues like him. The daughter in law takes this very personally and has made my relationship with my son very difficult. It has gotten so bad that I would fear what to say around her as many times it would be taken out of context.

Then my daughter situation came in play after she married the man that has made her life so miserable, she tried to leave him several times. Now, she has sent me a letter in April saying I am out of her and the grandkids life permanently. Oh its ok to drop grandkids presents at the door, but I have to knock then leave.

I did talk to my son over the weekend finally after six months of wondering what I could have done to receive the punishment. After hearing his story, I was in such shock I could not think straight. I kept questioning myself over and over "Did I really do that?". I didn't know how to comprehend what had happened that I felt like I wasn't standing in reality (yesterday). Today, I still hurt tremendously but after reading so many of your posts I feel I can get through this.

I know I made my post very long and with lots of holes. I apologize for that. I have never been good with my english and with my communication. I could literally write a book much easier than I could summarize it. All I know is I am relieved to know that I am not alone in this situation and I do hope I can come out of this group with a positive outlook and a healed heart (children or no children).

Thank you all for reading my post. I do hope I can find a chat group that I can get involve with online. Going to a group physically is not an option for other reasons. I hope all of you that are suffering like me will have a wonderful day regardless. ILoveMyGkids

urbangardener 06/16/2018

I am sorry you are hurting so much, this is a sad story with many parents in the abused and rejected boat. Yes, I call it abuse when the adult kids make up lies and do things to be mean and cruel. A book that has helped me tremendously is Done With the Crying. I highly recommend starting there as a way to find a new perspective and work through the issues. I also recommend counseling as. a way to gain new emotional strength and learn to heal. Many parents are finding that they are the victim of lies and ill treatment. So you may have to question the therapist or counselor about their attitudes -- it is common for therapists to think clients should throw away all the "toxic" people like their parents.

Shakota6 06/19/2018

I've missed 2-3 years of birthdays and holidays of the grandkids. It's extraordinarily painful all of it. And this is the 3rd instance of estrangement.

The truth, well, I'm done trying to figure out all the "whys?" of my situation. The endless ruminations leave me feeling guilty.

My mantra is "I'm letting this go." It's been a year and a half and seems like two lifetimes. I leave presents at the door.

I'm letting time and patience do their work. I'm steering myself away from thinking about them. I'm focusing on what makes me happy (besides grandchildren). I discuss my situation briefly with a few close friends.

I've let myself off the hook. I wrote an apology letter (per Dr. Joshua Coleman--he has a free webinar on Mondays about estrangement, you can write him a question). There's nothing left to do. I can't fix the situation. It's all in my son's hands. One time this year I will ask him gently if he and I might have a brief visit.

I think you have to vent and get the whole story out many times. Only then will you come up with a plan to keep your sanity. It can be done!!!

Best to you.

ILoveMyGkids 08/07/2018

Thank you both for your encouragement. I go through spells of not "taking it anymore", then I go through days and days of absolute fear of rejections. Especially, when I don't have much to do. You see, I am legally blind and had to give up driving eight years ago. So its not like I can just jump in car and go do something. It is always someone would have to come pick me up. That for some reason gets to be a burden on a lot of people. Why I don't know. I have made sure that I help with the cost of gas and such. But its like I have for some reason become a demagnetize to anyone. I am sure its all in my head but still. I try to do something with one person, then with the next and the next. I have gotten to the point of questioning my own integrity. Am I that bad of a social person? Do my expressions cause people to turn away? I have done Skype counseling which I have to pay cash since insurance doesn't cover it, but the counselor even turned me away because she didn't feel the Skype had merit. She could be right but I wonder at times, isn't it better than nothing?
I will definitely look into the book that was suggested. Thanks again for letting me know I am not alone in this group.

urbangardener 08/09/2018

Do you have Uber or taxi's in your town? My relative can't see and uses Uber all the time. His blind friends do too. If you have a smart phone, its an app on your phone. Do you know how to use assistive technology to make the phone or computer talk to you? I think you will feel better if you figure out how to become more independent. You are paying for gas for the rides so you could just pay an Uber driver or take a taxi or does your area have rides for people on disability (although these need to be booked in advance). The book, Done with the Crying, is also on audiobook to listen to. My relative helps other blind people and there is a lot of depression when losing one's sight but becoming a person who gets out on their own, knows how to use a white cane and move around confidently will help you. Perhaps even medication for depression? There is mobility training and computer training available from either state governments or local non-profits that help visually impaired folks. Blind folks even have conventions for different organizations all across the USA. They all go to hotels and have meetings and they get around pretty well and have a good life. If you like dogs, maybe a seeing eye dog? I think perhaps if you can feel better about yourself and not so much dwell on what you have lost (kids, GC, vision), you can get back into making a happy life for yourself.

Join the Conversation