Please, please consider attending Al Anon.
The members will understand, as I do.

...and as the words of our opening state: "...we can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."

Welcome to the group that no one really wants to be in, because of the hell we have gone through with our children we are here. It is a roller coaster ride and a nightmare that we want to wake up from. My son is 19 has had addiction to opiates, oxycotin and percocit. He quit school in 11th grade, because they were going to kick him out for drugs. He has no plans for college and goes from job to job. He has been drug free since last November, which was a miracle. So I am sleeping better at night, hoping he will have a future. We still have struggles with him but he is in a better place than a year ago. I am thankful that he is alive. We have to learn from this, help others and try to move forward in our lives. There were times that I didn't I think I could get through this addiction but I have and I try to focus on the positive things in life. I feel like we can not allow the addiction to destroy our lives. Get as much support as you can, continue to love him. It helped me to read books about the addiction.

Butterfly: I'm glad your son is staying clean. That's the most important thing right now. The rest may or may not come but nothing has a chance of happening if he isn't clean. I wonder if when my son gets out of jail he'll relapse, because his sobriety has been imposed on him by his incarceration; it didn't come from him. Yes, I know, it is out of my control and that's the mantra that we have to live by, but sometimes it doesn't make it any easier. Bubbles, for almost one year my husband and I have been attending Nar-Anon meetings weekly. It's been our salvation. And still...there are days...
Blessings to both!

I think it's hard to have patience. drug addiction can last for years as you all know. I think as parents we have the need to fix it, to protect them, no matter how old they are. It is hard and sometimes the heartbreak seems unbearable. But this is the way it is, so we have to try to be strong and move forward. maybe your son will relapse but maybe he will want to stop, that is the key- for they themselves to want to stop. and as cody told me when I asked why he quit, he said he just got tired of that life. but he still has problems due to the way he thinks, like it's hard for him to budget money, be in a relationship or keep a job, it is frusterating, but there is hope for him, the important thing was to get clean. please keep us posted.

So very, very sorry.

Out of curiosity - was your son diagnosed with BP and BPD after he was clean after a period of time? The reason I ask is - because your son has been involved in opiates for a significant amount of time - they say it takes a whole year before their brains are healed. Also - now that you look back - was your son difficult to raise prior to using?

The reason I'm bringing this up is I have two out of three sons who have chemical dependency issues. And a niece with BPD. My sister always struggled with her daughter since she was an infant but got worse as she hit adolescence and adulthood - she is not an addict. My middle son was diagnosed with depression as a teen and later BP2. I only believe the second diagnosis now (wouldn't have then) based on what I've learned about BP2 and on some subtle behaviors he had as an adolescent.

Youngest son? He was a heavy user of the harder drugs as a teen, went to rehab, and later under court orders he was to see a psychiatrist. This quack had my son diagnosed with BP within 10 minutes of meeting with him. This doctor never took a history - never asked me how he was before using. My son had no behavioral problems. I would not put my son on the mood stabilizer the doctor was pushing.

After all that - I don't mean to give you something else to be concerned about but I've heard many stories from parents whose children have been misdiagnosed. I'm sure you're aware of all of this and have educated yourself about these issues but some people put too much trust into these so called doctors and I think it can make the situation worse - if that's possible.

Mom of 3, I know you are asking Beantown, but I wanted to give some feedback. My son was never diagnosed as Bipolar, but definately with depression. It is when the drugs began, he had his heart broken and slipped into a deep depression. He is on suboxone as well as fluexontine, which he thinks help him. I think it's quite normal for them to have a dual diagnosis.

Butterfly - that is true that co-occurring happens. There is no doubt about that. And from what I've learned - mental illnesses can happen after doing drugs.

That said - it is also recognized that some doctors diagnose prematurely without really taking the time to figure it out - if it was a condition prior to taking drugs (history of behavior), or it's the drugs that are temporarily causing these symptoms, or the drugs that sometimes cause permanent damage.

My point is just be aware - that's all. :-)

I read your story and so much of this is my story also. My son discovered smoking OxyContin in college and the everything else in his life fell apart. Failed out of his sophomore year of college; got caught with pot in his freshman year; got accused of stealing $10,000 in drug money and losing a package of drugs worth $12,000; has a girlfriend who "must" smoke pot for her migraines (her mother approves) and is on antidepressants, anti anxiety pills, sleeping pills etc., has broken into numerous cars even in my neighborhood and sells items on eBay; has broken into his friend's homes and stolen their belongings; and has gone into fits of rage towards his family. There's so much more but my heart breaks just writing this and I'm having a hard time typing through my tears!

I'm convinced the drugs have done permanent damage because he just is not the same. He does not respect any authority figures or laws. I asked him what the high was like on those pills and he said "extreme nonchalance". And that is what his life has become. Is there any hope? I'm at the point where all I pay for is his cellphone and car insurance. My ex husband suggested I "repossess" those and cut him off. Did you ever cut your son off?

Every thought I have with regard to my addict son begins with hope and fades into reality and despair. I just want my little boy back.

AlwaysYourMom, I am sorry for all the pain you are experiencing right now. I am not a good person to give advice on what to do and not to do, because I know we were big time enablers. We followed my son around, questioned his friends, punished him, threatened him, kicked him out, begged him, bribed him, just everything you could think of when you are desperate. But I don't know if his drug problem would of gone on longer with or without our assistance. My son stopped because he made that decision, not because we helped him get clean, not because we convinced him or not because we punished him. We did take his phone and car away in the past, but that never stopped the drug use. As long as they want to use, they will, they might just get better at hiding it. The only advice I can give to anyone is currently going through this would be to take care of yourself, get as much support as you can, whether professionally or through meetings, friends, families. Don't isolate yourself, you can not do this alone. IF you believe in God, PRAY, it may take awhile but our prayer was answered-GOD SAVE MY SON! Continue to love him, it may not be permanent damage-the drugs most likely have taken over and he no longer is the same person. He is a slave to the drugs now. Do not give up HOPE even though the whole situation seems so hopeless. As long as he is alive, he has a chance of stopping and changing, a chance to be "normal".

Compared to my second child, yes, I would say my son was more difficult to raise. He was less self-reliant, less self-disciplined, more "daring," and less responsive to authority. He lied easily and deceived us often. He was disorganized in school and not very motivated. By the time he was a senior in high school, we took him to a psychiatrist who identified him as borderline ADHD, but the meds gave him headaches and he quit taking them. By then he had been drinking quite a bit, smoking pot, and taking prescription meds (Xanax among them). He also had trouble sleeping and had several anxiety attacks. And he had bouts of depression and anger issues. We tried to get him to agree to get treatment for the depression, but he refused. I think this is at the core of all his troubles. Now, as for the bipolar disorder. He was diagnosed while he was in his last rehab, so I am not sure if the condition was there before, or if the depression morphed into BD by way of drugs. I suppose what worries me the most about him is that he has never been bothered by doing "wrong." He has never had a fully-developed conscience, and because of the drugs, he has not had the chance to "grow" one. When he was discharged from this last rehab, we made the mistake of letting him move back home so he could receive outpatient treatment in a county-supported program. Within 2 weeks, he stole my last piece of jewelry that had any value (which of course he denied), and we are pretty sure he broke into our neighbor's house (was interrupted by our neighbor's arrival). No one saw him, and he didn't have time to steal anything, but in our hearts, we think it was him. When we confronted him after our neighbors told us of their suspicions (their daughter is also a heroin addict, but she's in recovery), he denied it adamantly. We didn't believe him and he was outraged that we didn't. These are just the last two incidents before he was arrested the last time.
I wonder if my son just has a criminal personality, or if the drugs have turned him into one. I don't know the answer to that, and it bothers me. Then again, most teens lie when they're in trouble, but that doesn't mean they'll turn into criminals. I guess I no longer know what's at the core of my son's heart, and this is extremely disturbing. Now when I think of my future, I just don't see him in it. As far as cutting him off, we always paid for his cell phone because we were afraid to leave him without a way to call for help, and we have continued to pay for his medical insurance. We paid for his car insurance while he had a car, which he claimed was stolen but we suspect he either abandoned or lent out for drugs. Yes, we did do our share of enabling, and still do to a certain degree since we send him a little money every week while he's in jail for phone cards and a little extra food (they don't feed inmates very well).
Sorry this is so long. But these stories are never simple.
Thank you all for your feedback.
Have a good weekend, moms.