Parents of Adult Child Estrangement Community Group
Support online, with attempts to form regional in-person meeting clusters, for those parents who have experienced periods of serial or continuous estrangment by an adult child.
So, yesterday was my 62nd BDay. And my ED showed up to take me out to dinner. Slightly high on champagne, i didn't plan it, but I used the opportunity to name my idea of that pesky "underlying problem" between us. Of course, first words outa lips, "I disagree." Ok, fine. "but think it over sometime," I offer.
Had a lovely time; feeling little buzzed on the domestic bubbly, I even told my daughter that I think, at my age, I've "earned the right" to be myself, high-strung at times and all; and labeled her current partner too judgemental. (Which, at age 24, having met me once and deciding she 'hates' me, per ED, is.. well.. just too bad.)
We were fairly open and talked like real people with one another. We even toasted to her not lying as much to me this coming year (says she'll just hang up the phone rather than lie if that's what I want.. I said, ok, but we need to speak, then, a few days afterwards; not even about the topic, just to re-establish connection; she agreed.)
HERE'S the part I detest: Without fail, I can almost predict, with 99 percent accuracy, that she will REALLY ZING me, create some really hurtful experience for me, somewhere along the way in our next contact. Why? B/c of that pesky underlying problem, which includes inability on her part to sustain any emotional, feel-good intimacy wtih me.
I'm on a no-win merry-go-round with her on this. Choose not to live without her; have some very "normal" times (far/few between.. and on a "good day" for her in her mercurial mood swings,) then she "takes it all back" by talking down to me like I'm yesterday's garbage, saying hurtful, "you don't matter a lick" to me things, etc, etc, etc.
I have not as yet figured out a way to derail the horror train heading my way. Even though I monitor myself and deliberately avoid any known provoking topics/actions, she finds a way to bring me down to my knees after almost every single postitive (espec in-person) contact.
Have any of you experienced anything this predictable? Any advice short that doesn't include avoiding her?
thanks,
M.
Had a lovely time; feeling little buzzed on the domestic bubbly, I even told my daughter that I think, at my age, I've "earned the right" to be myself, high-strung at times and all; and labeled her current partner too judgemental. (Which, at age 24, having met me once and deciding she 'hates' me, per ED, is.. well.. just too bad.)
We were fairly open and talked like real people with one another. We even toasted to her not lying as much to me this coming year (says she'll just hang up the phone rather than lie if that's what I want.. I said, ok, but we need to speak, then, a few days afterwards; not even about the topic, just to re-establish connection; she agreed.)
HERE'S the part I detest: Without fail, I can almost predict, with 99 percent accuracy, that she will REALLY ZING me, create some really hurtful experience for me, somewhere along the way in our next contact. Why? B/c of that pesky underlying problem, which includes inability on her part to sustain any emotional, feel-good intimacy wtih me.
I'm on a no-win merry-go-round with her on this. Choose not to live without her; have some very "normal" times (far/few between.. and on a "good day" for her in her mercurial mood swings,) then she "takes it all back" by talking down to me like I'm yesterday's garbage, saying hurtful, "you don't matter a lick" to me things, etc, etc, etc.
I have not as yet figured out a way to derail the horror train heading my way. Even though I monitor myself and deliberately avoid any known provoking topics/actions, she finds a way to bring me down to my knees after almost every single postitive (espec in-person) contact.
Have any of you experienced anything this predictable? Any advice short that doesn't include avoiding her?
thanks,
M.
I am glad you had a lovely dinner, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's kind of very cool that your daughter showed up to take you out to dinner. cool in that I can't imagine it ever happening in my world!
If this happens in my whole life I might be so ecstatic I'd have a stroke, for sure with enough champagne I might be so zingy with joy I'd be willing to do anything they asked of me.
It sounds like in spite of this glorious, in my opinion event you feel as if you will get the proverbial bang on the head ! Figures. I'd expect the same so I get it. Damn! I'm so sorry it makes you feel like the bombs are gonna drop again! That's no fun. It sucks!
I didn't see my daughter for almost 3 years when out of the blue she called in Jan. She eventually was coming to my city to visit her pregnant friend and asked if at the end of their weekend she could have breakfast with me and if I'd drive her to the airport?
I was thrilled and said yes..then I emailed her NO. Then just like her I emailed back I would love to see her and so I picked her up at her close friends place..She didn't have either of my 2 grandkids with her and we came back to my house where I'd made a quiche and croissants.
It was sort of lovely. We talked and though I didn't recognize her in many ways we got along and she mentioned how it would be fun if I came out and we all went to the mountains and had some fun, as a family. I noticed though we hugged hello and goodbye, there was a distance. I later wished I had sat on the couch next to her, instead of across from her as we talked for a couple hours. Just this and that chatting. I later wished I had allowed myself to cry when I first picked her up as I saw tears from her and her friend. I was terrified and could barely breath at the moment, but later also wished I'd allowed myself to cry and hug her as we chatted., instead I tried to ask questions about my granddaughter who I've also not seen now over 3 years. My D just blew past that and told me she doubts my granddaughter even remembers me. Instead she chatted a lot about her husbands new art studio , another unnecessary investment, though I said it sounded great. Then she talked a lot about her MIL and how her sons, including my SIL were all going out to help her at various times the next couple months because she had an issue with something to do with her legs not working right. My D talked so long about her MIL and how funny MIL was with the physical therapy and on and on. I was dismayed, in part because I'd been unable to even walk at all for about a year and none of my 2 had ever come to help me or even be concerned, instead my D & SIL had come to visit 10 days after I moved to this house in order to be able to better get up and down stairs. Instead they never helped with the move but came after 10 days as I was struggling to just get things sorted. When they left my D. wrote me that I was not welcome at their home again. She said I was so looped on medication I couldn't even talk right or make a sensible sentence. That blew me away. I was on no pain meds at all back then. I was in immense pain and that in part is why it was so darn difficult in spite I'd managed to throw a BBQ for them and my friends thought I talked quite well and were always helping me. They thought my daughter must have a serious mental issue not to understand my pain and that if I'd been on pain killers I would not have been so debilitated physically. It really hurt me to know I wasn't welcome at their home.That was 2009. After that she came again to visit and brought my granddaughter, just for 2 nights. Choosing not to come the weekend before she came when I had an art opening with a gallery and instead chose to come the weekend her friends sister, who my D disliked but who was getting married..I thought it was odd. Then in 2010 we had our last visit at a lake vacation that we all agreed was terrific. So in Jan of 2013 when she came to visit I was seriously doubting anything good would come out of that visit. In part it was my fault. I decided I just had to see my granddaughter and meet my now 3 year old grandson so I emailed D. within days of her short visit with me, asking If I could visit them for just 2 nights. I would fly in and out and that's it. I did ask of she would have my SIL give me a call. I felt unless I felt some sort of welcome from him, this might be a disastrous mistake to go.. My daughter got terribly miffed over that request. Granted I said some other stuff that I can clearly see she took over the top but when I re read what I wrote I didn't and still do not get it why she went so ballistic. It ended up with her saying I was no longer welcome and that though she said she saw I had "grown" some that I still needed more help. She is a newly licensed psychologist. Ugh. I was pissed and wrote back saying everything she said I understood and if I felt that way about anyone I wouldn't want them visiting me either. I ignored her assessment of my mental state but took issue with her emailing me every email I'd sent her for years as an example of why I am so crazy. In fact when I read my previous emails over the years I thought I'd been very clear and precise in regard to me not being willing to be treated like garbage while visiting.. Needless to say I've heard nothing. Though actually she did email me a few times about the cancer surgery and did send a cool book called 'Cured" about a woman's struggle with Ovarian cancer. I thanked her for that and was happy she thought about me. Then after the last email where I asked about how the kids were doing she cut me off and I've heard nothing else.
This kid stuff can make a person NUTS! I'm really sorry you have to process your birthday experience with fear of future troubles..
I do the same though and expect many of us do.
One good event can turn the tables. In my case I also suspect my SIL has a lot of control with my D. She is with a control freak narcissistic man that went to great lengths at the start of their relationship to game play head games with my daughter. As I watched her getting sucked in I would just hold my tongue. Hoping she would get the drift of his passive aggressive behavior of not answering when asked a question or playing ignoring games etc. Well, she took off with him immediately and went to a dead end road in Kauai and became everything he wanted her to be. Subservient and easily controlled and angry and hateful with me. He showed me right then how he disregarded me in ways that were really scary. I worried for years she might end up pushed off a mountain or drowned by him so he could have her inheritance. When he asked her to marry him a few days post delivery of her inheritance I just broke down. I knew there was nothing I could ever do to talk with her about this man. The day she told me she was pregnant with their 2nd child I had to leave their place, after congratulating them and go cry in a hotel. This is her life. her choices. Her disregard for me is like breathing to her now. I expect nothing good will ever happen. If it does, like her sending me a book or whatever I know it will be brief and over quickly. FU__ It's out of my control. The idea of seeing my kids makes me ill. Still the grandkids are something I will never get over. I was so close to all my grandparents. This seems really cruel and intentional. I do not like my kids.
As for mine: Well, 24 hours after the BD dinner... she won't pick up her phone at 8:50 pm, insisting she's going to bed right away.. no time for a few words... And,she's already warning me I better not be giving her feedback on how she responds on Facebook (I sent a VM saying I was dismayed she didn't just "like" my HUGE, FUNNY, custom-tailored thank you for the dinner.. In re-thinking this, I decided I won't thank you publically anymore and risk embarrassment with my friends who see she doesn't even acknowledge my praise of her online. I was trying to give our mutual friends/distant family some notion that.. hey, Jul's being decent tonight towards me...very decent.. it was a comment geared totally for her enjoyment.. cause it was so clever.. and for her benefit.. I got no sense she appreciated it.. So I LEARNED something.. Not to put myself out there to be embarrassed by her failure to acknowledge, publically.)
Ronits, I agree, I must stay guarded.. which is such a drag.. I can't let down my guard and be REAL with my D for fear she'll retreat for weeks, months.. it's happened repeatedly. Almost not worth the contact; but, honestly, I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with on a birthday!
Alfreda, my ED is so strange, it's like I never know which Jul will experience from one contact to another: One moment she's "normal Jul" and the every next, she's "cut you off if you open your mouth and I don't like a whiff of what comes out Jul." It's that crazy-making. In a way, I'm almost glad, 4 months later, that she moved an hour away and I don't deal with her all that often as I used to. I miss "normal Jul" but her sister, "Crazy Jul" seems to come along for the ride every time. Her current partner reinforces Crazy Jul; which is not going to be good, going forward. I will try to avoid anything remotely provocative when I see her next contact and let you all know how that goes.
THANK YOU, ALL for your thoughts; and for sharing your personal experiences with this type of ED!