Parents of Addicts Community Group

A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.

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taylor5609 03/05/2010

Since my daughter has been at her dad's house, for about three weeks now, I am just starting to feel a little like myself again (Just a little). Everyone is much more comfortable now that she is gone. I have avoided answering her calls because I have distance myself from her. I get depressed just seeing her number come up. Now she is blasting me with text messages saying I have washed my hands of her since she has been there and she has no one to talk to or "support" her. She wants to talk about coming off methadone. I just told her I'm not a doctor she needs to contact a program that will help her detox and rehabilitate. I told her the program would support her. I just don't have it in me anymore. I have been manipulated and made to feel guilty for way too long. Is that wrong of me?

BubblesDavey 03/05/2010

I understand totally. My son (alcoholic/mentally ill) complains he is lonely and trapped in his apartment. Thank God as I write this he still has an apartment. He is 41 yrs. old and doesn't do anything to help himself. I won't go on and on because it could upset me.
Please take care of yourself.

deleted_user 03/05/2010

I would be doing exactly what you are doing. Don't feel guilty.

deleted_user 03/05/2010

Everyone is right - don't feel guilty, your daughter is doing what all addicts try to do, control and manipulate you. Do what you need to do for you, she needs to get herself a support system, and talk to her methadone md., you can't help or answer the questions that she has on the methadone. Being a parent we cannot and should not be our addict kid's support system. We can love them, and listen when they need to talk, but not when it involves the psycho mumbo-jumbo babble bs. Stay strong and keep the faith, as this too shall pass. If you need to distance yourself from her, do just that, that doesn't mean you don't love or care for her, it means, that you don't want to be caught up in all the control and manipulation. Hugs

deleted_user 03/06/2010

It's great that you are standing up for yourself! This may be the key that can unlock the door of opportunity for her to hit bottom and seek the help that she needs! We're all behind you on this ya know! Good luck!

BubblesDavey 03/06/2010

I have to add this from our story. When I was emotionally spent and looked like I was ready to fall apart, our therapist said and these were her exact words to me, " You, you are done, you've done enough. "
No one else could have said those words to me and have such a powerful effect. So, as the above posts suggest, it appears, "You, you are done."
Lovingly posted.

deleted_user 03/06/2010

It takes a while to feel "good", but once I stood up and said, "That's it....I cannot and will not take any more", I began to feel better. After you start taking care of yourself, you begin to realize that there is a world out there where you are #1. I hope and pray for all of us that one day our children will look us in the eyes and say, "You saved my life - Thanks".

BubblesDavey 03/06/2010

Well said Sallyson.

mgs1 03/06/2010

They will surprise you and themselves. They might feel hopeless, helpless and unsupported. But the truth is, there is a lot of help out there. she just needs to figure it out. Attending AA, getting a sponsor, finding new friends and finding herself. Yes, you will always be her mother, but you cannot live her life for her. Neither can you rescue or protect her from herself. That, she needs to figure out on her own. if you have to, let her know "You" have hit your bottom and need to worry about yourself. Let her know you wish her well, she is a bright, smart and resourceful girl, she will make it just fine."
Stay Safe, Hugs!!

taylor5609 03/06/2010

You guys are the absolute BEST!!! I have never had so much support and UNDERSTANDING! My granddaughter and I went out this morning and got a hair cut (which I have needed for months), sat down somewhere and had lunch instead of rushing thru a drive-thru, and enjoyed this beautiful day. I know there is a long road ahead. But I can be happy and enjoy life in spite of my daughters addiction. Just pray that I can remain strong for me and my family. HUGS!!!!!

BubblesDavey 03/07/2010

I just have to add one of my favorite words: REGARDLESS

I can be happy REGARDLESS of what my son is doing or not doing.
I can enjoy my life REGARDLESS.
I can make choices for myself without obsessing over my son, regardless.

This word has helped me.

deleted_user 03/07/2010

BubbleDavey - I love your favorite word - regardless - how well said and true. Taylor - I am so glad that you were able to enjoy your day with your granddaughter and take time for you - something all us parents of addicts need to do, but alot of times tend to forget. You truly have come to a wonderful place here at DS with loving, caring, compasionate and most of all "been there, done that" parents, who like you has been to hell and back, with the absolute plus side of understanding, and relating to all your issues, problems, and stuggles. HUGSSSSS

deleted_user 03/08/2010

I love "YOU ARE DONE". And, "REGARDLESS". My counselor told me that my homework for this week was to be good to me. When the criticizm comes in my head, I stop and tell myself to be good to me. When I want to read for a while, I tell myself it's fine because I'm being good to me. If I don't want to be involved in the control and manipulation (per #1) and I say, "No!", I am being good to me. So, as you distance yourself, you are being good to you. Any one who knows anything will tell you to take better care of you. I couldn't even understand what they meant or what it looked like when I first began this trek. You are doing a good thing.

deleted_user 03/09/2010

taylor, when my daughter first left it was like 100 pounds off my shoulders. You can focus more on yourself and your life instead of worrying 24/7.
NEVER feel guilty. She is trying to control you, probably not getting the attention she is used too! Time for her to grow up and make better choices. ((hugs))

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