Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.
Hi guys,
I'm sure you've seen this before: you tell your kid she can't do something, or she goes in timeout. She does it calmly anyway, then promptly walks over to her spot and sits in timeout and waits. I have changed the punishment to something she gets upset more about - a toy goes into timeout instead, etc. Other times, I've let it go.
One might argue that this is bad, for it shows lack of respect for consequences, and it means that timeouts don't work. Or, one might argue that this is good, as it clearly shows that the child understands the concept of cause and effect, and furthermore, of gain vs 'pain', and is capable of deciding what she's willing to sacrifice to get what she wants. It shows that timeouts do work. Bear in mind that a punishment that the child would be unwilling to undergo NO MATTER WHAT, is obviously too cruel, so the fact that for some things the child is OK with the time-out, doesn't mean it doesn't work'.
So, what do you guys think? If your child (2yo) pulled off a stunt like that, would you get angry or proud? Would you discourage such calculating misbehavior on their part, or ignore it?
P.S. And before I get comments on this, yes, we do use time-outs as punishment, not as an opportunity for her to calm down. She rarely needs to be calmed down, but occasionally needs to be physically separated from the scene of misbehavior. So we do what works.
I'm sure you've seen this before: you tell your kid she can't do something, or she goes in timeout. She does it calmly anyway, then promptly walks over to her spot and sits in timeout and waits. I have changed the punishment to something she gets upset more about - a toy goes into timeout instead, etc. Other times, I've let it go.
One might argue that this is bad, for it shows lack of respect for consequences, and it means that timeouts don't work. Or, one might argue that this is good, as it clearly shows that the child understands the concept of cause and effect, and furthermore, of gain vs 'pain', and is capable of deciding what she's willing to sacrifice to get what she wants. It shows that timeouts do work. Bear in mind that a punishment that the child would be unwilling to undergo NO MATTER WHAT, is obviously too cruel, so the fact that for some things the child is OK with the time-out, doesn't mean it doesn't work'.
So, what do you guys think? If your child (2yo) pulled off a stunt like that, would you get angry or proud? Would you discourage such calculating misbehavior on their part, or ignore it?
P.S. And before I get comments on this, yes, we do use time-outs as punishment, not as an opportunity for her to calm down. She rarely needs to be calmed down, but occasionally needs to be physically separated from the scene of misbehavior. So we do what works.
My son actually had this reaction when we first started time outs. He sat there, kicked his legs, and just looked around. It appeared to have no effect on him at all. Then for his birthday he got a train set. It so happened that the time out chair is in the same room as the train set. Now about 30 sec into his TO he'll see his train and go "choo choo" and I'll tell him "you can't play with your train until you are done with your time out. Remember you..." and I'll continue with what he did wrong. The not being able to get to his train set upset him, so time outs started to work.
I would also try to interrupt the task that she is getting in trouble for. Don't let her have the satisfaction of completing it before she goes into time out. Obviously this may be a little hard depending on what she is getting into trouble for. She might be getting smart enough that you need to explain why she can't do something too (although I'm sure you already are). How long is her time out? Maybe you need to make it a little longer (add a minute or so) to make it more punishing.
I agree with ignoring when she goes into time out herself, maybe those times, she gets a different punishment. I would frankly have to ignore it b/c I'd probably walk out of the room laughing in amazement and frustration.
On the one minute reprimands, as soon as you catch them doing something wrong you address it. You get close to them, look them in the face tell them what they did wrong and how it makes you feel. If it's something dangerous you can say you're worried or you're angry what ever you feel. Then you are quiet for a few seconds. Then you tell the child how much you love them and that they are a good person etc. As they get old older you can throw in the statement that they are better than the behavior they showed. (I remember this guilt trip from my mom so I guess she used some of the techniques ;-) ) The point is that you attack the behavior not the child.
There are no guidelines in the book as to ages, and this does seem difficult for a 2 year old to understand, but I thought I would throw it out there for you.
I am kind of glad that your answers are all over the place, as that's how I felt myself. It was thought-provoking for me to read all the answers.
hthomas, you mention interrupting the activity that leads to timeout. Well, a couple of times, my daughter would see me approaching, and hurry, hurry, hurry up to finish up, and escape right in front of me, and run to time out before I even say anything. It was just too funny. :))
Also, the second technique you mention sounds similar to what I call "less is more". The fewer words, the more effective. Just go ahead and use it on your child, of course they're ready. You might have to adjust the language, but the kids get the point. Even at 15 months, they get the tone.
My daughter's behavior is that now she'll walk over and stay in time-out on her own if we tell her to. On average, I let it be. When she deserves extra punishment, I hold her in timeout, cause she hates that. It's working out fine. The "crime and punishment" techniques we're still developing, but her overall behavior is great.