Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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missmykid23 09/19/2020

My 23 year old daughter hasn't spoke to me or her stepdad in 2 years. This has been a on again off again situation when she started college 5 years ago and decided to play house with a boy while we thought she was living in the dorm we were paying for. She was 18 and he was 21 and let's just make that long story short that he was using her and was mentally physically verbally and emotionally abisive to her and it took her a long 2 years to realize and during that time had cut us out of her life as we did not agree like agree with this relationship. We eventually reconnected for a short time of 8 months and things were great while she was with a new boyfriend. When they broke up the new issues started. My belief is our daughter suffers from severe low self esteem and that plays a big role in her relationship choices. It is very strange as she is beautiful, smart, funny , talented and can do anything she puts her mind too. She was a 4.0 student all the way through college and even graduated a full semester early.

So let's fast forward to our most recent estrangement . She was devasted over the breakup with the boyfriend. Cried and was so depressed . But she seemed to be pushing through and hanging out with friends and slowly moving on. I noticed she started acting different. The kind of different when there is a boy involved. So I asked her if she was seeing someone and immediately got defensive and bit my head off. Said wasn't serious and he was going back to school soon. Then the avoiding us going to her apartment started and the I will meet you there. And the just not hanging around much. I didn't think much about it at the time as she was a young girl and just getting in a new relationship and I told her to just be careful that I didn't want her to be hurt. As a Mom I knew something was just not right....didn't know what and tried not to push.

well then we get the whammy. We go to dinner with our daughter and she tells us she is seeing someone...and wants to tells us about it before we hear from someone else. We are thinking on no! The college guy is back in the picture ! but no...ziti was much much worse. Our daughter was dating and actually had moved him in but we didn't know that yet...her cousin (this is by marriage her cousin, my husdnad/ daughter stepdads nieces husband! Yes you read that right. My daughter is living with and started dating and played a part in breaking up her cousin(by marriage no blood) marriage and moved in with this guy. Worse part is he is a known cheater. Cheated on his wife (my niece) multiple times . He knew my daughter and knew they were related and pursued her anyway. They knew they who each other were and what this meant and did it anyway. Long story short a divorce happened and now my daughter married this guy!!! This put a huge strain on my husbands side of the family and of course all of our relationships. I advised our daughter that this was not a healthy relationship at all and that if she stayed in this relationship that we (my husband and I ) would not be able to have a healthy relationship with her due to the rift this was causing the family. Needless to say this did not go over good and just exploded into none of us speaking. She had blocked everyone in our family and will not speak to any of us as no one supported the relationship . Had been 2 years this month. I left out so much of the story and there are so many other things . We truly love and miss our daughter. We just want her to be happy and have self worth , self esteem and be a functioning independent adult. The choices she makes are very worrisome but as a parent you have to let them learn but some like this one is very detrimental to a lot of people. I know at one point she was seeing a psychiatrist and was being treated but I don't think she shares all of the things going on. It has been heart wrenching to not have her in my life. It was such a terrible situation to be in as I felt like if I supported her then I was hurting my husband and his family as his niece was so hurt over this situation. I just wish I knew how to handle this situation. I want my daughter back in my life but I can't hurt my other family members with her choices she made. I feel like if I have a relationship with her while she is married to this guy it is like I am saying to the rest of the family I accept and condone her behavior and choice she made.

urbangardener 09/23/2020

Wow, this is really an upsetting story. I can see how you would feel torn up and torn apart. No one wants their adult child to become someone we can't admire. We still love them but we don't feel good about their morals or their character or how they behave or how they treat us. We grieve for the child we love and they go on about their merry way doing their thing. It sounds like your ED (estranged daughter) married this guy after he divorced the relative? It has damaged the family cohesiveness and people take sides naturally. It also shows a certain lack of character on both of their parts, if I can be blunt. I have two EC who lack character, as in lacking good character. We try to teach them differently but sometimes it is simply genetics and NOT our fault.

I read another forum that is very busy and very supportive, rejectedparents.net. So many of these estranged parents are blown off by the other relatives and side with the EC (estranged children) when the EC demand fierce loyalty to themselves by the relatives. So family blows up. And what the other parents say is they feel like the EC's behavior IS condoned and approved of or accepted by the relatives who are still in contact with the EC. Almost all these parents have some real horror stories about how awful their EC have been to them and how manipulative the EC are within the family to make everyone hate the parents. So, you are right in many ways: it will seem like you are condoning and accepting her behavior to some people. And if you beg her for a reconnection, and then later she dumps you or does something heinous to you, would you no longer have your relatives either?

But you have to decide what you feel is best for you. I totally agree that we have to allow our adult children to make their own mistakes. And sometimes, our adult children have some serious issues and are not nice people. I have two EC like this and being in relationship with them has not been good for me. If this ED is not a nice person, does mean things to others, has NO REMORSE, lies, and on and on - well this is not something you are going to ever feel good about. I read a book that describes one of our EC that lies, lacks good character, has no remorse for their heinous deeds, uses people, abuses people and it opened my eyes. It is called The Sociopath Next Door. We feel awful that this kid has turned out like this, relatives have even mentioned it to us "do you think they are a sociopath" type comments. But I will say that once we started accepting that this young adult is who they are and how they are, we could make better decisions. Its very very tough. I am sorry you are going through this ordeal.

missmykid23 09/23/2020

Thank you for the response. Yes I agree the same it shows a lot about both of their characters . Where are their morals? Common right and wrong of lines you do not cross. At least those are my beliefs and we like to think we raise our kids with similar thoughts on those things . It is a daily struggle and has been a strain on both sides of our family. Yes, she liked up with this guy while the marriage was still in tact with the relative and moved in together before the divorce and then within months of that married. Which only makes me think there was a reason for it on someone’s part. Meaning, financially or for insurance or some such purpose. I try to not let it take over my mind and thought on a daily purpose but it does break you when you are estranged from you only child. I hope you might have the ability to have relationships with your estranged children someday. I know we all wish for that but I tell myself that it just might not happen and try to not dwell on it. It helps to know we are not the only ones and to hear others see this in the same light as we do. My daughter likes to say I am controlling and manipulative which have been her go to words when I don’t agree with her actions or behavior. Funny thing is I Always let her lead her on way on anything she wanted to do unless it was detrimental to her well being. That is what you do when you love someone you do everything you can to protect them and try to keep them from making terrible life altering decisions . Thank you again for reading my story and letting me share .

urbangardener 09/25/2020

Here’s the thing, in my opinion, all of us feel hurt from our adult children being like this and the estrangement. Having other children does not make the hurt less. Having a spouse does not make the hurt less. Having just one child that estranges is as hard, not harder, than having multiple children estrange. I have three that have estranged. I could say having three that estranged is worse than just having one that has estranged except that I won’t. This isn’t a race, we are not in competition for worst scenario. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence until it’s not. Sometimes we simply have to get out of the way and stop doing everything you can to protect them and try to keep them from making terrible life altering decisions. Again, my opinion. This can be about us and our internal stuff or issues or our codependency. People get mad when I say this but sometimes a new perspective helps. If you want to move forward and create a good life for yourself, that good life is waiting! We don’t have to limit ourselves to thinking we have no value without our adult children in our lives. Yes, we love them of course but we were once people without children and had our own lives going on. I wish you Godspeed on the path to healing.

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