Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.

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chester630 12/31/2014

I am unsure of how to handle my current situation. My son is 16.5 years old an honors student and is most of the time easy to talk to and helpful. However, I know that he smokes pot, he has openly told me this and will harp on me until I let him go to his friends houses (he does not drive yet) and when I go pick him up he is obviously out of it. I have explained to him that its not appropriate for him to be in this state when I pick him up, and that I will not help or approve of him going back to that friends house if he is in that state the next time. He tells me its not his friends that are the problem he is in control of his own actions, and he tells me I can not stop him from doing what he wants. I have indicated that if he doesn't act responsibly I will not help him get a car in the spring as I don't want to worry about him being wrapped around a tree or harming someone else.

My concerns are - how do I know that is all he is doing? I'm somewhat biased as I have a 21 year old that is a recovering opioid addict, and punishments by me seem weak and inconsequential. It seems now he would need consequences at a higher level but does anyone else have punishments that work? I have taken away his internet when he is having outbursts or periods of absolute disrespect.

I try to be careful because I don't want him moving to his dads where I will have no say and there will be no rules. This is what happened with my older son.

Any advice would be helpful.

lexisgirl 01/01/2015

Trying to control a teen is like trying to herd cats. My son will be 18 in just a few short weeks. He has not done drugs (as far as I know) so I have not had to deal with that but he doesn't have spurts of depression which are pretty ugly to deal with.

I got him into a good counselor that deals with troubled teens. It took us a few tries and luckily, he was open to the idea of counseling so that helped.

Don't give up and try to keep communication open. I would not be driving him to his friends house. I also wouldn't consider giving him a car if you suspect he will drive incapacitated. It is just too dangerous and you are responsible until they are adults.

mere2 01/04/2015

My son does not go anywhere or do anything with friends outside of school these days and sometimes that makes me sad but when he was he was smoking pot too, recently he came home from school high after someone gave him adderall on the bus. i made him start seeing a drug counselor and I drug test him, have been testing him since the pot incident only now I have to buy the more expensive test that tests for a bunch of stuff. I have grounded him from the Internet and taken his stuff away to punish him but I don't think that really works. I feel like he just stays in now because he thinks I have to many rules when he goes out. And I probably do but I feel like that is what I have to do with him. I gave him an inch and took 10 miles. Just keep trying to do the best you can. We will all get through this eventually and it will be a distant memory.

chester630 01/05/2015

It may be that he is staying home because he is making the right choices. My sister kept saying that about my nephew who used to hang around a lot in town and then he started staying home completely. She was feeling sad, and then I told her that it was probably because my nephew was just trying to stay away from bullies, pressure, bad influences - my son and her son are buddies and my son told me this.

It seemed to have appeased my son that I will not be dropping him off anywhere I detect he's coming back under the influence of pot...so far so good the rest of the week.

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