I know how hard it can be believe me but your son needs you to be understanding more now than ever. Counselling may help him but in all honesty understanding and love is what he needs most. Yes it is frustrating and dangerous when he plays with matches, he knows in himself he shouldn't do it but he can not stop himself, his brain is just not wired like that. It is the same with my son and his compulsive stealing and taking of food, he knows he shouldn't hense the hiding it from us but he can not stop if he wanted to.

My sons father is hardly on the scene, i have no idea exactly where he lives and he only sees our son for 1 afternoon a fortnight and i wish all the time that he would help me out more but the fact is that he does not love his son like i do, the same is to be said for your son his real father does not love him like you do and dropping your son on his doorstep is not going to change that, would you really want your son to feel that you have deserted him for someone that just doesnt care? It is hard and you need to find some support, you and your husband both do but thinking like this is not going to help your son. Find some literature and read up on the condition, get your head equipped with the strategies you need to support and help him and yourselves in order to understand thus feel less angry and stressed with him. I think sometimes it helps to know that they are not bad kids they just cant change it, a child with no legs can not get up and walk and we wouldnt expect them to so why then do we expect our children to behave like a 'normal' child and try and reason with them as such they are not wired that way.

I wish you luck and i hope that you get some support soon xx

You should read the book, "ADHD and Me: What I Learned from Setting Fires at the Dinner Table." It's written by a UC Berkeley student who has ADHD and talks about his childhood dealing with ADHD. He literally set his table on fire at home. It might give you some ideas on how to handle this situation after seeing a different perspective. It's been a year or two since I read this book, so I just don't recall how his parents handled it. I do know it was a great book and really interesting.

Good luck!

i soooo hear you! My ADHD kids don't play with matches, but it does seem that NOTHING works with these kids, no matter WHAT the issue is...it is exhausting.

With my kids, it is the noise factor. They are LOUD, LOUD, LOUD no matter what. O my god. I wish I had more answers for you hun, but I think the best thing I can offer you right now is a listening and empathetic hear about how hard it is raising this kind of child. You are not alone and you are not at fault. Hugs to you, sweetie!

Have you tried setting up a time each day for him to light matches while you are sitting next to him? This way it is in a controlled environment with supervision. While he is lighting the matches, talk to him about how it makes him feel, I am sure there is a reason he does this. I have a 13 year old son with ADHD as well. He doesn't play with matches like your son, but he will get ahold of a lighter and light it constantly. Personally, in my situation, I think it's just him being 13 and he is trying to get my attention when he does this. I cannot tell you how much counseling is NOT a waste of money if you find the right person. It was the best thing we ever did. By the time my son was 11 he was verbally and physically abusive in our home, he used to pull knives on us, threaten to kill us in our sleep, he would attack us and even gave me a black eye. That was when we started counseling. He is no longer violent but still struggles with behavior and low self esteem, but we are working on it. I hope you do not send him to live with his dad especially if there is no current relationship but I would urge you to encourage them to have a relationship if you feel it is safe. Our therapist told my husband just last month that boys really need their dads and he needs to spend more time with our son. I hope you are able to find peace in your home.

thank your for your helpful suggestions. god bless.

my 10 yr old likes to try & light lighters, the first time we talked about why he shouldn't ( which he already knew). Second time we reviewed & Informed him if he does it again he will be visiting a burn unit to see what happens when you play with fire. He can't light them but he tries & that worries me enough.

Rockym has a great suggestion, just what I was thinking. People want what they can't have, so let him play with you around.

Also, maybe show him some pictures of self inflicted burns?

Good luck!