my middle aged offspring are still holding me to poor choices of words i made under duress 35 years ago. accordingly, i'm the star of all the mommy-bashing threads on social media.

i don't expect i'll ever be able --or even want-- to stop thinking of them, but what they do or don't think has very little bearing on my pursuit of life after parenting.

I am so sorry, Shelda. What you have described is very mean and intolerant and is also rejection. I don't know why some people are this mean. I do see that my two EDs have a mean streak while pretending to be so nice. They have always been mean to my son, or other playmates, and then accused me of favoritism for not allowing abusive mean teasing of each other. Of course, their dad encourages this division, he tells them they are right to say what mean stuff they say and that only he loves them.

I had an interesting to me text message exchange with my son recently. He asked do I want to go visit one of the EDs this Thanksgiving or Christmas. I finally flat out texted no and why. I said they are currently no contact and this is the relationship they chose to have. I wasn't angry, I said I forgive them and this is acceptance.

Besides, they always have plans with the other relatives and have never invited me for the holidays. Years of this. When I lived near, they still tried to ostracize me but one of the in-laws insisted they invite me the day before (that was Mother's Day). I felt less then but that was the beginning and it took me many more years before I wised up and gained more self esteem.

I also felt free being direct but kindly with my son. The way his sisters are affects him and they are mean to him. I do feel better in finally having the opportunity to say what I wanted to say in that I have freed myself from the chains of chasing them.

My spouse has this saying "who needs enemies when you have relatives this mean and awful acting" -- enough said. We hang onto them sometimes because we gave birth to them and we have these thoughts that "a good parent should do X" or "they are all I have".

Hang onto your own internal sense of being "okay" and "enough". Get yourself a few mantras that are positive and say them daily. Here is one of my current ones: I can both love my EC and find them difficult and mean personality wise. Or, I can both love/forgive my EC and let them be. I can both be a good mother and have estrangement in my family. These are what are called both/and statements to enlarge our perspective.

Hasty_05 my daughters ignore their only brother as well and when my daughter got married and her friends showed up they said i didnt know she had a brother. He has never forgotten this either. My daughters get together for the holidays and my son and i are allowed to come over later that day for dinner. My son is married but his wife and i do not get along and thats another story.Doesnt stop him or his 2 sons from coming over to see me though. Possibly if my husband was still alive i wouldnt mind that much,this year is a new start and am going to have meals with my son and my daughters can enjoy themselves.

Hi Shelda. My partner is still shunned by his step children. He is not even sure exactly what their beef is. He thinks it's because he chose to continue to live and that he and I found each other. They act like they are angry he lived through his open heart surgery yet their mom never recovered from hers. I personally think they became scared of his increasing health issues and don't want any future considerations or possible burdens. He is filled with yet another layer of loss and grief. All I think is that they are selfish self centered brats. They have no empathy or caring about anyone else's feelings. So sad to find their generation is like that. I think to myself how they are teaching their children how to dispose of the inconvenience of a an aging parent. Well it's their loss and I will be there for him as long as God is willing. May they be as lucky when they are old and an inconvenience.

Hi Shelda. My partner is still shunned by his step children. He is not even sure exactly what their beef is. He thinks it's because he chose to continue to live and that he and I found each other. They act like they are angry he lived through his open heart surgery yet their mom never recovered from hers. I personally think they became scared of his increasing health issues and don't want any future considerations or possible burdens. He is filled with yet another layer of loss and grief. All I think is that they are selfish self centered brats. They have no empathy or caring about anyone else's feelings. So sad to find their generation is like that. I think to myself how they are teaching their children how to dispose of the inconvenience of a an aging parent. Well it's their loss and I will be there for him as long as God is willing. May they be as lucky when they are old and an inconvenience.

The best advise i can give is to forget about them.Easier said than done i know ,but he went through open heart surgery and lived,they should be full of joy. Something wrong with them.Seems like anger is everywhere now especially for people who need help.

I’m a few months late to this but I can relate to being held accountable for using the “wrong word” and they wanna latch on to that almighty word like it explains creation
Today in a message I was stacked for asking for a “ visit” with my grandchild instead of offering to watch. Like goodness. It’s insane the level of perfection they expect at all times
I mean I’m getting older, sometimes I can’t even remember words or string a sentence together if I’m anxious I think it’s a bully tactic. A reason to say I suck.
I also tried to momentarily explain why I said something that I was under duress and feeling devastated and the response was I should stop using victim narrative Ok well forgive me for having a feeling and thinking I might wanna hear it. I tired I’m drained and sad

falling leaves, and Shelda, I think sometimes it is damned if we do and damned if we don't. They look for the wrong word. I've seen the same from my EC. The last time I saw one of the EDs, they mocked with facial expressions my husband, not their dad, who is losing his hearing. Just anything to be mean is what I realized. And they look for reasons that it is okay to be mean and dump someone, dump their mom or dad. It is like they need an excuse so they don't have to realize they need to improve their own character and personality. Some of this stuff is abuse or abusive. Yes, a bullying tactic.

What did you say?

I asked them if they wanted to go to this place where their Father used to go and hang out. They never responded and the day before we were supposed to go i responded with thats fine his friends are coming and they probably knew him better.

Good response, Shelda, I mean sometimes there is no winning with these awful adult children of ours.