Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
I have not spoken to my daugter since 1999. I've healed from this, but now I have an issue.
My mother who is 93 years old is not long for this world if you know what I mean. She has all of her funeral arrangements taken care of. Her church will be handling the funeral.
My estranged daughter lives about 2-1/2 hours from my mother and I.
My estranged daughter is on drugs, and is bi-polar and doesn't take any medication for the Bi-Polar.
I have a grand daughter by this daughter who is very close to my mother.
Here's the issue: When my mother passes I DO NOT want my daughter to attend her funeral. I do not want a scene......my daughter would make this dramatic scene, yell and scream at me, cause all of kinds of embarrassment for me. I do not need this at my mothers funeral.
My thought is to just not notiy my daughter of my mothers passing. Let her find out about it after the funeral. HOWEVER, I don't know how to handle the grand daughter issue. If I tell my grand daughter of my mothers passing she would want to come to the funeral...............not only that she would tell her mother of my mothers passing..........then my daughter would show up for the funeral.
What do I do????????
Funerals are not invitation only like a wedding is. If your ED causes a scene, its not about you and your faults. If she causes a scene, everyone will know it is about her "problems." And we can't know 100% that the ED will act horribly at the funeral, even if she acts horribly in other situations. You can assign a relative or church member or two to escort the ED out if she goes berserk. You can ask a relative or friend to sit with you and act as a physical buffer or "protector" of you should you need such.
Now, I also feel that when our adult children estrange from us, we don't have to announce these family situations to them. What I mean is, that by estranging from us they may be cutting off their pipeline of information. It isn't clear if the granddaughter is an adult or not. I guess I would say if the GD is an adult, then you tell her. And if the GC is really close to your mother, the GC will know that death is approaching.
The problem with lies is that they make the other person very angry. So lying by omission (not telling either of them) could cause a backlash against you that you may regret. Only you know what is best and what you will be okay with later on should there be ramifications for not telling them ahead of time. Again, I am sorry you are facing such a decision and such stress.