Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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phatmama 07/08/2018

Hi. I am new here and just want to say hello. I am a 49 year old mom who has been verbally abused, ignored, and utterly rejected by my son for about six years now. At this time, he is 19, so for many years, I just chalked it up to puberty and was in denial about the fact that his behavior was far more serious than just normal adolescence. Now, however, he is getting married in two weeks and just yelled at me to "shut the fuck up, motherfucker!" and "just get on back up the stairs, idiot!" when he was annoyed because I asked him to move some belongings from his room out of the hall so we could all get through. For some reason, that was the last straw, and I told him that I am no longer making his car payment and am selling it on Monday. When I said this, he flipped out and started threatening me and then told me I am not welcome at his wedding. To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. Although he has been verbally abusive with me like this many times, yesterday it finally clicked that this kid really hates me and can't stand the sight of me. As soon as I realized this, I went outside and cried until I dry heaved. I felt like my entire soul was being ripped from my body as I remembered the day he was born, his soft blonde curls as a toddler, giving him a bath and wrapping him up for a bottle and a cuddle, the snow caves, airsoft wars, hikes, the funny voices he used to do, how he could quote almost entire Disney movies with the accents like Robin Williams. He was such a sweet, funny, unique little boy and an absolute joy to raise. In no way did I EVER imagine that he would turn into this cold, hostile, detached young man who enjoys degrading and bullying me. If I had any idea that parenting him would hurt this much, I can assure you that I would have never had him in the first place. Does that sound awful? Seriously, I cannot imagine why people even decide to have children when an outcome like this is a possibility. Right now, this latest incident is very fresh, so it hurts just to draw a breath and be alive and face a new day. I am not suicidal, but I have no desire to go on, either, if that makes sense. I just want to go to bed and cry until I die of old age, whenever that may be. I miss my boy more than words can ever describe. I miss him with all my heart. He was my lovely child, my easygoing one that made me happy just by getting up in the morining every day until he was 13 years old when everything changed. I am blindsided by this. I had no idea when I became a mom that something like this could ever happen. I am so hurt that it happens to enough people that a support group is even needed. My prayers are with all of us together in this Hell.

Shakota6 07/09/2018

You are going through a lot here. Not only is he getting married and moving out, but this has been building for a long time, years.

As Dr. Joshua Coleman points out, kids aren't fully mature mentally until about the age of 26. So, your son has quite a long way to go. I think this is a hopeful fact.

Try to pull yourself out of your emotions a bit. It doesn't help to stay sad, to cry about it, to go over and over it. Don't blame yourself for what are your son's problems, the anger, etc. Set some reasonable limits with him if that's possible right now. Again, the key is to regain some calm, and to look at the problems objectively.

I missed both my sons terribly when they moved out.

urbangardener 07/14/2018

I hope you can see that the problem lies within your son. He is abusive, cruel, and intentionally harms other people. Plus he is a user. If he is old enough to get married, he should be paying for his own car. I would suggest three books, Life Code, The Sociopath Next Door (to see if he fits the pattern), and Done with the Crying which I think is better than Coleman's book. The main thing is to start looking at him as he is now and not the sweet little boy of yesteryear. Best wishes to you. I have an abusive son like this and it took counseling also to realize the problem was within him and I can't change him. We can't change other people. Only ourselves. Nothing you do will make him act nice or treat you well. Its not about you, its about something inside of him that is broken or damaged to allow him to be such a butt.

Tmlm 07/19/2018

I'm going through something very similar. My daughter sounds a lot like your son. I go from being angry with her about the lying, stealing, yelling & blaming me for everything under the son, to feeling bad for her. She wouldn't act like this if she could help it right? My heart is just broken over the way she is now compared to the funny, silly little girl she used to be. I'm so jealous of my friends & relatives who have close relationships with their daughters. Sometimes I find myself so depressed about it, I don't know what to do. Then the questions start- what did I do wrong, maybe I should have handled this or that differently. All I can do is pray that one day she will change. & pray that one day she won't be so angry. She's going to be 21 this year.

venusfreedom 07/21/2018

I appreciate reading everyone's comments. I now know I am not the only one. My daughter is with her boyfriend in Europe who hates me. I have lost her.
I write and write and there is no response. Is her boyfriend confiscating my letters?

urbangardener 07/27/2018

We don't know if the BF is confiscating the letters. Its wise to think through maybe situations but we can also be very wrong. The answer probably lies in how your daughter acts, and her pattern of behavior. I assume you can't text or call. You may never know. So now you have the option of continuing or changing your actions or finding another option. Its a difficult path for we parents and I am sorry you are being cut off from contact with ED.

Mamen 08/01/2018

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to so many parents. This is new to me and makes me very sad. My daughter, at 19, has moved in with her boyfriend's family and all but cut us out of her life. She has spit on our history and made it like she had a horrible childhood and has forgotten all the love that was there. I too, remember the loving, sweet, little girl and wonder what happened. My thoughts are with you and all the parents who miss their children. Never in my wildest dreams (or should I say Nightmares) did I think this would happen.

MyEden 08/02/2018

Wow hello all, as l read these rely the tears roll on pillow as I feel Im not alone, but i dont know where to start as there's been so much but in the last year both my adult children have turned on me ... 25 on Saturday and 28 last week and put it this way I wasnt invited out with my eldest birthday and my soon to be 25 year old daughter told me I needed to be out the house for the whole weekend as she didn't want me around . My story is long and so complicated with so many twists and turns ....

urbangardener 08/04/2018

Oh, MyEden, that sounds like such abusive stuff to dish out to mom by telling her she has to go somewhere else the entire weekend so daughter has the house to herself. Do you see the abusive nature to this or do you take it personally, thinking you are the wrong one. If this is your house, how dare she tell you to leave and I sure hope you didn't leave. Imagine this was an abusive spouse, and your friend was telling you the same story. You'd say stand up for yourself and don't take the abuse. Why are we women so willing to take abuse from our adult children, especially those 20- somethings?

mzhobbs 01/15/2019

I have read at least thirty stories tonight, all in an attempt to find an answer, or a little bit of hope. I don’t know where to begin, and it sounds like my son has visited all of you... lol... your stories are mine. I have never wanted to give up on him. He will be 30 in September. He is my only. A year ago he attempted suicide, and got treatment and a diagnosis of borderline pd. But he quit counseling and he stopped taking medication. I have always tried to keep in mind he has an emotional disorder..... But today, he told me that he wished that my cancer (5 yrs ago) had taken my tongue. That it would be better for him to never have to hear the crap that comes out of my mouth, to never hear my voice at all would be heaven for him. He hopes my husband will die. And he is keeping every text, facebook post, etc., to destroy us one day when we least expect it. Is this borderline speaking? I don’t know.
I think I have to accept the real possibility that he hates me. And he wishes bad things to come my way. I am just like one of you who wrote: I want to get in the bed and stay til I die. I have read so many books. I listen to so many podcasts. Im so tired.
I am so sad.

Grammy-in-ct 04/22/2019

My daughter left me 4 years ago. Up until 32 she was loving and we had a very close and loving relationship. We did so much together. My grandson was 5 1/2 when they left. I watched him once a week. I helped them financially so many times. My son in law was treated like a son. My grandson adored me. We even gave them a temporary mortgagee to buy their home. When they were two years over due with financing we asked when they expected to honor their obligation, Refinance and give us our money back. ( It seems when you ask them to stand on their own and stop financing them ) They change. They lied to my son in laws family telling them they left us in a good position and moved out of state. We did not even know they were moving. I have not seen my grandson in 4 years and know he has been lied to also. You can imagine my pain unfortunately. I too wanted to exit this world. What a mistake that would have been. You are allowed to live a happy life. You deserve it. I know the pain is hard to overcome. You find yourself seeking answers that do not come . Like a simply WHY???? Something/someone changed them. Thank god I am here to fight for my grandson today. I am pursuing grandparents visitation and will continue to let my grandson know I did not abandon him no matter what. I have a wonderful soul mate and am able to feel his arms around me every day. Once robbed of love I am finding my way back. You can too. Read ' Done with the crying " for abandon parents - I think it saved my life! Another good read is " Abandoned parents the devils Dilemma" There are answers in both books. I remember my lovely daughter but do not know this person she has become. She is living a sad life for sure without her mother.

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