Parents of Addicts Community Group
A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.
So my AD just got released from a 90 day stint in jail. The last 60 days were spent in 'the hole' which meant no calls, no visitors, no food from commisary, no books except AA, NA, and the Bible, and lockdown 23 hours a day in her cell.
As difficult as it was not to be able to talk to her, it was also a relief. For 60 days I could pretend that this whole nightmare wasn't happening. We wrote letters back and forth that were very therapeutic for both of us. The time by herself opened her eyes, or so it seems. She read the NA book 3 times and said it was like somebody hit her over the head with it because she got so much good information from it. For the first time in the 2+ years this has been going on, she is saying all the right things. She's sorry, wants to get her life back, wants to go to meetings, is willing to do the Sober Living program that her PO is sending her to, and is excited to get on with real life, not the drug consumed life she had previously been living. As happy as all this makes me, I am scared. I have been hopeful so many times in the past. I have allowed myself to believe in her and trust that this time will be different so many times only to be crushed and let down again. I don't trust her. She has been home for 2 days while she's waiting to get into sober living and I can't relax. I watch her constantly. I hide my purse, lock my bedroom door, time her when she's in the bathroom, check her phone calls and text messages, and am generally very suspicious of her, with good reason. I feel terrible but I can't wait til she leaves. I can't live this way. I miss her, love her, want to be with her but I hate being so mistrusting. I feel so torn. I wonder if the trust ever comes back? I wonder if I will ever be able to relax with her around? I used to want my daughter back but the daughter I wanted is gone. She is a different person now and this makes me so sad. Even if this truly is a new beginning and she does everything right from here on out, she is not the daughter I had before the drugs- she is forever gone. Can I love her the same? will our relationship ever be healthy again? So sad, and confused but hopeful and scared. It would be good to hear anyone's thoughts. Thanks for letting me ramble.
As difficult as it was not to be able to talk to her, it was also a relief. For 60 days I could pretend that this whole nightmare wasn't happening. We wrote letters back and forth that were very therapeutic for both of us. The time by herself opened her eyes, or so it seems. She read the NA book 3 times and said it was like somebody hit her over the head with it because she got so much good information from it. For the first time in the 2+ years this has been going on, she is saying all the right things. She's sorry, wants to get her life back, wants to go to meetings, is willing to do the Sober Living program that her PO is sending her to, and is excited to get on with real life, not the drug consumed life she had previously been living. As happy as all this makes me, I am scared. I have been hopeful so many times in the past. I have allowed myself to believe in her and trust that this time will be different so many times only to be crushed and let down again. I don't trust her. She has been home for 2 days while she's waiting to get into sober living and I can't relax. I watch her constantly. I hide my purse, lock my bedroom door, time her when she's in the bathroom, check her phone calls and text messages, and am generally very suspicious of her, with good reason. I feel terrible but I can't wait til she leaves. I can't live this way. I miss her, love her, want to be with her but I hate being so mistrusting. I feel so torn. I wonder if the trust ever comes back? I wonder if I will ever be able to relax with her around? I used to want my daughter back but the daughter I wanted is gone. She is a different person now and this makes me so sad. Even if this truly is a new beginning and she does everything right from here on out, she is not the daughter I had before the drugs- she is forever gone. Can I love her the same? will our relationship ever be healthy again? So sad, and confused but hopeful and scared. It would be good to hear anyone's thoughts. Thanks for letting me ramble.
Yet we have that pang of guilt because it is our child.
Someone said a long time that my daughter is gone, I am only looking at someone who looks like her but inside is not the same. That hurt so much but when I thought about it..it was so true and made it easier to deal with all the hurt and emotion.
On the same hand they say you can never go back..but it can get better then it was. So maybe you can keep that tucked away and that day will come for you and her. She has a lot of proving to do and time as always will tell. ((hugs)) From where I sit, at least you are communicating with her and are hopeful she opened her eyes in jail. I haven't spoken to my daughter or heard from her at all yet I know she is 5 minutes away. I am sure I would have the same feelings you have now if she showed up. Kinda a dammed if we do and dammed if we don't.
Just hang onto your gut feelings and stay strong. You know actions always speak louder then words...it's just the time waiting to see which way it will go. And hopefully it will be her good choices this time. I pray for you that it will be. Be strong..I know it's hard and look out for you now too!