I can tell you, therapist who are "addiction specialists" are a whole lot more knowledgeable about what has to be done, than those who are Marriage and Family Therapists. We went through 6 therapists before we found one that took charge and really understood the whole dynamics. Not to go on, but I can tell you on several we were simply pouring money down the drain. One kept telling us "she" wanted to work on my husband and I "refilling our love tank" and not feeling so overwhelmed. She NEVER once gave advice or suggested treatment, behavior or consequences for our son. Another, told us there wasn't much he could suggest to us, but he'd love to have us come in whenever our drug addict got out of line. He acted like the whole thing was just part of life. The Dr. who helped the most, is the advisor to Dr. Drew, on the TV program Intervention. She was not trained here in the U.S. The therapist we use has over 10 years working with drug addiction in Central Los Angeles.
So, I guess what I'm saying is... find another therapist. Ask for a recommendation. don't give up. I hate to say it but, it's just like finding a good mechanic or hair stylist - some aren't very good, especially if they haven't been trained.

I didn't want that to sound negative... perhaps I should have said..
some are more effective than others.
Hugs.

mgs 1 was so right. I can't tell you how many psychologists, therapist etc. we have been to. My husband's brother was instrumental in giving us direction. (he as been in recovery about 2 1/2 yrs now) . My husband didn't want to see how bad it was either. But his brother opened his eyes. Another thing I did, because for him just listening to one person wouldn't help was.....I found this site, asked him, no begged him to sit with me and read some of the stories and responses. It took awhile, but he finally got it. I think it's hard for Moms but, and I could be wrong, it's harder for father's with sons. I bought my husband the book "My Beautiful Boy" he read it 2x! Also took out of the library "Tough Love" he read that and kept taking it out. By the way nurse in the hospital where my son was taken, came up to us and said "read Tough Love"! she wasn't even the tending nurse, just overheard what was going on. The hardest thing and best thing we did, was to kick him out. Very, very difficult to do, but necessay. We learned as long as they have a fall back position, they will continue. You are in my prayers.

We had a great therapist who got us to agree to a pact: We are in this boat together, We won't always prefer the same means to an end, but We are united in our common goal.
I brought out these ideas a couple times when we were fighting about what to do with our son.
i found that over time and with the therapist's help, we've been able to come to an understanding that includes me (being in AlAnon) understanding that my way is not the only way and to stop criticizing. It has allowed DH to listen to me more carefully in return. There is peace between us, which is a great step forward and a comfort.
We also realized together that DH is the only one Son listens to, so he can deal with him, but now I trust him to do that.
All this has taken time and opening up communication. The situation is not perfect, but better. There's something in the AlAnon ideas about not trying to force an outcome.
I guess everyone's situation is their own--how much the enabling goes on, and how much fighting there is about it is unique to everyone's situation.

Thanks all! Since I've posted this question - more has happened. Our son stole nearly $600 from my husband. And even though our son hadn't displayed this kind of drug behavior since his relapse, my husband knew enough to hide the money - where he thought was a great place. Needless to say, my husband was extremely hurt and angry. I rarely see my husband upset. I'm sorry my son took his $ but I'm glad, in a way, because now my husband can see the seriousness of our son's situation.

We decided we're going to give this counselor one more try for a few reasons - one: because he knows our son so well, two: his advice in the past has always been addiction/recovery oriented and was consistent with Al Anon.

The last meeting with him really threw me off. I'd like to think that the counselor hoped a natural consequence (enabling) would happen so that my husband would come to a decision by himself.

If this crisis intervention isn't what I'm expecting -- we will definitely move on.

I understand your reasons for sticking with the couselor. One pattern I've noticed with our son's counselor is that she seems to insist on giving communication-related "homework" at the end of a session - I think counselors always try to facilitate communication, and are reluctant to suggest anything appearing like giving up. Even after son has done something horrific such as stealing or running away or using. I leave the sessions sometimes scratching my head and wondering if she really "gets" what we're up against with him. Typically I'm only sitting in with them at the beginning of the session, then I leave to let them talk. Sometimes I also come in at the end to hear the "plan" til the next session. Don't ever forget that you are paying him and if you feel like progress isn't being made you should state that (obviously politely). Some kids need more than the routine techniques, and sometimes the counselor needs to be reminded that Parent's House Rules often take precedence over Topics of Therapy. The Parents call the shots and the kids, even when they are adults, must respect the Parents.

I am feeling your pain! We also went through a few therapists before we had to send M. away for a year to a residential facility. It was amazing how my husband stepped up to the plate after that! We had sessions designed to get all the story out, then individual therapy with each parent and I can say HE had to have more of these than I did. He is quiet and introspective and after it all sunk in he was THERE for M. and has been ever since! I keep reminding him that we are very lucky she is alive because of these decisions made and the only way we can keep M. on the right track is daily communication. Touching base and not giving in to "letting Mom" handle the situations all the time. YOU have to trust your instincts and insights in this one and I'm so sorry this has hurt you so much! Love to you! D.

Often times, a family therapist is always about "communication" as they try and get the family dynamics to resemble something of a healthy environment. The issue is with the addict, it is NOT about the drugs. Drugs are a symptom of what is really going on. An addict won't, can't, doesn't know how to manage their emotions and feelings and his fallback is always to use, so he doesn't have to feel. The problem is, as long as he/she keeps using, the brain never heals and they never learn to deal with the emotions they are trying to escape, except for the brain to say, "I need drugs." it is a vicious cycle.
Now, I'm going out on a limb here and some may not agree. The conventional wisdom of Alanon and many therapist is "tough love." But, the one primary and consistent feeling of addicts is they are, unworthy, unloved, unlovable, shamed, blamed, and worthless. It may not appear that way since their behavior is so selfish and destructive, but it's true. often times, "tough love" only serves to reinforce what the addict already feels. Yes, they do need to hit bottom, yes they do need to learn from consequences, but still knowing the key thing... they are salvageable and have value. That is the key thing the therapist must work on with an addict along with attempting to heal the family as a whole.
It is a daunting task.

I agree with you on that issue, mgs. The original idea of tough love was to have the addict deal with the consequences of their behavior. But as we've experienced, there are many things an addict can do to avoid dealing with their feelings or their mess ups or any other consequences. Doing tough love in reality doesn't always work, and the family ends up upset and angry as a result.
Of course, total enabling gets everyone to about the same place.
i'm glad there is dialog about what to do, though, because i think it's important for each family to suss out what seems the best course for them, or even what changes to make as each situation arises. Some addicts need consistency, but others need to be dealt with flexibly. The idea is knowing that there are choices.
When I mentioned that my husband is the primary contact with my son now, that would have gone contrary to my opinion even a year and a half ago, as he's the one who gives money to the addict. Not a lot of money, but I would still object. if it were up to me, I would cut the addict off completely. (Extremes!) So for me to agree that DH can be the primary contact, is not anywhere near where i was in the past.
Not to say that it will get any different results than anything else; one of the AlAnon principles buried in there somewhere is not to try to force outcomes.
Just saying that I'm oK with trying it differently now. May i have the ability to see there are still more ways to deal with situations when the need arises.