Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
So within the past 12 years I have reconnected with my daughter. Long short when I got divorced I seen the writing on the wall, It was going to be messy and I refused to let my child be a pawn, so I let her new husband adopt and prayed that one day she might find me. Well she did! So in 2002 she found me, she called and I was ecstatic! (Her mother punished her for calling me...btw) however the conversation went to why did you leave, well I gave her the truth that her mother ran out on me, with just one of a dozen affairs she had while I was deployed during desert shield and storm and being a firefighter working 72/96, gave her plenty of cheat time.. I digress... My daughter hit me with what she was told, which was I was a drunk abuser and beat her mother...laughable... Well I gave her what happened and was told I was a liar. We had some contact on Facebook but she had to hide it due to her mother, I could look at her page but could never be friends with her due to repercussions. Well me being me I pushed the issued and contact went dead, I insulted the golden uterus... I continued to send instant messages during holidays and birthdays never a reply. She then got married had a child and is now separated and a single mother(yes I think her mother had something to do with her divorce) So in sept 16 I flew her to my sister’s house near Tampa and met her for the first time since she was 3! To me it was a great week we had some fun but she didn’t want to know any family history photos, stories and I refrained from talking about the past although I want to scream it, I chocked it back... So she flew back home and it left me with more questions than it answered. Prior to the trip my Ex was paranoid as all hell and constantly messaging my sister making sure we didn’t discuss the "past" as she put it.. Go figure... So Jan 17 my wife and I made a trip to come see her, stayed a week I wanted to spend my birthday with her and meet my grandson who is such a doll. Never said happy birthday basically blew it off nothing... but she did put up a sweet post with pictures of us all on fb about being down and lifting her spirits and knowing her worth... During that trip she worked nights so she would come by with the grandson chat for a while and crash wake up and take him back to the golden uterus for the night... I’m sure she would have caught hell if he stayed the night... Well during that trip the wife and I had the pleasure of hearing a conversation between her and her ex and her telling him how the fuck it was going to be and that he would run out of money before her parents would!! OMG!! I couldn’t contain it... I informed her nicely that I was told the EXACT SAMETHING!!!! My exact words were “OMG THATS WHAT I WAS TOLD”!!! She stopped dead in her tracks laughed and changed the subject quickly... My wife and I were dumbfounded! Later she called her ex again and asked the grandson do you want to talk to daddy? And I praised her for doing such. She looking puzzled so I explained that 2 weeks after her mother left she was calling me by my first name and someone else was "daddy” again stopped dead in her tracks I left it at that. So a few months back I asked her to call she did and we talked and not sure how we got on the subject of her finding out about being adopted... She said something about how her "dad" adopted her and I corrected her and said No I let him adopt due to the fact that I didn’t want her to be a pawn and I had to do what I thought was best for her... Well now she'll text but make an excuse not to call... we still text every day and she has complained to me many times on how she hates it there and how they get on her and she’s a horrible mother according to her mother and father. I try not to say too much but fear that I have crossed a line with her... I have offered her to come stay with us but she either doesn’t answer the text or changes it to something else. Lately she has had money issues and I have sent her money which she has thanked me for. But lately it seems she only talks to me knowing that I’ll send her money... I feel used and that I will never have the relationship I want with her... sorry it was so long of a story but I had to vent. There is a ton more... So am I paranoid???? Does my daughter want me in her life or am i being used?
The hard part will be accepting the possibility that the relationship with your daughter may never be quite as close as you want, and ultimately that is her choice. The biggest thing would just be to make sure she feels welcome, and is cherished in your life. Be a positive presence not a negative one.
She's a single mother and it sounds like her living arrangement isn't the best. Maybe the girl doesn't know that you would like to build a real relationship. One visit might have been taken as you being curious. Could she be afraid of rejection? I think you should tell her that you would like to build a relationship with her? Letting her know you want her in your life is a positive thing. I wish you the best.
Though you might be really addicted to those little ah ha moments where you call the women out on their past behavior, it probably rubs them the wrong way. Ask yourself why you're reconnecting. Is it honestly because you love your daughter and want to spend time with her and the grand kids, or is simply to assuage your guilt for giving your daughter to another man to raise? I know you feel you did this to protect her during a messy divorce, but the fact is you gave her away and weren't there for her. Many would see you as a self-serving man, trying to have it cake and eat it too. Dare to prove them wrong.
I respectfully suggest you leash the misogynistic undercut that I'm certain you aren't aware of, own up to the crappy decision you made not to be part of her life, and stop giving her money. I'm guessing you did not pay child support, since her father adopted her, so why start now? Money always muddies the waters.
I'm not trying to be crass, but I do feel you are perhaps not putting your best foot forward and need a little tough love to point you in the right direction. You seem like a really intelligent person, so I know you'll understand that though no totally on target, there could be some truth to my words.
Daughter's are really cool, you have a chance to start over. It's a chance precious few of us get, so don't blow it! Best of luck in this complex and difficult task.
You're a riot! My current wife of 17 yrs spit out here coke when you called me misogynistic, thanks for the laugh. Your take on me couldn't be any further off than a football bat. May i suggests some reading for you http://shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-golden-uterus-complex-15-characteristics-of-the-golden-uterus/
This is where i got the term from and she fits it to a T. Sounds like you are a feminists and only see life throught those lenses. Thanks but no no thanks
Sincerely,
Golden penis / women hating puppy puncher
Let me mansplain it to you in terms you can understand. They're battle buddies and that's a tough bond to compete with. When you have one parent present for your entire life and another who wasn't, the one present might not be perfect but they went through thick and thin together. Your ex was there to pick her up when she fell, bandage scraped knees, hear about boyfriend troubles, give advice if she was bullied and thousand other things. Maybe she got it wrong a lot and they have some issues, but your daughter's issues with you are a horse of a different color. Their conflict is not your conflict.
Don't ever make the mistake of comparing yourself to her mother, because there is literally no comparison. It has nothing to do with her being the mother and everything to do with her being there when you weren't. If you had been the custodial parent, I'd be giving exactly the same support to her mother instead of you. Making this about uterus's and penis' is just a convenient way of deflecting attention from the real problem.
I have to admit that it would give me a bit of a complex if I were on the outside, looking in, and trying to figure out where I fit into a situation like that after so many years. The fact is, you do fit in. You just have to find your niche. You seem like a person with a good sense of humor and a lot to offer your daughter. You also seem like a guy who might have spent a little too long in your own bubble when it comes to thinking about this situation.
Someone close to me gave me a piece of good advice once. She said "Every villain's the hero of their own story." I didn't listen to subtle message she was sending and it cost me dearly. The insinuation isn't that we truly villains by any stretch of the imagination, but rather that we're people so caught up in our perception of ourselves and our history that we can't see we might be hurting the person we love with the things we say.
The disparaging way you responded to my post is an example of how distorted your thinking is. I wish you the best in dealing with this difficult and complex situation. I truly hope you are successful at building a strong healthy relationship with your daughter.