Parents of Addicts Community Group

A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.

120 Members
414 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Parents of Addicts Support Group

jerked around

missmaple
missmaple
My son is doing great and full of plans one day, then changes his mind the next. One day he is an alcoholic, the next day he is not and can have a drink now and then. One day he is going to college, the next maybe not. Getting married yes... OK no... Moving in with his girlfriend... breaking up with her. Getting ready to make amends to his brother who he hurt so deeply. Nope... Doesn't see the point. I just can't find the right way to listen to him and not get "hooked." When I hear what I want to hear, I believe. When he yanks it back, I grieve. If I take a long view I know he is in a much better place than 2 years ago. But the day to day steps forward and back are making me a nervous wreck. Anyone have a good one sentence response to a 20 year old who announces plans and seldom follows through? I don't want to be rude or discouraging (since sometimes he DOES get things accomplished) but also don't want to think I believe everything he says.
mayanana
mayanana
I try to be as noncommittal and indifferent as I can. I don't offer suggestions or criticize her. If she ever does something positive and sustains it, then she gets mild praise. She's responsible for herself and her actions, not me. She's the one that has to suffer the consequences (other than I'm raising her child). She's 40 and I now have learned her patterns so well that nothing comes as a surprise and I can accurately predict what her next actions will be in any given situation. It's sad but she doesn't change. She's an addict and always will be, that's all...at least at 20 you can still have some hope he will change...but not because of anything you do or don't do.
bambusue
bambusue
"you may be right'
"I wish you well with that"
Don't even let him know you are hooked emotionally. Easier said than done, I know. But letting go is hard, and all you can do is all you can do.
joenick1961
joenick1961
I know how you feel...the roller coaster of hopeful decisions. My son is 25 and I wonder when and if he will ever be able to be on his own. Has all these hopes as aspirations, then does something so ridiculously stupid. How could someone so smart be so stupid. Now my motto is "I will believe it when I see it!".
missmaple
missmaple
Thanks to you two! We've had some good conversations lately. He is actually taking college classes and called a new psychiatrist to revisit the meds he needs. Some follow through here. I AM trying to minimize my input. I think the tricky part, when he is doing well, is separating what a typical parent would say to a typical freshman in college (how are your professors?) from the things that are not so typical or may get us back into the cycle of codependence (why aren't you going to meetings?). The other day he "confessed" to me that he probably won't get straight As this first semester. If only he knew... I don't need or even care about straight As. I am so delighted he is alive, safe, and not destructive to himself!