Parents of Addicts Community Group
A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.
I was wondering if anyone here was in a situation where one parent of an adult alcoholic or addict had a different attitude or way of dealing with their kid which was causing a strain on the marriage.
In the situation with my husband and I, my husband wants to maintain contact with my 28-year-old alcoholic son, while I want to break off ties with him, at least until he becomes sober and is not verbally abusive to me (as he is from time to time.) My husband allows my son to arrive at my husband's very demanding job unexpectedly - my husband will run down to meet him on the street, and then take him to buy clothes at the Salvation Army (we can't give him cash for obvious reasons)or to buy him shaving cream or underwear, etc. Every time I feel like I am regaining my sanity to some extent, my son shows up at my husband's place of work or calls him (about once a week - not lately because he is in rehab for a short-term stay right now...) - and it seems to me that he is obviously using my husband, because he virtually never shows up just to see how my husband is doing (his father has been ill) - but always wants something from him.
My husband and I argue a lot about this, and this causes me to feel that I want to run away and live with a friend across the country, or by myself, far away from all this. I feel like I am dealing with two emotionally unstable men at once. (And my husband goes to two Al-Anon meetings a week!) My husband has admitted that he needs to see his son, and that he is glad that our son stops by where he works. I want to know that my son is alive and functioning somewhere, but that is about all the information I can handle at this point, after years of endless struggle. I feel like I have no choice but to remain in my son's life, because his father insists on keeping in touch with him. I also feel guilty about leaving and living on my own for awhile, even for a short period, because my husband has a seizure disorder, and even though it is under control with medication, he is still vulnerable to having seizures.
This is longer than I expected - sorry - but I basically wanted to know how members dealt with a situation where you had a different stance towards your kid than your husband or your wife.
Janet
In the situation with my husband and I, my husband wants to maintain contact with my 28-year-old alcoholic son, while I want to break off ties with him, at least until he becomes sober and is not verbally abusive to me (as he is from time to time.) My husband allows my son to arrive at my husband's very demanding job unexpectedly - my husband will run down to meet him on the street, and then take him to buy clothes at the Salvation Army (we can't give him cash for obvious reasons)or to buy him shaving cream or underwear, etc. Every time I feel like I am regaining my sanity to some extent, my son shows up at my husband's place of work or calls him (about once a week - not lately because he is in rehab for a short-term stay right now...) - and it seems to me that he is obviously using my husband, because he virtually never shows up just to see how my husband is doing (his father has been ill) - but always wants something from him.
My husband and I argue a lot about this, and this causes me to feel that I want to run away and live with a friend across the country, or by myself, far away from all this. I feel like I am dealing with two emotionally unstable men at once. (And my husband goes to two Al-Anon meetings a week!) My husband has admitted that he needs to see his son, and that he is glad that our son stops by where he works. I want to know that my son is alive and functioning somewhere, but that is about all the information I can handle at this point, after years of endless struggle. I feel like I have no choice but to remain in my son's life, because his father insists on keeping in touch with him. I also feel guilty about leaving and living on my own for awhile, even for a short period, because my husband has a seizure disorder, and even though it is under control with medication, he is still vulnerable to having seizures.
This is longer than I expected - sorry - but I basically wanted to know how members dealt with a situation where you had a different stance towards your kid than your husband or your wife.
Janet
Your husband likely deals wth your son's addiction by having to "see that he is still alive." He is providing clothing for him and not money. For you, the way you are handling it is by "out of sight out of mind." By that I mean, if you don;t see him, he isn't occupying your mind. But perhaps for your husband it is just the opposite, if he doesn't see him, he occupies his mind with worry.
These are two approaches and neither are wrong. Each must handle the relationship the way it works for them. This is not to say, your husband may not reach the point where seeing his son is harder than full detachment. Or, that you may not decide it is better seeing than wondering.
My husband and I handled our relationship with our son completely different as well. There were times I was as angry with my husband as I was my son. But, the truth was, I wanted my husband to behave and handle the relationship like I was. That was no different than me wanting my son to handle his relationship with drugs the way I would. It wasn't going to happen. The best thing I ever did was let them both have the freedom of choice. And, not make my husband choose between my son and me. (interstingly, my husband is NOT my son's biological father).
Keep in mind, the "old conventional" view is "full detachment," but more and more studies show in many cases this only serves to reinforce what an addict already feels, unloved, unwanted, unworthy, hopeless and useless." That is why it is so important to detach with love, if you can.
Anger is a completely normal reaction... Check out the parental healing article under "news" in this support group.
Hugs!!!!!
Thanks for your response. I understand what you are saying, about accepting my husband's way of dealing with our son - but I get frustrated, because it adds another "layer" of struggle and challenge to the whole situation - having to accept two individuals' ways of dealing with a problematic situation, plus learning to distance.
I think it bothers me so much when my husband sees my son because he brings back a "report" of what my son tells him, and deep down I am really chomping at the bit to hear what is going on in his life, so I can get involved and "fix" it. So I will get upset if my husband doesn't ask the obvious questions, such as, "Are you living in a safe place now?" I can get extremely anxious to the point where it feels unbearable if I do not know where my son is (where he is living or staying at the time) - as I have a fear of him living on the streets. So my husband's meetings with my son throw a wrench into my whole plan to back off more, or at least make my "plan" much more difficult.
My husband and I agree that we want to know where our son is - but my husband wants to see him, while I feel, having been raised in a physically and emotionally abusive family, that I will not be abused in any way ever again (when my son is drinking, he can be very cruel towards me.) I think this is also part of why I have this urge to flee - I never dreamed that I would wind-up living out the same scenario (being abused by a family member) in middle age! We all deserve some peace in our lives as we grow older -
I also don't understand how a person can "distance with love". I guess if I think of it as loving the person whom I am distancing from, then I can understand it. But I feel that if I allow myself to actively feel the love I have for my son (and it is definitely still there), then that feeling of love and the attempt to distance feels incompatible.
It's almost like when a person is trying to end an abusive relationship. If the person focuses on the love he or she has for the partner, then it will be more difficult to separate from that abusive person. Or maybe some people are capable of actively feeling the love yet still distancing.
And how can one love without enabling? These are lessons I need desperately to learn. Because I know that my son sees our refusal to give him money or pay his rent again as a withholding of love, and a rejection. And yet, we can't do those things, for the sake of his sobriety.
This can all be so complicated -
Janet
But tell him what would work. 1. Don't tell me when you see our son. I can't handle it.
2. When you see him or talk to him, for me, please find out... XYZ. Then tell me."
While you are at it, find out how he feels when he talks to you son and what to for him personally in his battle to coup with the situation.
This may come as a shock to you, but at the time of my son's worst point of addiction, I actually told people I did not have any children. I could not handle the next barrage of perfectly acceptable questions, such as, how old is he, what does he do for a living, etc.
And lastly, loving him and detaching can be as simple as reminding yourself, he shares your DNA and as your son you love him, but you hate his addiction and his behavior when he is using and for that reason cannot be around him. The mind is an amazing thing, sometime we really do have to explain things to ourself.
If you have to, write your son a letter, let him know because you love him, you will not enable him. This mens not paying his rent or giving him money (I think it also means not giving him a job either) Tell him above all this hurts you more than it does him and you pray that he will find his way. Remind him if you have to, this is about taking care of YOU and about healthy boundaries and consequences. Unless he has a mental disorder and auditory processing issues, he will get it.
Hugs!!! have an awesome Sunday.
I know you understand, and I don't think you're trying to fix my situation. I appreciate your responses...
It's interesting that what you suggest as a way to interact with my husband is how we have been interacting, almost exactly as you write it! But when I ask him to find out some basic thing, such as where my son is presently living, he "forgets" to ask. I don't want to know all the gory details about my son's life - just that he has a roof over his head and that he is eating. So then I have a meltdown when my husband does not ask him abou this. I guess I am still entangled to a large extent.
I can understand telling people that you don't have any children. What is funny with me and my husband is that people don't even ask about my son, even though they know he exists. I think they must sense that something is amiss, unless they are just self-involved about their own kids. I am relieved that they don't ask - because, like you, I dread the questions about his life which will follow. On one rare occasion, I used the old '60s answer, "He's finding himself". What a joke...
The way you explain loving with detachment sounds "do-able" - thank you for showing me a way to wrap my mind around it. I don't think he would read a letter I wrote to him - I don't even think he read the Christmas card we sent to him. I have told him on the phone that I love him, but he doesn't understand about taking care of myself and setting boundaries for myself. He always responds, "But what about ME and what I'M going through???" I believe he does have a serious mental disorder - he's not schizophrenic or psychotic or anything, but he has this way of either seeing himself as garbage or making excuses for his behavior, shifting back and forth from one perception to another.
Thanks again for your compassionate responses,
Janet
It will give you hope. is he bipolar? Has he been tested?
He was diagnosed with what the Board of Ed called a "rare learning disorder" back when he was in grade school. They did not give us much help in dealing with it, although my son was channeled into a smaller class when he entered high school, which was focused on kids with learning problems, after they had first put him in a gifted program in Freshman year, and he did not do well in this program. He has been in therapy, but was never diagnosed as bipolar. he has been diagnosed as having a strong tendency towards depression, though, and has often been depressed in his life, so I feel he is self-medicating with alcohol.
Right now he is receiving counseling through the rehab program he's in, but I am cynical about counseling in rehab centers in my city (NYC), as the counseling tends to be very superficial and aimed at where the resident will go when he leaves rehab, rather than his or her underlying issues.
He tends to be anti-therapy and anti-medication at this point in his life, and will not disclose what he was told in therapy as an adult - and of course, that is his right - so I don't know what his "official" psychiatric diagnosis is, except that he is prone to depression.
Janet
You are very wise and express yourself so eloquently. You know exactly what to say and do it so kindly. I just had to say that........ :-)