Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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julie64 02/03/2019

Hi,

I am new to this group. I was looking on the internet for a support group for my ‘heart break’, over my 22 yr old daughter just walking out 1 day and no contact for 2 years - until today!

My child told me nearly 5 yrs ago that they identified as a girl and not gender assigned at birth. They told me on their 18th birthday and I didn’t have a clue until then. After completing senior school my child did not endeavour to seek out a start to their future for 2 years. I supported the best I could with mental health, transitioning etc in those 2 years . I paid for and took them to clinics, appts etc. my child was challenging to live with in that time, but I was patient and supportive as I could be being a single parent, working full time, losing my own parents and having 2 younger children. I challenged my child on the 3 rd year of sitting around regarding making some changes and looking to the future with study or employment. One day my child left without a word and I hadn’t seen her until today. Today I attended , with trepidation, a festival that I thought she may be at. I just need to see her..I should have left it at just seeing her......... I approached with pain in my heart telling her that I loved her and missed her and she ‘blanked me’. The pain is enormous. This child that you nurtured, loved, had dreams of sharing lifes journey with, sacrificed for- hates you! I don’t know why. My child has ASD, possible BPD, and perhaps other diagnoses. I know I mis gendered her early on and made mistakes. I wished as a parent I had of been included in medical and psychological appointments and then maybe I may have had an insight into why we are astranged today. I was ‘cut out’. I have to live in hope that 1 day my child will come back into our lives. I didn’t articulate my love and intense feelings today for my child how I wanted to. It’s so strange seeing this person that u love so much cause so much pain and create an unfathomable emptiness. Is there anyone else with similar experiences?

urbangardener 02/18/2019

We parents often have to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. I have found this book very helpful, Done With the Crying, and highly recommend it to you. There are lots of parents going through estrangement with their adult children, and varying reasons why the EC choose this path of rejection. Sometimes we parents do too much self blame and can't or don't acknowledge the role the EC play. Sometimes we built up these false expectations. What if, no matter what you said, or where you said it, the outcome would have been the same? Have you considered that this might be your ED's journey and you can't fix or control or change any parts of it? This is a tough situation for those of us rejected by our beloved kids. Sometimes things are beyond our power even if we were good parents. Estrangement happens to good parents. We parents so often think we can control the estrangement and beg and plead and grovel and appease and sometimes it just is not something we can fix or control. Sometimes we parents keep pushing the EC for contact and that just pushes them away further. Sometimes our EC have some real problems and are not nice people. So when we blame ourselves, maybe we are not really seeing the situation for how it really was or is.

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