Seek help...you cannot keep drinking....it does get better.

Thank you for your concern but this has been going on for over 13 years. It's not going to get any better. There has been too much damage. But thank you..

You sound very depressed and I sorry to hear your pain. No one has too much damage or is beyond help. Please seek help, either AA or a behavioral health hospital to get sober. Your relationship with your son and your depression are made worse by the alcoholism. Therapy would help you learn to cope with your life and skills for improving your life. It might be that once you get sober and emotionally healthy, your feelings and thoughts will change. There is hope and there is life for you in the future. You have value and worth, if only you believed it.

Thank you Dominic. Your very wise for someone so young.. I will take what you say into consideration.

I feel your pain and totally understand. I can't believe that your son would threaten to get you fired. That had to hurt. But, you know what? My kids (two of three) would stop at nothing to hurt me....but I feel like it's a victory for me to try and be happy and live better. Live for MYSELF for a change. I drink too, but It was only clouding my thoughts, making me more depressed, etc. I am climbing back out of my hole now. It's not easy, but the best solution is to live for you. Forgive yourself! You can't change them, nor the past. The only thing you can change is YOU. I refuse to let the sorrow take the REST of my life away! All my kids are grown and now I can even get excited about buying myself a new pair of underwear instead of $150 tennis shoes for my boys. I'm doing for ME now. Try, victoryrose, to pick yourself up. Give yourself a new life, another chance. I'm not preaching.....I'm speaking--because I've lived it.....and not healed and all rainbows and sparkles yet either. (((((((victoryrose44))))))))))

Thank you so much for your reply. Losing a child this way in incompressible.. it's worse then a death. They are basically telling you that you have no worthiness as a human being. No reason to exist. I will never get over this horror!!

Thank you again GinaTheresa! I read your comment sober and it really made a lot of sense!! You can't change the way your children view you or the past! All you can do is go on from here.. I feel your pain from your two kids. I thought about this.. if my son did the "wrong things" as I see it, would I stop loving him or telling him that I would get him fired?? NO! Because I love him unconditionally! Nothing would make me stop loving him!! Nothing! Except that now I know that he must not love me ? Because he can't forgive me.. I totally agree with you. Maybe the only one who needs to love me is ME!! I need to learn to forgive myself!! Thank you sooo much Gina!!!

hi all.... I have had estranged daughter for over a year... My daughter-in-law and son listened to her complaints about our dating rules.. twice a week during her last year of school. She was boy crazy and very sneaky. They told her I was basically too strict and she could move out because she was 18. She refused to let me have her open house and I and her sister stayed home on graduation night. I was sobbing and almost felt I was having a n. breakdown from the pain. I had been a stay at home mom and given the kids everything...and I mean everything and also felt we taught them good work ethics, etc... The betrayal was so deep from my son and his wife... My daughter in-law just graduated with a masters in Guidance Counseling... the new mentality is not the same as my Christian faith and they helped her get her way... with enabling big time... the story is very twisted.. I have cried till I am sick.. I also am in counseling.. I feel your pain. None of them are talking to me. She moved in with a friend from my church... who also took her side and called me nasty names. I am praying that someday they will get tired of having her live there. She has 3 more years of college... Thanks for listening.

I also feel that this pain is the worst pain... grief counseling is helpful. There is really no closure.

Thanks for sharing your story! I completely understand what you are going through. I haven't seen my Son in almost 13 years! I've never seen my Grandchildren and I know NOW that I never will! For an adult child to break away from a parent like that, there is something in their mind that feels that something that "happened " was so unimaginable" that it cannot be tolerated. Whether real or imagined. I've been reading a lot about this subject and have found that children 50 years ago never abandoned their parents like that. That in today's world we are so concerned with how they are feeling about the way we have raised them that they are blaming us for EVERYTHING!! I didn't do a great job of raising my son but he knew that I always loved him. I spoiled him at Christmas, etc.. Today, my son has become my worst enemy. I KNOW that I have to let him go or it will kill me! I have been completely dysfunctional since he told me to stay the hell away from his family or he'd have me fired from my job! Only an enemy would say this! You have to let them go if this is what they want! Though it is complete and utter heartbreak. Think about this, how would you feel if you hurt your child as much as they have hurt you right now? You would be devastated right? Why are they NOT devastated that they have hurt you? Though you gave them life, let them GO! No one has a right to hurt you that much! For your own survival, let them GO! Go on with your life and best of luck and peace to you!!

We each have a choice. Nobody understands the ongoing pain and suffering of losing a child. Why is it that so many good moms lose there children? I was a single mom and gave my daughter so much love and positive encouragement. I know she was spoilt but she was my life and I wanted her to have a happy childhood. The mistakes I made were not setting the right boundaries and not standing up to her abuse when she was a teenage. She grew up confident and happy, she has a husband who loves her and 2 beautiful children. They live in a big house with land and stables for the horses. They have no financial problems and a great social life. But she hates me, has no respect and is abusive. I'm sure my daughter is narcissistic as she has cut all my family out and is now doing the same to her husbands family. So good parenting is no guarantee to escaping the agony of an estranged adult child. Do not blame yourself, you did your best under difficult circumstances. Not of children raised by parents with problems reject their mothers. My father was a violent alcoholic who regularly beat his 6 children, we were terrified of him. He rarely spoke to us unless giving an order and he told me aged 12 I was a disappointment to him. I have carried that label with me my entire life. But I still love and miss my father who died 15 years ago. I cope with the loss of my only child by starting the day listening to a hypnosis cd ( www.hypnosis downloads.com) which is helps ease the stress, anxiety and the pain of separation. Then I go for a walk in the countryside I find to get in touch with nature really helps ease depression. I read 'done with the tears' a self help book on for mothers who have no contact with their child. I try to keep busy doing the things I enjoy and see my friends. I have learned to give up alcohol because it doesn't help. I try to eat a healthy diet. This is what I find helps for me. It also helps knowing that I must get on with my life and try to be happy as I'm sure my daughter is not thinking of me. I remind myself that I always felt anxious around my daughter and knew she could fly into a rage at any time leaving me feeling humiliated and bullied. When I have no contact with my daughter I do feel more relaxed. I don't miss how she makes me feel and she only ever contacted me when she wanted something. So I made the decision for my health and well being I'm going to have a happy life with or without my daughter. You must let go of your pain and move on. It doesn't mean you don't love your son and he will respect you more. Please get the help you need to stop drinking. There is help out there and there is support. You are more than just a grieving mother, you are not your pain or your drinking. The real you is a beautiful soul inside who loves her child and you deserve a happy life. Human beings are not perfect but you are not a bad person. You are right when you say, ' I need to learn to love myself.' You have been through an ordeal and you need tender loving care to heal. This has happened over a long time and you won't resolve it in a day. Please sit down and make a plan. Try to do one thing in the morning to start the day off right a 30 min meditation cd would help you I'm sure, but you must do it every day then build on it. Cut out the negative things over a period of time including negative thoughts that drag you down. Tell yourself, ' I refuse to worry about things I cannot change.' Please try not to contact your son more than he contacts you and when he does, try to make every experience a positive one. If he says horrible things to you say, ' I'm sorry you feel that way.' That way he can't argue with you. Try to take up new hobbies do things you find relaxing and make you feel good i.e. Join a singing group - its good for you and it's fun. Also keep a journal as writing helps get rid of the stress. Write down one good thing you have achieved each day i.e. Chatting to a friend who cheered you up. Just keep moving forward and build on the new positive you. Happiness is a decision. You can do this. All the very best of luck I know you can do this. Don't be afraid to ask for help but you have everything inside yourself to overcome this. Focus on what you want and the people you do have in your life. It's never too late I promise you! Believe in yourself you have nothing to lose and everything to gain! Good luck!

Dear Squirrel, Thank you so much for this lovely, well thought out message. I appreciate the time that you put in to this, and agree with everything which you have said. I am doing a lot of research on this subject, to try to understand the mind of my Son. This seems to be a current generation issue. This generation has been taught (and I mean post Dr. Spock generation ) to be concerned about what WE are doing to our children, and to be concerned about how WE have affected THEM. I believe that we may have created a generation of narcissistic children. Concerned only with their own happiness. One hundred years ago, children never disowned their parents, no matter how abusive the parent may have been. They were taught to love and respect them because the Parents brought them into the World. Today, we face child abandonment of their parents. As a result, a whole generation of "Grandchildren " will never know their Grandparents.. I think that Dr. Spock was DEAD WRONG! God knows when he created us that we would NOT be perfect parents! Our mistake was to allow "Experts" to get involved in our lives! No one has a right to intervene in a families life except the family!! My Dad onc told me, (A Pearl Harbor survivor) If you don't start demanding respect from your son, he will spit on your grave! This is what he has DONE! Only I'm not dead yet! Thank you so much for this message. I wish you peace as well. I KNOW what you are going through!!!