Parenting 'Tweens (9-12) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of tweens (9 to 11 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
My 12 year old daughter hates our house. She says that she does not feel safe in our house. When there are storms, she makes me drive around no matter what time of day or night it is, just so she's not in the house. She has purposely locked herself out so that I would have to leave work to let her in. (I work an hour away). She refuses to do her chores because she's afraid. I have purchased a drive patrol monitor so she would know if someone was pulling in, that hasn't helped. We live on 3.5 acres of partially wooded lot. The trees tower the two story house. One day she says the wind scares her and another day she says that she just doesn't like the house. There is alway an excuse. This summer hasn't been too bad because her father has been working nights while I'm working days. That means, even tho he is sleeping, she's not home alone. Well, due to the rain this week, Daddy went to work for a triple shift. He left this morning and will not return until tomorrow night. She is petrified today. She has a head ache, a stomach ache etc. I told her that she needs to get over her fear and deal with it. I told her to crank up the radio and do what normal kids do when their parents aren't home. Just celan up the mess when she's done. Did I do the right thing or am I a horrible mother? I can't just sell my house, not in this economy. She is old enough to stay home instead of going to daycare. As for a day camp. What day camp? There is nothing for her age in our county, not that I would be able to get her to and from with my work schedule. What do I do? Please HELP!!!
It is time for her to grow up. I would suggest that you take her to see a doc to talk this out or sit her down and talk with her to find out what is really her troubles. If it is just the fact that she does not like the house or she is upset that you bought a house so far out, you need to let her know that what is done is done, you can not sell the house and just put your foot down.
My oldest boy is 10 and he started acting out becuase we moved around for a bit after we lost our house. I told him I was not putting up with it. He can talk to me about how he feels, but he will not disrupt our day to day life with fits.
I hope I do not seem unfeeling to you or others, I do wish you the best. and I hope things get better for you soon.
Sometimes kid can be more sensitive to this than adults. Do you think this is even a remote possibility?
I am a Christian, so I did a bit of research, and I quoted some scripture said some prayers, in a specific way, and got rid of the problem. There's more to the story, but if you want to discuss this, please send me an email here on DS OK?
No, haha, I am not crazy. I've just been through a lot and am a bit plugged in to things of this nature, like it or not, LOL.
The other thing I wonder is if something happened that she is just not telling you. I take it that you've asked her this, right?
Or it could be misplaced anxiety about something else maybe?
No, you're not a bad mom. Good moms try to get to the truth of things and it sounds like you're doing a good job.
Her thoughts are based on fear...which is a precursor to OCD. It is an anxiety thing...bottom line. I have huge amounts of adrenaline coursing though my body. I would talk to her about her fear. Find ways to normalize it all (a dr will help with this if you find you can't find ways to help.) It is all very individualized.
The only way to get rid of too much adrenaline (which is what is the precursor to anxiety) is to move big muscle groups or meds. Exercise will burn off the adrenaline. You might start walking and talking together. See if exercise helps calm her and helps her control her thoughts.
I do tend to agree that there is probably something going on. Since it really is interferring with your lives, you need to get to the bottom. It could be something ''simple'' like wanting more time with her parents or just not wanting to do her chores, more serious in that something bad has happened or it could be an emotional issue.
Good luck!
I am also curious to know how long this has been going on. Often kids with behaviors tend to have had something happen to them in the past, and then they become quite anxious. For example, my son is deathly afraid of storms and bad weather. Unfortunately we live in an area were we have quite severe summer storms. I traced it back to an evening when he was 4 years old, and we had a sudden tornado warning at night that took us into the basement late at night. He didn't seem to scared immediately afterwards, but I noticed his fears kept growing since then. It takes a lot to get it out, too. Even though he is 9 now, and starting to like weather, and learning about it (I am a storm chaser as a hobby!), he still is quite OCD about his fears and things surrounding storms. He religiously checks the weather forecasts mulitple times per day, if there's a storm he will bring down all his bedding, all his stuffed animals, all his legos, etc, downstairs until the watch/warning is over. And he can't stand to be without me when it hits. If he happens to be at his dad's house during a storm, he will call me frantically.
I will also second that I do believe in houses having "visitors". I know it's not widely accepted, but that's just how I am. I have seen/felt/heard too much to believe different. I could sit here for hours and tell you stories about that. Children are often much more sensitive to feeling the presence of these visitors as well. If you are spiritual or religious (or even if you aren't), you could have your house blessed. That is the only thing that took care of my "visitor". I know it sounds nuts. Believe me I do.
But it does sound like either she had some sort of bad experience, or perhaps something happened that she hasn't told anyone because she's scared. She obviously finds great comfort in not being alone. I too was scared of things as a child. I used to make my dad cover my tv because I had watched the movie "Poltergeist" (spelling?). I still get scared of the dark and I am in my 30's!
Have you asked her what it is that specifically scares her? You may want to see if she'll talk with a therapist or counselor to discuss things, as she obviously has some anxiety and behavior that could be helped by changing her thought pattern. It is easy to get caught up in anxiety and thus have it continue to get worse. Both my children tend to be quite anxious, so I understand your pain, believe me.
I hope you find some answers. Please let us know how she is doing. Try talking to her. I'm curious to know if she's been this way a long time, or if it started after a specific incident, etc.
Good luck to you and your daughter!
Two things that stand out is when you say that your daughter intentionally locks herself out and that sometimes she says that she just does not like it there.
Your daughter sounds either confused or manipulative (or both).
My first guess is that after several "time-ins" with her (chatting alone time), you will be able to list what it is that she does not like about living in that house. Take your time, spread it out over at least 2 or 3 conversations.
Being able to list what her ideal house (and surrounding neighbourhood) would be like should give you some common ground to continue your conversation about how to improve her overall emotional state - and it would create a stepping stone of trust and communication that the two of you could carry on into her teen years.
Just throwing this out there ... you work an hour away, probably closer to the city. If she is experiencing the "Green Acres" syndrome of wishing to have more contact with the city, then perhaps finding a home or youth group that would watch over her for the day would be a - costly, but perhaps valuable - solution. Whatever solution you find, it should come from your conversation.
Best wishes,
Mickay
I remember feeling this way when I was a preteen, and we lived right in the city. I would do anything not to be alone at home, and got into a bit of trouble with my afterschool activities!
Am i the only one that understands that she could be afraid of being alone on a large wooded property for hours?
How about a nice, big, furry dog?
My son suffers from Anxiety &for the longest time we didn't know it. Talk with her about what scares her, you might be surpised. I like the dog idea, big & furry something she feels will protect her. The headache & stomache could be real, my son gets miagrines when he worries alot or is upset.
And I agree you might have vistors, but she isn't telling you as most kids are scared to tell people about it.
Being in a heavily wooded area is not always fun, I grew up in a house dawrfed by trees & there were times I just didn't feel safe. There was nothing wrong, but I just got that feeling you get.
Does she have any friends close by that she could go visit while you are at work. Explain to the friends mom & she probably will be willing to help. Good Luck!
I don't think she's making your life difficult JUST to make your life difficult. There is something going on. Could be big, could be small.
I'm 32 and still hate beinging alone. At home, At work, out in the middle of the desert...... it's a fear o f "what if something happens, I have nobody to help me if I need it". I think a dog would be great. The knowlege that they can hear and smell and sense thing much better than us offer the comfort of them aleting us of danger long before it would become apparent to us.