Parents of Children with ADHD Support Group
This community is designed as an open forum where the parents and guardians of children with ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) can give and receive support, as well as discuss ideas, techniques, concerns, surprises, and challenges they may face with their children.
I posted this on the ODD site yesterday, thought some of you would get something out of it. Just a little insight.
My 13 yr old son with ADHD/ODD has really been opening up to me, probably because I am actually staying with him when he goes into a rage rather than walking away and ignoring him. I have mentioned the parenting class I took through beyondconsequences.com and I feel I have come a long way in regards to communicating with my son. Last week he said some pretty harsh things that were very hard for me to hear. See, before we started therapy, we used to get so frustrated and yelled at him and spanked him to try to get him to behave. That's how our parents raised us, we didn't know any better. I don't believe it was 'abusive' but I know now that it was wrong and it has really affected my son. We haven't spanked him since he was 11 and very rarely yell now. When he was screaming and yelling at me last week I kept telling him it's okay to be angry and to tell me what he was angry about, no threat of consequences. Then it all came out. He brought up all of the times we hit him and yelled at him and told me how scared it made him feel. OMG! I felt like I was hit with a brick. The way he described it sounded horrific and I can't imagine what he was going through and I understand how hard this is for him to let it go and forgive us. I'm not sure if I will be able to forgive myself. Like I said, I don't think it was as abusive as he described, but it is his reality and this is how he remembers it. All I could do was sit next to him with tears in my eyes and put my hand on his thigh (He won't let me hug him) and tell him how very sorry I am for what he went through. I assured him that I would do everything I can to make him feel safe no matter what. As hard as it was for me to hear, he needed to say it more than I didn't want to hear it. Hopefully we are one step closer to healing our relationship.
This has been weighing heavily upon my shoulders and I am sharing it with you so you can have some insight to a child in his teens and how our reactions so deeply affect them. They do not stay in the moment, they live a lifetime. If you are a parent at your ropes end and can't seem to get through to your child and are so extremely frustrated, please keep this post in mind. I hope it helps just one of you. Keep trying to find help and control your reactions to your child when they are behaving so horridly. Listen to what they are saying no matter how they are saying it. Thanks for reading.
My 13 yr old son with ADHD/ODD has really been opening up to me, probably because I am actually staying with him when he goes into a rage rather than walking away and ignoring him. I have mentioned the parenting class I took through beyondconsequences.com and I feel I have come a long way in regards to communicating with my son. Last week he said some pretty harsh things that were very hard for me to hear. See, before we started therapy, we used to get so frustrated and yelled at him and spanked him to try to get him to behave. That's how our parents raised us, we didn't know any better. I don't believe it was 'abusive' but I know now that it was wrong and it has really affected my son. We haven't spanked him since he was 11 and very rarely yell now. When he was screaming and yelling at me last week I kept telling him it's okay to be angry and to tell me what he was angry about, no threat of consequences. Then it all came out. He brought up all of the times we hit him and yelled at him and told me how scared it made him feel. OMG! I felt like I was hit with a brick. The way he described it sounded horrific and I can't imagine what he was going through and I understand how hard this is for him to let it go and forgive us. I'm not sure if I will be able to forgive myself. Like I said, I don't think it was as abusive as he described, but it is his reality and this is how he remembers it. All I could do was sit next to him with tears in my eyes and put my hand on his thigh (He won't let me hug him) and tell him how very sorry I am for what he went through. I assured him that I would do everything I can to make him feel safe no matter what. As hard as it was for me to hear, he needed to say it more than I didn't want to hear it. Hopefully we are one step closer to healing our relationship.
This has been weighing heavily upon my shoulders and I am sharing it with you so you can have some insight to a child in his teens and how our reactions so deeply affect them. They do not stay in the moment, they live a lifetime. If you are a parent at your ropes end and can't seem to get through to your child and are so extremely frustrated, please keep this post in mind. I hope it helps just one of you. Keep trying to find help and control your reactions to your child when they are behaving so horridly. Listen to what they are saying no matter how they are saying it. Thanks for reading.
deleted_user
Thanks for posting this. I needed to hear this, My daughter is 6 and she was diagnosed ADHD at 5 yrs old. I have been told to walk away when she gets into a tantrum , I have been told to hold her down, to hold her. We have lately been ignoring her until she speaks without yelling, but all I see is it frustrates her more and she will go into the corner and cry and sob for such a long time. It is exhausting to see your child go through this and honestly, I have felt utterly and completely useless at times. I feel so guilty for not hearing her, but she really does not make sense since she will repeat the same 3 or 4 words for 30-50 mins depending on the severity of the tantrum. I wasn't sure if she was really hearing me, you know? I want to make her home a safe place and not feel afraid. She already has separation anxiety and I donot wish to aggravate it by ignoring her. ANyways, thanks for the insight. It is a good preview of what is to come and I hope your son and you continue to get closer in these years. God bless/
rockym
my3blessings-Just a suggestion, when you sit with your daughter when she is so upset and is repeating the same thing over and over...say it back to her so she knows you hear her and ask her in more detail about what she is saying.It sounds like she is trying to tell you something and needs help getting it out. One thing I have learned is when the kids get like this, they can't hear us, it is useless to try to reason with them because they are not able to be reasonable in this moment. We just have to let them work through it and we need to be with them. Really, my son used to go into rages and would be in a horrific mood for 1-3 days after an incident. He is usually able to get out of it within 30-60 minutes now (sometimes sooner) and it doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to. Thanks!
deleted_user
Thank you Rocky. My son is at his grandma's right now(for the summer) & being able to calmly sit & read this & reflect on the relationship with my son shows me where I need to improve. Thank you for your words!!
deleted_user
Thanks Rockym, I take your advise gladly and I this morning I spend with her. I cleaned with her, stayed with her, she vacuumed and was so proud. Still broke down but not until the nightime. It was a good day. It takes me staying by her side most of the day, but I keep my 4 yr old right by us. I am praying this brings a change for the better, Thanks
rockym
That's great my3blessings. I have to give you and a lot of other parents on this site credit. I cannot imagine having to deal with my son as well as other little children. He's my youngest and my oldest is 18. I feel bad that the oldest didn't get as much attention.
deleted_user
I do agree that things stay with children for longer than we think but i also feel that children in general play their parents and feed off of their doubts, and fears. You hit your child and yelled, you did what you thought was right at the time and you need to forgive yourself for any longer term hurt that he may have felt, you have apologised now let it go and let him let it go, you no longer hit him let it be over. DON'T let him use it to get to you he has seen you were upset by it dont let him use that as a way to get round you. Good luck in making your relationship better hun.
hotmom1
That takes a lot of courage to write and share your experiences. Don't be too hard on yourself but move forward. I too did things like yelling and spanking that I now see have no benefit but are detrimental. I try hard to not yell but occasionally, I am just so frustrated that I do. He usually tells me and it brings me down from the rafters real quick. I am quick to apologize and remind him to listen better when i ask him to stop doing things in a calm manner to help me not to yell. It has gotten better in the past few months and I am hopeful that it will continue to do so. I am trying to make pleasant memories for all of us because it will carry on when he has his own children. If your son is anything like mine, he will forgive and give you a chance. Bless you and take care.
Heidiclark
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Although I've never spanked my son I have had a lot of guilt toward him for other reasons, so I can relate to the guilt. But, hey, we're only human and the main thing is that you were there for him so he could talk about it and you were willing to apologize. Now you can let it go and move on.
deleted_user
Never thought about it that way. Thanks for sharing. My daughter is now 7- and I have been having issues of my own- and when she acts up- I have been yelling at her and even spanked her few times out of frustation. This insight make me think differently. You always don't know a child's precpetion on things.
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