Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
After a long conversation yesterday via telephone with the therapist, it was decided that just my husband and I should go to today's appointment. I brought all the 'evidence'. I forwarded as many of his text messages to my cell, so then I could transcribe them & have documentation. I've been keeping track of how much money has been in his room, etc. It was an excellent session---hard---but productive.
His "take" on the situation & his suggestions:
Obviously, my son is headed in the wrong direction & making dangerous decisions that will effect the rest of his life. (And of course, I know that it's illegal. He advised against getting my husband's friend involved--who is a detective with the town police & my son doesn't know him at all. Therapist said that right now, this matter first and foremost has to be addressed by me.) And the time to step in & UP is now. I am to gather any paraphenalia that I find, the copy of the texts,etc. & put it all in the middle of the dining room table. I am to confront him. Not my husband or even my ex-husband (his view on the whole thing is slightly skewed anyway). Start with, "This is NOT acceptable." Therapist feels that it is very important for my son to see my anger, sadness, fear, frustration, rage, concern & love. I am to tell him that he has X amount of time to cut it out---ALL OF IT. He will not be able to "hang out" with friends after school anymore, his cell phone will be shut off & the laptop is gone. (A cell & a personal laptop are priveleges anyway...they certainly aren't rights.) If he can't do all of this then that will indicate that he's incapable of making sound choices right now. So I will need to make a big one for him. And that means he will go to rehab. If he walks out of rehab, he can't come back home. (Gulp, that's a tough one.)
I have the option of waiting until Monday & doing this at the next therapy appointment. I don't know what to do.
His "take" on the situation & his suggestions:
Obviously, my son is headed in the wrong direction & making dangerous decisions that will effect the rest of his life. (And of course, I know that it's illegal. He advised against getting my husband's friend involved--who is a detective with the town police & my son doesn't know him at all. Therapist said that right now, this matter first and foremost has to be addressed by me.) And the time to step in & UP is now. I am to gather any paraphenalia that I find, the copy of the texts,etc. & put it all in the middle of the dining room table. I am to confront him. Not my husband or even my ex-husband (his view on the whole thing is slightly skewed anyway). Start with, "This is NOT acceptable." Therapist feels that it is very important for my son to see my anger, sadness, fear, frustration, rage, concern & love. I am to tell him that he has X amount of time to cut it out---ALL OF IT. He will not be able to "hang out" with friends after school anymore, his cell phone will be shut off & the laptop is gone. (A cell & a personal laptop are priveleges anyway...they certainly aren't rights.) If he can't do all of this then that will indicate that he's incapable of making sound choices right now. So I will need to make a big one for him. And that means he will go to rehab. If he walks out of rehab, he can't come back home. (Gulp, that's a tough one.)
I have the option of waiting until Monday & doing this at the next therapy appointment. I don't know what to do.
He is lucky to have a mom with the courage to do whatever it takes to keep him on the right track.
I can only advise that you get him to think through his future given the path he is on. Maybe gather some life stories of peopel who went either way - stopped and led productive lives, or didn't stop and kept on dropping lower and lower.
I agree with not getting the police involved. He is nearly old enough to get into real, permanent trouble.
I think all it takes is someone who cares to talk to you about it. If he is addicted, then rehab is the way to go...but that might not be the case. Getting away from the people and the drugs that are influencing him negatively is the first step and probably the hardest.
You are a strong woman and doing the right thing. I would do it sooner than later so you can start the path to feeling better.
Changing friends for kids is not easy but can make such a HUGE difference. In the 7th grade my son was heading down the wrong path with the wrong friends. Individually the kids were okay, put them together and something just went wrong. I pulled him out of his school and sent him elsewhere. His grades went up, his personality was pleasant again, he realized he was smart and thought about his future, all the opposite of what he had been like. It didn't happen over night and there were lots of fights but I hung tough and a year later he thanked me. I know 7th grade is much different that 17 but my long winded point is sometimes kids can't get away from the group they're with, a punishment of no hanging out with XY or Z can be the answer that he didn't even know he wanted.
Good luck,
suera
My ex-husband was supportive on the phone with me prior to the "confrontation". And he echoed my words to our son after the confrontation--he called him later. So I was totally thrown for a loop when I got back on the phone with him and he ripped into me about something that shouldn't even be in the line of sight right now. (Our son getting a job.) I told him that we need to take things one step at a time. My son needs to prove that he can change his behavior and make better choices---for a consistent period of time. Then, maybe, we can re-visit the job idea. He had me so rattled when I hung up I was shaking.
I should have listened to the therapist. His words were, "You know what? You are raising your son right now, you are living with this daily. Your son self-admittedly said that his relationship with his father is tenuous at best. Your ex didn't want to be a part of it when you first brought this issue to his attention. So perhaps you don't need to burden yourself with his sh*t on the same day that you confront your son." Ah well.....
Now I need to try and find a TEEN support group. The AA & NA groups around our area are not appropriate & the outpatient teen clinic is horrible. And during this time period, I 'd like him to have some support in addition to the therapist. Any ideas? (I DID IT! WHEW!)
Congrats on getting the ball rolling.
Stick to your guns. Your son needs to see that consistency from you now more than ever. And, do not let your ex rattle you. You are the one taking care of business, so his opinion and approval are not needed.
If your son is interested in having a job, it may be a good idea to allow him to get one - and then keep an eye on his behavior...meaning - if he can handle his business, he gets to keep the job. Having that time filler and money generator may be just what he needs now.
Hugs~
As far as a support group, is there a church near you, or a rec center with a group, or an exercise or music group, or can he volunteer helping little kids?
Here's hoping for continued strength in the days ahead.