Parents of Children with ADHD Support Group
This community is designed as an open forum where the parents and guardians of children with ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) can give and receive support, as well as discuss ideas, techniques, concerns, surprises, and challenges they may face with their children.
Things appear to be going from bad to worse for us.
My 11 year old son is having such a hard time in school this year. His teacher is very strict and not very accommodating or encouraging, and my son really can't stand her. So much that he's pretty much completely shutting down in school. He's not doing his work in class.. he's forgetting to bring things home to complete for homework... and when he DOES bring things home, I make sure he completes his work, but then he lies to his teacher and says he left it at home instead of returning it.
I feel like I'm on his case every day. I'm trying desperately to make him understand that life is LIKE this. We're not going to like every person or every teacher or every employer, but sometimes we just have to make the best of it. But he just doesn't care. All I do is yell at him and then I feel horrible, because his teacher is yelling at him all day and then I yell at him at home. Today I was so sick and tired of it, I just refused to do anything with him. Instead of helping him with his homework, I just left him to do it on his own. He didn't do it of course... so it's going back to school tomorrow unfinished. Which means double tomorrow night, and double the stress. We didn't say two words to each other and I HATE that. We're a very loving family and we're very close. But lately I feel so stressed out and so hopeless that I just feel like giving up instead of trying to get through to him. I just feel so alone. None of my friends or family understands what this is like. I hate feeling so hopeless and I hate feeling like giving up. My son only has me. I can't give up. But it's so hard to keep fighting sometimes, especially when the fighting is destroying us. :(
My 11 year old son is having such a hard time in school this year. His teacher is very strict and not very accommodating or encouraging, and my son really can't stand her. So much that he's pretty much completely shutting down in school. He's not doing his work in class.. he's forgetting to bring things home to complete for homework... and when he DOES bring things home, I make sure he completes his work, but then he lies to his teacher and says he left it at home instead of returning it.
I feel like I'm on his case every day. I'm trying desperately to make him understand that life is LIKE this. We're not going to like every person or every teacher or every employer, but sometimes we just have to make the best of it. But he just doesn't care. All I do is yell at him and then I feel horrible, because his teacher is yelling at him all day and then I yell at him at home. Today I was so sick and tired of it, I just refused to do anything with him. Instead of helping him with his homework, I just left him to do it on his own. He didn't do it of course... so it's going back to school tomorrow unfinished. Which means double tomorrow night, and double the stress. We didn't say two words to each other and I HATE that. We're a very loving family and we're very close. But lately I feel so stressed out and so hopeless that I just feel like giving up instead of trying to get through to him. I just feel so alone. None of my friends or family understands what this is like. I hate feeling so hopeless and I hate feeling like giving up. My son only has me. I can't give up. But it's so hard to keep fighting sometimes, especially when the fighting is destroying us. :(
When I look back on those years and going through some counseling, I can see now how we could have handled things differently. The first thing I would have done was get our son some outside help with homework - a tutor or someone else he could connect with. We did get him an IEP during the 8th grade which has been a tremendous help and a lifesaver. During those rough years (4th - 7th grade) I can see now how we damaged our relationship with him. We hounded him so much on homework, we were the cause of some of his stress. If we would have taken us/his parents out of the homework mix, I believe we wouldn't have had to work hard up til now to get our relationship with him back on track. I would advise that if you can get him some help through the school, a teacher, staying after school, a tutor, another family member, whatever works, then try to do that. He needs to see you as not the person that hounds him every night about homework.
When my son hit the 8th grade, he was still fooling around with not doing homework, lying to us about turning in papers, etc., Through our counseling (me and my husband, our son refused counseling), we were advised that he was at the age now that he needed to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions. Because of his IEP, we had things written in it that would give him time to complete his work at school with the teachers. So now all we do is keep up with his teachers and we just ask our son how he's doing and to let us know if we can help. Last year in the 10th grade, he was doing horribly in geometry. He refused to do the work, would never bring anything home and wasted time in class. Therefore, he failed geometry and is retaking it this year. My husband and I had to decide that he was at the age of he has to take responsibility for this. We had to let him see the consequences of his actions. It was hard to "let him fail" but this year he is seeing that it's not worth taking this class over again.
Our relationship with him is so much better as far as being able to connect and have fun with him at the age of 17. It's not perfect. But we don't do the homework scene with him anymore. Don't let the fighting and hounding over the homework destroy your relationship with him. Find someone else to help him with the homework. The school should be able to help you. If you don't have an IEP for your son, investigate getting one. This will force the school to help with getting your son where he needs to be. Work behind the scenes with teachers and school officials if your son gets aggravated about you helping him -- our son was always defensive about us trying to help him. So I started going around him and got guidance counselors, coaches, etc. to talk with him . This has worked tremendously for us.
I hope things get better for you. Don't give up. This is a tough age and with ADHD on top of it, it makes it double hard. The kids don't see what they are doing to mess up their future. If you can find some other source of help for him, then you can spend your energy on rebuilding your relationship with him. Take care.
I will speak to his teachers and see if we can figure out the homework thing. Maybe someone can give him some extra help. You are so right. I shouldn't be doing this with him.. especially after he's struggling all day. He should be able to come home and feel safe and happy, and we should be able to spend those precious evening hours together as a family, not screaming and crying. Thank you.
I am also really glad to hear things are so much better for you and your son now.
Something that has helped is that I laid down the ground rule that I was only going to work as hard as he did. If he had work to do he had to be willing to do it and make an effort in order to be able to get my help. This means that if he didn't care I wasn't going to care and he would face the consequences at school. Next was that we were both going to work on treating each other with more respect. He was going to treat me like he treats his tutor and teachers which means paying attention and being respectful and also be open to my suggestions if he wants my help. In turn I will stay calm and not get frustrated.
Nothing is ever perfect but it has helped. He has taken more responsibility with his work. I still have to get on him about things but the intense one-on-one support i give him has been going better for the most part. I agree that having anyone other than a parent as a support is the best option but that is not always possible.
In your case have you had a face to face conversation with the teacher? Is he on a plan with the school. Get the head of the department or school involved. Call a meeting and use whatever resources there are. And check in with them on a regular basis. EVERYONE at my son's school knows me and he gets as much support as they can offer.
Good luck - it is sooo hard sometimes.