Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
Hello! I'm a new member who just discovered this site and am so happy that it exists because I really need some help in coping with an episode of estrangement that began a few years ago when two of my three adult children joined together in cutting-off ties with me. They are both boys. They tried to get my adult daughter, their sister to join them in this, but she refused and now they are distancing from her, as well. As far as I can tell, it has to do with a financial boundary I set with my younger son and his wife but they don't acknowledge this. It breaks my heart, but I'm responding by simply giving them their space. The older son is initiating some general communication via text but not about the estrangment but rather about geopolitical topics. I'm divorced and had to deal with their father undermining me to them toward the end of the marriage and afterwards. I'm guessing that his new wife and my daughter-in-law might be encouraging this estrangement. When my younger son got married, I paid for a lot of things they dropped hints about needing and wanting. I stopped this when the daughter-in-law escalated the wants and needs and began giving me the silent treatment if I didn't immediately come forward with the money. My son earns enough now that they really no longer need my help financially but he might trying to stay out of debt and limit her spending.
A Ted talk I saw cited that too many parents feel guilty for their children's poor behavior, but there is research that shows that much of behavior has nothing to do with the parents, and is really who that child chooses to be. Still, it's so hard to accept. We gave our everything, sacrificed so much, and the estrangement feels like a big FXXX you. So much pain. But, perhaps we can learn to see that it is actually their choice for whatever reasons (insecurity, anger, hurt, personal gain in some other way, lack of empathy, etc.) that have nothing to do with US, and all to do with who they really are at this time. At least we can still have hope that one day, they will come back around.
"Don't let the unhappiness of your unhappiest child ruin your own happiness (life)." I like that version better. We can not let the unhappiness of another person hold us in emotional prison.
Bonbon and Godawful, for me its a SIL that only wants his family included in the relative list. His dad is a rip roaring alcoholic yet that is "better" than those of us who life functional lives. It is often called enmeshment.