I also have a sassy 12 year old and have ended my marriage.

I understand the part about walking all over you. I permitted that from my STBX as well. Hard work on me has allowed for boundaries to be drawn.

Girls this age rebel, test boundaries, argue and in the process are often despicable and a real pain in the arse!

I can only share what I do with my own daughter. Sometimes works like a charm other times is not so successful.

When she is calm I talk to her about behaviour and how others respond to her behaviour.

I figure out what is non-compromisable and stick to those rules. I repeatedly tell her, my house my rules. When you are buying your own toilet paper you are in charge of you.

When her attitude is really bad she gets a warning. If I get to 3 she loses a privledge.

At 12 your daughter can stay home alone. Next time you have dinner plans or now explain to her what was unacceptable and tell her next time she won't go along. Then absolutely stick to that. She will cry say she is sorry won't fo it again and all sorts. My response back during that is "next time we go for dinner you will have a chance to demonstrate that. Tonight you stay home."

Two good books-how to talk to your kids so they will listen and listen so they will talk and the other how to hug a porcupine.

To say this is a difficult age is an understatement! It is so hard and I often feel completely inadequate. I generally surrender to a higher power and then am able to cope better!

I agree with Karen. My son is 11 and he's been testing the boundaries. I am different as I don't give warnings at all. The rules are quite clear, as they have had to follow most of the same ones for years. If there is any deviation from obedience then there is some kind of punishment. Punishment can vary because one week their currency might be one thing, and the next it might be another. Tonight they wanted to stay up and watch a movie with me, but they weren't using their manners today and it was off to bed early. The more you are on top of them, the easier it is. So if you aren't in the habit of enforcing rules, it will be difficult at first, but you will reap rewards quickly as soon as she sees you mean business. And the truth is, kids want to know you care, and this is a great way to show it. So no harm done in laying down the law!

i also have a 12 yr old daughter who is the same way but has adhd on top of it im definately gonna try some of this stuff again i tried and tried different things since she was 6 and nothing works she is on her 7 counsler now and i hope this one works she has abandonment issues from her bio dad whos denied her since birth til recently and my first husband who she knew as dad then she has the adhd and spina bifita, kidney disease, depression and she was mollested as was 4 other of my kids why we slept she was also conceived in rape she has been through alot so i kinda give in alot i know i probably shouldnt but she will be rude and make seens and some times i just dont want to deal with a bunch of strangers looking on at us and judging me on the way she acts she has told me to shut the f*ck up she has called me a b*tch she has punched me in the past shes gotten alot better and then my second husband ruined it by mollesting her and her younger syblings i put his arse in jail but he just needs to hang himself already even from jail hes been making are lifes hell for the last yr i truelly hate him i wish it was the old days and we could put him in that wood thing with arm and head holes and throw stones and tomatoes at him also hes allergic to salt so id like to pure a whole box down his throat hes also allergic to the smell of nail polish so when im done with that id like to sit down right in front of him and do my nails so he could breath in the pretty smell and if hes still alive after that the town people could either burn him at the steak or hang him thats how much i hate him i had my daughter to where she listened to me and used her manners and did what she was told when she was told and now shes acting out all this aggression bcus of what he did he deserves so much worse than 120yrs in prison he does he messed with the wrong family thats for sure he thinks were gonna back down and hell go free hes nuts and his parent are as crazy as him saying hes gonna get visitation with our son no judge in there right mind would allow that to us hes dead and thats exactly what i plan to tell my son if he ever ask he was 4 months when he was arrested so i dont think he will but if he does hell be told he died bcus i wont have him grow up thinking its genetic

i have a 12 year old daughter and my ex always took advantage of me and used me for his best interest. We have been divorced since December. I began dating and her dad has not so i am a horrible parent. She is sassy and EXPECTS everything her way. I feel horrible but sometimes i wish she was with her dad. I have a stressful job and I am never able to just shut down and relax. Then we have sports and school events on top. I am tired of making her happy and i want to to be happy. the more i do the less respect i get back . Here i am not sure what else to do.

I'm with WinterBlossom. They're old enough, they know the rules. Break them and you pay. Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's privileges and other times it's chores, but there's always a cost to poor behavior. I have little trouble with my 12 yo step son now, but when he first moved in with us at 8 yo, he was a mess and so was his brother who's now 10 yo. Being consistently firm with them is really the best way in my opinion.

Thank you for all your comments. I am trying to tighten the ropes on my daughter. Since I originally wrote my request for help, my daughter and I had a serious heart to heart. Where I told her that I would no longer put up with her actions. I gave her specific examples of re-precutions (?sp?) if things did not take a turn for the good. Mostly pertaining to her cell phone and internet. It's a work in progress.

She is so use to arguing / debating with me that she doesn't realize when she is doing it. Sonow I bring it to her attention in the mist of the argument/debate. She hangs her head w/ a smile and walks away. By pointing out when the debates begin, she is more aware of what is going on and understands that I will no longer be a part of it. Therefore, she stops. Since our heart to heart, she hasn't told me to "zip it" either, not even in play.

So, all in all. Things are starting to look up. Now if only I could get her to do her chores every day. I know, I know. Use the same technique.

@ eaglebabies81 - WOW!!! You seriously have a lot on your shoulders. I sure hope you have someone near by to assist you. If you ever want or need to talk. I'm here for you.

Well, my son is 9 and he is acting in ways I never thought he would, based upon his personality when he was younger, so in a way, I totally get what you are saying.

One thing I am trying when he acts pre-teenish, is to use it as leverage when HE wants something from me. LIke, "well I'd like to let you have a friend over, but, why should I give up my own plans to suit you when you won't even treat me with respect (or say excuse me, or fill in the blank)."

Maybe I'm a harda$$ but I don't do lots of favors for people who tell me to "zip it" and I would tell my kid that.

The burping thing ... I know it can be a habit that's hard to break even if one wants to, so I give my 9yo 10 chances to complete change it or I start charging $1 each time. sounds funny and we have made a game of it, but it is working. Each time he burps with mouth open and no excuse me, I add a number, and when I get to 10, he begins paying me. (We are at 9 and he just about has control of it now. ; )

One mom put it this way: when you talk down to me it zaps my energy and I can't drive you to the mall. sorry. repeat, repeat, repeat. (lol)