There is a long story leading up to this one. But, long story short, I have three children. Last year I lost my youngest to Suicide. He was 30 years old. He and I had been in an on and off again relationship. Before he passed it had been about 3 weeks since I had last spoken to him. Prior to this he had been having problems with his marriage. I would often spend time with his 3 children, my grandchildren. The oldest one called me NaNa Rocks. She was so special to me. I loved them all but she was special. She has a rare genetic disorder which causes her to have seizures. 

Anyway, after my son passed my daughter became very distant from me. She said I needed to understand that she just lost her brother. Ummmmm, ok. Keep in mind that this is her brother that she got mad at and hadn't spoken to for over 2 years. And, now, it's been almost 2 years since she has spoken to me. My daughter is almost 37 years old. She is the oldest of my 3 children. She is a Princess. No, seriously, she thinks she is a Princess. I did whatever I could for my daughter. I didn't have much. So, I let her spend a lot of time with my Grandparents and Aunt. They had money and could give her things and take her places I never could. However, this was my mistake. At age 15 my daughter moved with me across country. She was no longer able to spend time with the "Rich" side of the family. She was stuck spending time with me. I couldn't afford to give her the things she wanted or let her do the things she wanted. So, as a mother, I had to say no a lot. Plus, she was a Teenager now and it wasn't very easy raising a teenager alone. However, I did let my daughter fly back home for Holidays and spend time with the family. I couldn't afford to go and no one bought a ticket for me. Well, when my daughter turned 18 she quickly moved out and roommated with 3 of her friends. So, from age 18 to 36 my daughter has not spent enough time with me to know me. However, she will tell you exactly what kind of person I am. Or so she thinks. As far as I know, the reason my daughter isn't talking to me now is because her younger brother (my middle child) said something to upset her while he was on the phone with her in my car and I didn't tell him that she isn't a "joking" person. Ummmm, ok.... whatever. She has a 12 year old daughter (that has spent so little time with me that she backs away from me when I go to hug her when I do see her) and a new baby (that I haven't seen).

And speaking of my middle child, he hadn't been speaking to me for several years. When I left to move across country (I had to leave him and his brother because an idiot Lawyer told me if I took them with me I could be arrested for kidnapping. I didn't find out until later that was not true) his father and step-mother said many horrible things about me. They brain-washed my boys against me. I would come home and try to see them and they wouldn't be home. I would call to talk to them and they wouldn't be available. They told my son's "If your mother loved you, she would not have left you". I did all I could to try to see my boys. I supported them the best I could. I paid child support! When they became old enough to drive, I would help them with their car payment and insurance payment whenever they would ask. I never denied them anything! However, I saw on Facebook my own son call me a Bitch. There was an entire argument going on about me that I wasn't even involved in. It was directed at my daughter. She was defending herself but not me. And this was after I had been divorced from my ex-husband for 12 years! His wife and her children were saying such horrible things about me! I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET THESE PEOPLE! And my son and his wife were also in on the conversation. For whatever reason my son's wife hates me. She has met me ONCE... briefly! After my youngest son passed, my other son came over to make ammends. We became close. He asked if I would "Help" him buy a Mustang. His younger brother had a Mustang and had always wanted him to have one but he could never afford one. I told him I would cosign for him. Well, long story short, the Mustang ended up solely in my name. My son was supposed to pay half the car payment and the insurance. Well, that never happened. I made ALL the car payments and ALL the insurance payments. I had to because my credit was at stake. I was doing ok until I divorced my now 5th husband (yes there was a 3rd and 4th I didn't talk about). I had the Mortgage and all the other bills to pay for. I was drowning and contemplating Bankruptcy. Then one day at work my son called me. He said "Mom, I'm alright but I totaled the Mustang". I was so thankful my son was alright. I had already lost one son. I couldn't bear the thought of losing another. 

The Insurance company deemed the Mustang a total loss and paid it off. I no longer had that car payment and insurance payment. However, I lost my son. My son asked me if I was going to "help" him buy another Mustang and I said no. I told him I couldn't afford to. A few weeks later he asked if I could help him buy a computer. Again, I told him no. My finances are still a worry to me. So... I have not heard from him since. I have sent him text messages but he doesn't respond.

I know I'm not a terrible person. I know I wasn't a perfect Mother and that I made mistakes in my life. But, were those mistakes so terrible that I deserve to be treated like this??? 

I'm sorry this is so long. It's actually very short compared to the back story if I had written that. I've had several people tell me that I should write a book about my life. I wrote just a portion about my parents and read it to my Therapist and he cried...