Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.

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rockym 09/25/2012

My son's high school had Freshman communication night at the school last week. Freshman students and their parents met in the cafeteria, heard a couple of speakers, then broke up into groups with one teacher, some parents and some students. You couldn't be in the same group as your spouse or child so you could be more free to open up to discussion. I really liked this and thought it was a great idea.The reason for my post-2 of the moms in my group seemed to be so extremely overprotective of their sons (this is an all boys school). Their kids didn't get a cell phone until this past summer, okay-that's fine but a little weird in this day and age. But neither boy was allowed to delete any texts and they had to hand their cell phones over to their parents at the end of each night and their parents went through every single text, they do the same with their computers and internet. They don't even let them see PG13 movies unless they see them first and approve. I totally get that parents should check up on their children and have some say in what they see, but to be as thorough as these 2 parents is so extremely horrid to me. At some point you have to let your kid know you trust them, don't you? At some point in time the child has to have the opportunity to screw up so they can learn from it, right? It just seems to me that these ladies are scaring their sons from life. When I mentioned that my son was always busy or hanging out with friends, both of these ladies looked at me and asked how he made friends and how did he have so much socializing when their sons had not made one friend close enough to hang out with or text. Of course I didn't tell them my thoughts on them smothering the hell out of them, but I think it has a lot to do with it. My parenting is totally on the other end of the spectrum, I trust my kids until they do something to break that trust, so I may be in the dark a bit, but monitoring their texts, internet and social networks doesn't make sense to me since anyone can get a free email account therefore they can create a decoy account and have the 'real' one out there that I am not even aware of. I'm not saying my way is the best way, I may be a bit too laid back. I am very interested in what other parents think about this.

lexisgirl 09/25/2012

In my opinion....those mothers are weird. How do they know their kids didn't delete a text? I am with you, I trust my son until otherwise noted. That said, he must provide me passwords to both his laptop and cell phone and knows I have the right to check it whenever I want. those checks are unexpected and unannounced. I used to do it pretty regular but I never found anything much so I do it every few months. I have found that I can trust him and everything is fine.

I believe if you smother your kids, they will rebel. I was a kid that knows he can talk to me and visa versa.

laurap1980 09/26/2012

I am more of a middle ground parent, and I completely agree with you....those mom's are raising completely dependant sheltered kids. Imagine when they go away to college, they will have no ability to judge things on their own. That could get ugly. My daughter has rules, a lot like lexisgirl described. She is a sr. in high school, and has yet to do anything to make me mistrust her. We talk, I know where she is and who she is with all the time, but I allow her some privacy, and I think my trusting her helps her to trust herself.

I am definitely not a helicopter parent, even with my little ones. Did anyone else read the story about the kids (6 & 9) who were outside playing in front of their house in a culdesac and the neighbor called the police and the mother was arrested?!? That was so ridiculous. I can't imagine a childhood where I couldn't play outside without constant supervision...how would you learn to be creative or problem solve, etc. Just my honest opinion!

hotmom1 09/28/2012

I give my boys a fair bit of freedom. I respect their privacy and don't look at their phones. I do check up on the computer occasionally, but just so I'm being responsible. I think that unless you have a reason to suspect something like previous issues or you notice your kids acting differently from usual, you need to show trust. They are allowed to make mistakes, that's how they learn and grow.

goodtotalk 09/29/2012

I agree that is over the top. My son is 13. He has a phone, a Facebook, and a laptop. I have recently put parental controls on the laptop because he was looking at inappropriate for a kid things. As far as the phone and Facebook, just like lexi said I check it randomly and unannounced/unexpected. Sometimes hr doesn't even know because ill do it after he's gone to bed. I really have never found anything that would cause me to smother him like that. He knows I trust him and I truly do. They need to learn to use their own judgement at some point. And you don't want to wait too long for them to learn how. After all we all have learned from our own mistakes right

barb429 10/03/2012

I had a very good friend who was this way with her daughter. Everything was monitored, her music, what she read, who she spoke with. She really thought she was doing the right thing, even bragged about it somewhat. Unfortunately, all this accomplished was turning her daughter into a huge sneak. The girl knew excactly what to say, and how to act around adults,how to erase history on internet, how to delete texts. She actually had a prepaid phone hidden that her parents didnt know about. but..............They didnt find out till they got a call from the cops in the middle of the night. she had snuck out and got caught, then they found out all the other things she had been doing. She really learned the 'system'. Basically all this girl wanted was to fit in but she simply wasnt allowed. She was 17 then. Her parents were devistated and shocked. But honestly, they had such unrealistic expectations of her. Had they given her a little freedom and trust I'm sure she would not have rebelled.
I am a middle of the road mom. My youngest is 18 now. You just have to know your kid, and know what to expect. We are a little more strict with him simply because he tends to be a follower and is easily influenced. Some of his friends simply have no rules. That makes it harder. But he respects our choices and does his best to earn trust. He's not perfect, but he knows he is not expected to be.

deleted_user 10/05/2012

I do not have sons...I have three daughters. I give them some freedom...not total freedom, but I let them go to their friends' houses, movies, etc. Each child is different. My oldest thought she did not have enough freedom...she wanted to do what she wanted, when she wanted, and how she wanted. My middle child would rather have her friends over instead of going to their houses. She is content staying home. My youngest...she likes to go to her friends' houses, or have them over. She just likes to be with people. She does not care if she goes somewhere, or people come over. She just likes people. I trust them until they do something that would have me not trust them.

I think if you shelter your children and do not let them have some space for doing stuff with friends, they will not do well when it is time to move out on their own. I do not think smothering the children and not letting them have some type of freedom is a good thing. I think it is actually one of the worst things that you can do to your children. I think you have to give them some freedom. They have to learn from mistakes in order to grow up into a well-rounded adult.

My daughters (except the youngest) have cell phones. They can basically call or text who they want to. My oldest does not live at the house , so I do not check her messages. I do check the contacts on my middle child's phone just to know she is not talking to people she should not be talking to.

All three of them have Facebook. I am their friend on there, as are many of their friends' parents and my friends. As far as monitoring that, I do have their email and passwords, but only use that if I see something that I think I need to check closer. I do check their page to see what has been posted and commented. I do not check their messages.

blue3rose 10/22/2012

In just a couple o months god help me all o my kids r gonna b 12 and up.

N i will say this i think that i am a pretty lienient parent. My daughter has accts on the computer and i allow her 2 use my phone. No she doesnt have her own phone nemore! But the deal is that shes not allowed 2 delete nething off that shes texts and shes 2 stay in a public area in the house while she uses the phone. Now im sure that some would say thats not lienient at all. But i think it is considering just earlier this yr i had a policeman call me from across the US 2 tell me that my daughter sent some boy there a nude pic o her and they were gonna do all they could 2 put this boy in jail. n if she lived there i was told shed b brought up on charges 2.

So there a big trust issue that shes workin on repairing, but its not fixed yet.

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