Parents of Addicts Community Group
A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.
My daughter went on the run (no showed to work, never went back to sober house- all in violation of her probation and there is a warrant out for her). January 10th. Since then I have had little communication with her. She text once to say she was fine and not to call because she won't answer. Since then she sent me a message via MySpace apologizing, she's ok and being well taken care of. I sent her a message on MySpace but she won't respond. She text hello how's it going to her brother but that was it. I know she has a phone (don't know how) I see that she logs into MySpace usually everyday so in that respect, I am relieved because at least I know she's kind of ok. Currently, she hasn't signed in since March 8th and naturally I am out of my mind with worry. What does it mean? Is she safe? Did she lose her place to stay? What is she doing? Why can't I help her? Why can't somebody help her? Why can't she help herself? We've been at this game for going on 3 years now with no end in sight. If I think about the long term possibilities then it's insurmountable so I try to just look at today or now. But even that is a daunting task. Like all of you, I am tremendously heartbroken and am filled with guilt, hoplessness and indescribable pain. Oh how I miss her. She is my oldest and for her early years it was me and her against the world. I was 15 and alone and she was and is my everything. I know all the same stuff, cause it, cure it, change it, blah blah blah- it doesn't change how it FEELS. Words can't come close to explaining the shredded, raw nerves, the gaping wound, the endless abyss that is my every waking moment. I understand that she doesn't want to call me because she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, but she could send me a message or communicate somehow. Why is she punishing me? Why does she stay away? Does she care how much it hurts, not just me but the rest of our family too? It kills me that she doesn't think she is worth saving.
No real point to this posting but it felt better to write. Thanks for letting me ramble.
No real point to this posting but it felt better to write. Thanks for letting me ramble.
Also~ I know how our addicts can appear as though they're punishing us or that they just don't care. Using addicts really don't care about us but we must not take it personally (easier said than done - I know) because they are only focusing on one thing ~ taking care of their drug habit. It's a very selfish disease.
You said you are worried about her welfare - where she's living ~ "Did she lose her place to stay?" ~ well from what I've been told by many "seasoned" parents and drug counselors is that our addict children are much more resourceful than we give them credit for. In fact, a drug counselor friend of mine said that when his son (who is now serving his 4th prison term and he's not even 30 yet) was no longer living at home and on the streets ~ my friend said that he was sick with worry ~ not knowing where he was living or how he was surviving. And do you know what? His son called from Florida ~ and here my friend was up north complaining about the cold winter weather. Through time this friend (and dad) learned to put his son in God's hands.
Take care and I will say some prayers for you.
Letting go is one of the hardest things I've had to do.