Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.
I am not actually a parent, but a former babysitter. I didn't know where else to post this, and I do want to be a parent in the future so I am looking for help. I am dealing with pretty crippling guilt.
Back when I was 12-13 I would babysit my old violin teacher's two rowdy boys! I loved those kids and they loved me- we got along great. We had so many fun games we would play and we just generally had a blast. As they got older, they got a bit more out of control (one of them was 2-3 and the other was 3-4).
Like, more than a bit.
It got to a point where the mom would literally give me permission to spank them, and I wasn't terribly fond of that approach so I went with timeouts. If I took my eyes off one of the children for even half a second, they be gone from their timeout chair, running around screaming and getting into anything they possibly could. (It was concerning. Sometimes they would grab dangerous things and I was definitely very busy with these two.)
The worst was bedtime. They would scream and scream, laugh and play games, refuse to stay in bed.
Now to the guilt factor (each of these things only happened around once or twice):
-I would get incredibly frustrated with them, to the point where I'd be so lost on what to that I'd break down crying, or raise my voice at them.
-Sometimes when they were supposed to be in bed I would have to physically drag them there and sometimes I definitely gripped them harder than I should've/was too rough.
-I felt terrible in the moment and feel like crying just thinking about it (this was some 5 years ago and I've improved alot with frustration management and such since then)
-Sometimes I was so frustrated that I would spank them- never ever very hard of course. But I'm sure it was scary for them :(
I know for a fact that I should've talked to the parents about it, and I probably should've quit. But I never said anything, except the occasional, "oh, it was a little tough today but there was fun parts too!"
My guilt is killing me, guys. I feel like a horrible person. Did I traumatize these kids? Am I awful? I just don't know how to move forward. Someday I want kids of my own, but then I imagine myself raising my voice at the little ones I watched, taking their arm and dragging them to bed, and I feel like I don't deserve that right.
I know I was a stupid 12-year-old kid. I know I messed up and I always hear people saying to learn from your mistakes, which I have, but I still cannot forgive myself for any of it.
