Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of tweens (9 to 11 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
my 12 year old son is very concerned that he is gay. he is in no way feminine, or appears to be the type you would think, girls love him, and he always seems to be into them. but he has a sexual experience with one of his friends. he told me about it, and he felt horrible about it. I told him that if he is gay, it is fine. but he says he is not. but the fact that he and his friend did this has him concerned, he is in no way in puberty yet. my son. no hair, nothing, still looks very young. he acts very silly around girls. is very athletic and great at sports. I feel if he is gay, and he knows this, it is ok, his father and i will love him just the same. but he is constantly worried about it. if he thinks a boy looks good or something, he worries and asks me if its normal. i know as a completely straight woman, i had homosexual experiences pre adolesence,, do guys do this stuff too. i just want to help him...
1) The definition of "sexual experience" varies greatly; in dealing with youth I have met some who think that a kiss qualifies as a sexual experience and then there are teens who claim that petting or oral sex is not a sexual experience because only one person's genitials were involved ... no need for you to elaborate, perhaps just be aware ... I even have peers at 40 years old who cannot stand to see a member of our group agree to rub another man's shoulders after a muscle strained from helping to move an old lady ... this is soooo subjective
2) Homosexual contact pre-teen is not very common for boys; however, there are a couple in every group who enjoy the feeling of being touched until they realize what went on ... they don't usually announce to the group what went on for fear (quite rightly so) that they will be branded as gay and mocked. These kids were not homosexual - there was no 'love' or intent to 'go steady' ... it was a pleasurable sensation that is akin to the exploration of playing doctor ... their sense of sexuality was not ready to make decisions. That said, if their sense of sexuality has not developed (which pre-teen never is) then they should be advised to stay away from sexually based activity, they will likely have some regret later (degree of regret depends on individual and other people's awareness).
Asking him if he wants to 'go steady' with this other boy should give you a good idea of where your son is at, as well as confirming to him what his orientation is.
My concern is that he is now one step closer to thinking that he can make serious sexual decisions while there is no way that he can be ready for such responsability. How do you feel about meeting with his school counsellor / principal just to get a more professional opinion? It will also give you the chance to know if the teachers notice any behavior that is too straight forward in public for a boy his age.
Good luck,
MickKay
Life style for him because it isles difficult. But we both would completely accept it if he was as long as he is happy. That's all the matters. I want him to be ok. It's just I keep sort of lying to him by saying. Don't worry it's all normal. Because he worries so
Much. He definitely is afraid to be gay.
Most healthy homosexuals that I have known - at any age - are very nice people. If the other boy is "not a very nice person" and is behaving sexually with peers at 12 years old then I would advise my own child to stay clear and discreetly tell a teacher at the boy's school that I have reason to be concerned for his development (in spite of lacking any solid proof). It would probably help the teachers to know whether your son felt pressured, bribed, or cornered ... or if it seemed like fun at the time ... but it's probably best for your son to move on and not keep bringing this up ... the same thing you would like him to do. I would bet money that he was led to feel peer pressure - which we all know should never be.
Since this experience has likely made you son more "aware", then you might choose to keep an eye open in the background for future behavior. This experience also opens up the opportunity for a quiet discussion on high-risk behaviour. Google search "adhd and high risk behavior" and give yourself a few days to process the information. Your son sounds intelligent, so awareness that people with ADHD do indeed act more impulsively and take greater risks than what is normal for their peers is significant and could help him to think twice in the future.
You're a great mother to have such a connection with your son. Pat yourself on the back!
Best wishes,
MickKay
MK said it well, "we all do things that we later wish we hadn't. " Amen!