Parents of Children with ADHD Support Group
This community is designed as an open forum where the parents and guardians of children with ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) can give and receive support, as well as discuss ideas, techniques, concerns, surprises, and challenges they may face with their children.
I am beginning to realize that it doesn't matter what my son does, I just want to love him so he can feel safe and secure. I have spent a good number of years yelling and freaking out on him and setting up rewards and consequence charts and contracts. Don't get me wrong, I think the rewards/consequences worked but really, how is that going to help him when he gets older? Yelling, spanking and freaking out on him only hurt my relationship with him. I realize that I am trying to turn him into this cookie cutter kid to fit in with the norm. I now know this is not going to happen and I question why I feel he needs to be this child. Although he behaves pretty well at home, it has been months since he has let me hug him or get close to him. This is very sad for me and I miss all of the hugs he used to give. After a bad day of school, like today, I just want to hold him and tell him it's going to be okay. He received an in school suspension today and an out of school suspension for tomorrow for saying the f word. Plus he had to serve detention today for something he did last week and was not allowed to compete in the last track meet. his day totally sucked! Instead of taking xbox, computer and phone away, I just let him be angry. Boy was he! After he was done ranting, yes, I let him be mad and yell and curse, I just sat with him and he started crying telling me how hard it was at school and how much stress it was for him. I talked to him about alternative schools and said that some kids just don't fit in with the traditional school setting and there's nothing wrong with that. I asked if he would consider looking at a couple of schools, he reluctantly agreed. he's afraid of changing and missing his friends...but at least he has agreed to looking into it. I am not stressing over his being suspended as I normally would, I even called the principal after I picked him up to request that they change the in school suspension he has tomorrow to an out of school suspension. I recognized that he is just too stressed and overwhelmed to go tomorrow. i really don't care what the state attorney says about it either! I'm good with this and I understand his feelings and I am going to respect them the best I can. Sorry to go on and on. Please, to those of you that are at your wits end and find yourself freaking out on your kids, try to understand why they feel the way they do, LISTEN to them. If you're real quiet, they will talk. Just breath deep when it gets to be too much for you. Don't worry about the future, take care of now.
SpiderMom
Thanks for this post. You are right. I had a meeting with my son's therapist just yesterday, and one of the things she said to me was that she always tells parents to try and put themselves in their child's shoes for just one day, and try to imagine what it's like for them. They go all day long in school, trying to fit in.. trying to behave.. trying to follow rules.. trying to sit still and pay attention.. trying to get their work done.. trying to do everything on time.. etc, etc, etc.. which as we all know are VERY difficult tasks for a child with ADHD, because they are the very things they struggle with. And then you add the teachers and the parents that are always on their backs, plus all the other normal every day occurrances... it's no wonder they are so mentally exhausted and frustrated at the end of the day!! I've been learning strategies to help my son for 4 years now, and while I've learned a lot, I still have a lot to learn. It's still very challenging at times, but the bottom line is, we have to love our children and offer them support, try and think about how hard it is for them, and definitely be proud of every challenge they overcome each day. :)
rockym
I woke up this morning and decided I am going to stay home from work to be with him. Maybe try to get him to go to the zoo with me. I hope he is receptive to my suggestion. If not, I am just going to be here with him. We had a really good night last night. Normally after a day like yesterday the entire evening would have been a disaster. This website has really helped me since I really have no one to talk to about this that understands...except my therapist, but I have to pay him $100 an hour to listen :-) so I want to say thanks you all of you for sharing this journey with me. I think I am beginning to finding acceptance and understanding for my son.
deleted_user
Thank you so much for your post. My son is only five and hasn't been suspended yet but foresee a similar future for him. I would freak out every time I got a call from his school about his behaviour (and still do) but am working on putting myself in his shoes. I too am learning to accept my child the way he is rather than conform him to what i think he should be. It's hard because we just want so much for them to fit in and be accepted. Since he doesn't get the acceptance from the outside world, i'm hoping to be the safe place of acceptance for him.
deleted_user
Thanks for your post. I appreciate hearing from parents of older children since my daughter is only 6. I am learinng to take it one day at a time and really carefully trying to pick my battles. As long as she eats, takes a bath and brushes her teeth, we can work on the rest at her pace and not make home an uncomfortable place for her. If home isn't safe for her to be herself, where can she? God bless.
deleted_user
I love this post!! It made me stop and think about why I REALLY get upset when my son acts up. You have totally opened my eyes to what it means to be a good mom to a child with ADHD. They are not going to be perfect no child is. What they need more than ANYTHING is us and love. Thank you so much for sharing this!
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