Cab6.... ... that's what addicts do. They "hole up" somewhere. Somewhere they can do drugs with people who are doing drugs. Birds of a feather. He is doing what is natural for a drug addict. I can empathize so very much. When our son was missing for 21 days, I drove the streets of the worst part of town with his Dog and the windows down commanding his dog 'Find Daddy".... what was I thinking? I was acting as insane has he was. I was swept away by the drama. I didn't care about my safety or that I left without telling my husband what I was doing. He would have kept me from doing such an insane thing. I feared the same things. I had his funeral in my mind over and over again. I was driving myself crazy. Then one day, i was simply worn out. I had hit my bottom. I let him go. The power he had over me was broken. If he chose to die, I was sorry, but I could not cause it, cure it or control it. Just as most feel relieved when their child is in jail, I actually found solace in knowing if he died, his battle would be over. We would all be free and I felt he would be a far better place than the hell of addiction. You will hit your bottom too. Just like he must.
He is already destroying a part of you, do not let him destroy your family. This does not mean, you can't love him. it means you must protect and save yourself and the family.
Most likely he is NOT dead. 99% of the time, the things we worry about do not happen. Addicts are extremely resourceful. Addicts take care of each other. Just like he is addicted to drugs, we become addicted to the drama. Unfortunately it is what leads us to the worst conclusions. Take a deep breathe, bake a cake, do something for and with your family. Things will work out.
Do you do the family meetings.... take a break if you want to. it may in fact put too much focus on what is happening now. Do not worry about doing the right thing for your son. Worry about doing the right thing or you and your family.
Hugs!!! We are here for you.
Stay Safe.

Cab6, I am so sorry your going through all this pain right now. I think your fears are what we all are afraid of. You just never know what will happen. But then we don't know that in our lives either.

When my phone rings at night or early am I am always fearful it will be the police. I try not to dwell on this because I can't control this anymore then I can control anything but myself.

Are you going to meetings to get some support? I loved when I went to Naranon meetings, it always seemed to help me.
Try to be strong, I know it's hard. Your right, you need to focus on your other children who need you! HUgs

I tortured myself with these thoughts every time my son disappeared for a few days. It turned out he had a couple of "friends" old enough to have apartments where he stayed partying and playing video games. One time they took off in a car to drive 10 hours to a concert. In the end, I lost days of sleep worrying myself sick while he was having a great time.

Of course, my son has only been gone 4 days at the longest, and he did stay in touch occasionally through text messages, so I at least knew he was still alive. How long has your son been gone? Have you had any contact at all?

Get some sleep. Take care of yourself and your other children. Remind yourself that it's normal behavior for people with drug problems to disappear. It's rare that they actually die, and, I hate to say it and worry you more, but kids actually do die of drug overdoses right in their own bedrooms. The fact that they are out of the house doesn't really make it more likely. It only makes you more scared. It can also help them to hit bottom faster and give them the desire to get better. This may be an important part of his journey.

When he comes back, as he almost certainly will, that's when you need to be strong and do the right thing. That's why you need your sleep right now and need to be thinking clearly. In your relief to see him, you may let him escape consequences. Or, you may become angry and react poorly, especially if you've been living at the end of your rope. Instead of focusing on what happens if he doesn't come back, focus on the best way to handle it when he does come back.

When my son repeatedly stayed away from home for days at a time this winter, I eventually called his bluff. I told him that if his friend wanted him as a roommate, she could have him. I bought moving boxes and started packing up his room. I told him he had to get a job so he could help with the rent because I wasn't going to do it for him. His friend was not interested in having him move in and dumped him back on my doorstep. That was my leverage to let him know that the price of admission back into our house was that he sign the papers to in patient rehab. Otherwise, he was homeless in January in Wisconsin in the middle of a cold snap. He tried going to another friend's, but got kicked out at 4:30 in the morning when the temperature was 4 below zero. He realized how good he had it at home and agreed to sign the papers. He's been at the rehab center for almost two months and he's coming home today.

All excellent responses. I want to add again, Take Care of Yourself and your other children.

You must not sacrifice yourself on the altar of family addiction...too many parents have done this.

Yes, go to meetings for support. Come and post here on DS. Remember, this is a One Day at a Time
process.

If you are a Twelve Step member: Remember you didn't cause it (addiction); You can't Cure it; You can't control it. These are referred to as The 3 C's.

Keep Coming Back

We kicked one of the boys out of the house with no ceremony - we just reached the end of our rope one day and before the night was over we insisted he was out of the house. I didn't see him or hear from him for days. I beat myself up worrying that if something happened to him it was my fault. Of course, when I'm thinking with a clear head I know that's not true. But it was still so painful at the time. I had terrible nightmares that I found him dead. Yeah...it was way out of control. But as others have said here he found his way to friends. He was couch surfing. He even moved to a city about an hour south of our home. Over time he began keeping in touch more. Over time he also found out that living on his own required responsibility - like a job and contributing to the expenses of those friends that were putting up with him. Ironically, he cleaned up his act for a really long time (nearly a year). Not to put a downer on it - yes, he relapsed in time. But I learned that he COULD do it. And so did he. Focus your love and attention on the rest of your family - find strength in them. Your son will contact you in time.

So sorry you are feeling this! Good advice from those with experience and I can only tell you to ease it out of your mind, concentrate on helping yourself be strong for you and your other kids!! It will only do good for you if you want to. Don't let this control you and everything you do. Keep writing in your journal! Get the pain and hurt down and start each day new. Give yourself hope. Good luck and peace to you!

Good advice we need to follow.. it..

Thank you all so much for your support. Here I am, sleepless again, but finding much strength in what you've said. He is alive, called my husband today. I'd forgotten how many times before he deliberately stayed out-of-touch long enough for us to fall for his manipulation when he finally did surface. He (martyr that he is) is living on the streets but has food and shelter. I am going to the family program at my other son's rehab. They aren't the same person and I can't make son #2 suffer for what son #1 has done to us. In that same vein, son #2 won't have the same enabling behaviors from us either. At least I'll try.

Hang in there.