Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.

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kris10g 02/26/2013

After 3 years of infertility, my husband and I had twins via In-vitro fertilization. We have a six year old son, and a miraculous pregnancy with my due date coming in April. Our family feels complete and we don't plan on having anymore kids.

Has anyone else had a difficult time getting rid of baby stuff? My husband's sister has a 6 year old boy, a husband who has been deported and has a 10 year ban from entering the U.S., and she is living with her parents being supported by them and the government. Over the holidays, she and her son visited her husband for 6 weeks. She went there with the intention of getting pregnant and she did just that! It's so frustrating that she has the mindset that she can just go and get pregnant because the government will pay for it. Now she thinks that she is entitled to all my baby stuff! She doesn't take care of anything and I know anything I give to her will be trashed. She keeps making the comment that if it's a girl, she's going to have to get my baby girl clothes. Her mom has offered to pay us for the clothes, but I just don't know if I am ready to get rid of my baby clothes.

Does that sound weird since I know that I am done having kids? I feel like they just think they are entitled to my stuff, and I appreciate that they are willing to buy the clothes, I just hate that I feel like they are forcing this on me. Maybe it's the fact that I struggled with infertility for so long or that I only have the one daughter (the other 3 are boys) and I just can't stand the thought of giving them something that won't be taken care of. My mom has also made it clear that anything she bought, she would like to keep and save for her other grand kids.

Am I being selfish? I personally think that my sister-in-law has no business having more kids when she can't take care of them financially. Why should my husband and I supply everything for her? We are still recovering from the cost of IVF, we're about to have 3 kids in diapers, and we pay for our own medical insurance and food, unlike her.

Any advice on the nicest way I can politely say no? Is it weird that I'm just not ready to get rid of my stuff, especially my baby girl clothes? I know I will do it someday, but I want it to be on my own time. Then again, it's just stuff, is it worth potentially harming my relationship with my in-laws? I feel so selfish thinking about it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

deleted_user 02/26/2013

I would just say that you are not ready to part with the baby girl clothes yet. Perhaps you could save a few of your really beloved outfits (you can also use some of the clothes for dressing baby dolls) and then you could also use some to make a quilt (or have someone make it for you) out of clothes your daughter wore.

You are not being selfish. Sometimes it just takes us awhile to be able to let go of material things.

deleted_user 02/27/2013

You are not selfish at all! I would never give anyone clothes or toys to someone who would not take care of them. I had a friend who told me this "oh we both have girls! I can just use yours! Umm no I am not giving them away. I have had to work hard for everything I have. You can politely say, we are not ready to give up these cloths. Or if you want, give them to a charity for truly less fortunate mothers who are in need (like their home burnt down or left an abusive situation( I left one) etc) I ended up giving all mine to the Women in Need. I volunteered there and felt so sad for some of these families, at least I can do this small thing!

kris10g 02/27/2013

I don't know why I am so bothered by this. They are just material items. Thanks for the advice! I love the idea of giving them to charity for people who truly need them. I'm going to hang on to some of my favorite outfits and maybe I will look into donating them when I am ready. If I do it on my own time and for a good cause, I think that will make parting with my baby things easier.

deleted_user 03/01/2013

I had the hardest time letting go! I recently got rid of all my baby stuff from newborn to size 2.. You could actually say I was hoarding them. They took up a lot of space. I am glad to know that they went to someone who could use them. I know what its like not to have something.

theletter12 03/04/2013

Maybe you could offer the clothing that doesn't mean much to you - the stuff you didn't really care for? I know I only kept a few outfits that meant something to me... first day home outfit, first picture, Christmas etc. You did say they were willing to pay you for them... which is nice. Maybe just select a few that way you are meeting them partway and you wont' damage your relationship. Do the same with other baby items - only the things you care the least about. I have a SIL and MIL who I often feel I should just GIVE my DD's clothing to my SIL's youngest child - but she is a SAHM because her husband makes a lot more money than my husband and I - and I need to sell my DD's clothing to afford new clothing... family can be awkward. Hope all goes well!

roseBud23 03/05/2013

There could be a delicate balance here. Go through all the clothes and things and put a pile aside of clothes you wouldn't mind letting go, ones that don't have that much sentimental value to them as the others. I agree you shouldn't have this decision forced on you, the fact of the matter is however you will be helping someone less fortunate than you. I personally have given a lot of my daughter's clothes to relatives but have kept the ones that mean the most to me and can't see myself parting with. It is okay as well to keep it and have something to show your daughter when she's grown and reminisce about how she was like as a baby, it'll be a great bonding experience.

Just give it a chance to go through it and see if there is anything you wouldn't mind giving away. Just look at it like you're just giving it to the baby, not the baby's mother. It's not the baby's fault and you'll be giving her the gift of having something nice to wear.

Good luck with your decision. God bless

cherie9 03/13/2013

This is going to sound harsh, but her decision to have a baby was her decision, her body, whether she can pay for it or not. What if she passed judgement on you for your fertility treatments?
The clothes are yours, your decision, the other posters have some great ideas and you are in no way obligated to give or sell her any of it. But should you decide to give/sell some of it to her and she does not take care of it, we'll, a gift is a gift and no longer your concern. Let it go.

kris10g 03/17/2013

I just want to scream! My mother-in-law came to my house yesterday to watch our kids while my husband and I went to my 36 week checkup. According to my 6 year old, Nana went down to our basement and was going through our baby stuff in our storage room. I asked my son what she was looking for and he said my daughter's baby clothes. She didn't find them luckily, but it's like she is staking claim on all our baby stuff.

I don't go to her house and snoop through her stuff. I don't understand why she thinks it's okay to search through ours! I'm glad I at least locked our bedroom door. She is so nosey.

cherie9 03/19/2013

Ouch. That's going waaaay too far, IMO.

MrsS42603 03/20/2013

I think that your MIL snooping around your house looking for baby stuff is absolutely unacceptable. It sounds like it might be time for you and your husband to have a discussion with your MIL and set some boundaries. Not only is it rude that she was snooping, it's not really cool that she left your children (whom she was responsible for at that time) unsupervised while she went looking for stuff. That would not sit well with me at all. Just because your SIL is family, doesn't mean she's entitled to your baby stuff once you no longer need it and your MIL and SIL both need to get this through their heads. I am sorry that you have to deal with such ridiculousness.
When I was pregnant with my first baby, I had people practically throwing their unneeded baby stuff at us...in fact, my sister came to the hospital with two grocery bags filled with baby girl clothes for my daughter to wear. I kept and used a lot of the stuff, but there were some things that I got rid of. I never expected anything from anyone and I appreciated everyone's generosity, but I think the people who gave me used stuff were just happy to get rid of their stuff! That's sort of how I feel now that I've been trying to get rid of our baby stuff. I sold some stuff in a rummage sale last summer but I have also given a decent chunk of stuff away to different people. I will probably still try to sell some of the clothes...it would be very easy to donate it all to a thrift shop or something, but I know that I spent a decent amount of money on kids' clothes over the years and it would be nice to get at least a little return on my investment.

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