Oh, Done, isn't anger a normal and even healthy reaction to what might be called "gaslighting" in popular slang? I encourage you to journal your feelings every evening. Write out how you feel so that you can release those feelings. I also have found writing that letter can be helpful just DON"T mail it or email it. Write it out and then sit on it. Wait some days and reread it. Check into if you still feel the same, or are issues gaining clarity now? Then take that letter to the EC and burn it or rip it up. Release it and release yourself. Don't sent it.

The only person we can change is ourselves. We have this myth in our country that we must tell someone how they have hurt us. We feel we must do this or that so they understand. We desire some form of control. The truth is we don't have control over this person and never will. You want to let her know how upset you are but she has to be willing to listen. Writing something may turn out to be used against you. Writing while upset is a sure fire way of screwing up the situation further. And, what if your ED doesn't really care how you feel? Her behavior at the wedding indicates a selfishness or even cruel streak so don't assume she can or will listen to your feelings. You write something heartfelt and she either doesn't read it or ignores you or worse perhaps, she writes something hateful back to you.

I think we have to gain clarity first before initiating contact to talk about how we feel. We have to understand who this EC really is and how they are. We have to regain our self value and self worth and start to heal. That anger you have right now can trip you up. So my goal is saying slow down and do a journal of your feelings, read some good books, and focus on your own healing. Stop focusing on what she did. Give this say 2-3 months, set a date you will revisit contacting her. During these weeks, you focus on yourself and healing you and doing good for you. Starting hobbies, reading good books, going for walks, etc.

I've been the non-entity at one of my ED's weddings. Her grooms father even stood up and gave a toast saying something ugly about me and he had never met me. ED never said a word in my defense. I know who poisoned this guy, her dad. But my ED got her dad to pay for the wedding and then he took control so he could manipulate things against me. These were two young people who made good money and could pay for a lavish wedding themselves but my ED is a user. So I learned right then and there who she is and how she is. Her step mother apologized to me for how the ED was behaving and all I could manage to say was "This is who she is, don't apologize" -- ha the step mother also went along with it so don't tell me how sorry you are about it. I went home saying "never again" and I cried about the only time during these long years of estrangement. It made me seek help and frankly, give up on that ED. I had spent all the years before the wedding trying and trying to be nice, to be forgiving. I read Done with the Crying and turned my focus onto my healing, and read other books (some not so helpful). I decided not to tell her how I felt because my ED doesn't care and isn't interested and hung up on me the first time I told her how mean she was treating me. (Should my ED come to me with an apology and a wanting to reconcile, I will talk to her from my heart and wisdom. But until then, its spitting in the wind.)

Others will have different suggestions. Take what fits and leave the rest. But do not do anything quickly, and take a long time to think before acting rashly.

Thank you. I have started to journal and am ashamed that most of it is angry. These days I go from being angry with her rude atrocious behavior to being angry with myself for having allowed her to do this.

Is it wrong to just dislike your child because you see that they’re capable of such horrible actions?

The psychologist suggested she’s borderline. As I do research, I see that now. So I’m angry that I didn’t intervene sooner.

I’m a single parent and I poured my all into this child. Everything!

Her husband is an estranger as well.

I see no good outcome right now.

It’s a very perplexing, frustrating, and tragic event to be cut off by your own flesh and blood.

I’m grateful to be here!

Thank you! I’m working on it. It’s hard to deal with the deep sèves of betrayal I feel.

Done, maybe don't try to "deal" with it. Maybe just let it be that you feel betrayed. Keep writing in that journal and write out your feelings. Yes, it is okay to not like your child. Yes, it is okay to be angry. Anger can motivate us to make necessary changes and it can also mask other feelings or turn into depression. But turn this into something good for yourself by reading some books, getting counseling if you need it, taking good care of you now. Like Tropicaloo wrote, put that energy you put into her now into yourself. Take a break from being so focused on yourself. I took 3 months around Christmas time one year and decided come Feb 1, I would think about them again and revisit my feelings and the problems. I found that this gave me permission to stop fretting. And when I did fret, then I said stop this until Feb 1. So by February, I had a new outlook or the beginning of my healing. I found I felt differently about the EC and the situation. Thank you for writing this post as I know a lot of people who don't ever write in can relate to your words.

Honestly, I don't think sending a note will be of any help. It would not have changed anything for me, I know that.

I don't understand where this behavior comes from, but I suspect some of it develops because the EC has a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, SO and feels like that is all they need or ever will need in life and that makes it easier for the EC to cut the parent and family out of their life.

You deserve to be treated better than you are being treated. The anger might always be there but it can fade a bit once the decision is made that you will move on from what was. There are probably feelings below the surface that will always be there, but once you decide you are done trying to fix the unfixable (at least right now), there can be some healing, lots of days where you don't ruminate over the loss of the relationship. And sometimes a little bit of that anger can be a push in the right direction to live your best life, even without the EC in it.

That’s why I’m angry. I was treated like dirt for no good reason. When ED sees that she needs me again, it will come with my setting very firm boundaries.

Whatever was no longer exists.

My good is that something new and mature can be brought about.

Thank you for your encouragement.

Yes of course you feel angry because you were treated like dirt but you are missing my point.

So my point is -- something within us, our beliefs about ourselves, makes us so angry. Yes, they did something mean but the overwhelming anger is about something within you, a self belief you hold. You've described this anger as kind of overwhelming and taking over your life. The anger is righteous but if we don't deal with how we feel deep down, what messages we believe about ourselves, that anger will eventually start to die down into depression.

I believe we can't release our anger or depression until we understand our deepest inner thinking and feeling. It is not about others treating us like dirt, it is about what we think about ourselves. We take this nefarious treatment as reinforcement of our own negative self image but we do not have to.

Being devalued and discarded by your child goes against everything that a caring dutiful parent deserves.. I’m working on understanding why I walked on eggshells for the last 10 years with her. If I have any issue, it’s accepting disrespectful behavior in order to maintain contact. The anger I feel is not just about how I am treated, but why I accepted deceit and rudeness from ED for so long.

I admire your wisdom and honesty and recognizing things. What you write will resonate with a lot of people on here and is truly helpful to others. Many/most of us estranged parents have felt we walked on eggshells, accepted deceit and rudeness, or other stuff like this for way too long. So many of us have tried to be nice and hoped it would change them. It's very hard.

I just joined this group and am so grateful to find a place for people that are understanding rather than my therapist who is just frustrating me more. I get the urge to create a photo album and list of the things I did for my ungrateful 18 year old son, who has treated me like dirt since I got divorced 2 years ago. I understand that he blames everything on me, moved in with his father ....and of course he does not understand my side of the desired divorce ..blah blah blah... I am in awe at how shitty he is, how much I allowed it ....hoping that he would come around ..... I was a doormat. As a christian, I kept thinking of how much I sin, and forget to pray and God does not hold it against me, he is always there ready to be my companion. I was trying to do the same, the old saying...WWJD-(what would Jesus do) that did not work out for me. I want to alienate him back , so much anger , sadness, frustration, Reading some of these posts were so helpful. It is so difficult to set them free. I want to demand respect. It does not work that way. ARGHH. I am guilty of raising a complete ASSHOLE.

You didn’t raise an asshole. Your son is under you ex’s influence. Alienation is often created by a third party or, sometimes, mental illness. In my case, my daughter marred a controlling Narcissist.

Your son is still young and impressionable. They don’t understand the implications of their actions.

rorojax, sometimes we blame ourselves or take too much ownership of our children's behavior. With some of our children, we can have boundaries and enforce our rules and they straighten up. With others, they do their own thing and eventually we realize how peaceful our house is without their anger, drama, demands, entitlement, partying or whatever. One of our EC said they were not going to follow rules they didn't agree with so they went to live with various enabling relatives and the other parent. Turns out each place they lived had problems with this young adult not being decent to live with. Life will teach your son many things and one is that society has rules and life has consequences. It is okay to allow him to now experience the consequences of his actions but I do encourage you to wait before jumping into retribution. I do not think our children can understand the divorce issues like we often hope they will. I am also divorced and yes, I wanted my kids to understand at first also. Kids want to love both parents, even those bad parents! Maybe understanding comes later as they grow older and experience more of life. But that does not mean any parent should be treated badly or disrespectfully, etc.

It sounds like you assume your child has no responsibility in his own actions, no responsibility for turning out to be a complete a-hole as you said. For now, I would encourage you to not burn any bridges with this kid and keep your focus on yourself right now. Good parents have kids who turn out to be problems or difficult. Bad parents have kids who turn out to be angels and saints. It might help to try to see this from his perspective and also understand your own perspective more fully. He may want to live with dad for many reasons, sometimes they have no rules or open drug or alcohol use with the other parent. Or maybe they just want more attention from the other parent. This may not even be about you, so don't blame yourself or say you failed as a parent. If you have a list of things you think you did wrong as a parent, then acknowledge them and forgive yourself. No parent is perfect.