Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
Now up to 6 support groups. After dealing with my granddaughter today, I figured I needed this one as well!
I am single grandparenting a 12.5 yr old granddaughter and 9 yr old grandson. The last couple of months has been a challenge. My gd's brain has definitely changed. She has been more impulsive, irritable and deceitful. Since this is my second go round with tweens and teens I am somewhat skillfull in not being drawn in, but needed some help, so bought a book called "Getting to Calm...Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Teens & Tweens". It's a great book and details the physiological changes that causes the psychological changes in this age group. Mostly, it reminds me to stay calm, be in control and be the adult.
CALM is an acronym for the steps to follow in using the technique.
I sure needed that technique today. My gd argued with me all day. She is already grounded from texting and phone as she is missing homework assignments and the rule is: You do your job (schoolwork) and you get your privileges. She isn't happy with that, but it's the rule. Without me knowing it, she stayed up drawing until after 2am last night when I checked on her. Today, she argued about everything. She went to the last middle school dance on Friday and agreed to wash the cars to pay back the purchase of glow in the dark paint for that event. She said no, she wasn't going to do that today. She ended up washing the car, but was grouchy the entire time, not answering my questions and then getting angry when I asked again.
Many instances of that today. Was cooking her dinner and wasn't going to include her brother in sharing what was cooked. She put her food in the toaster oven without preheating, so took it out and she grabbed for it. Had to push her hand away to keep from spilling it. She ASSUMED something different...a very common action lately.
I didn't want to be around that behavior so sent her to her room while the food was cooking. She ate at the table and asked me what I would do if she ran away. I told her I would call the police and report her missing. Had a 10 minute conversation about that and she told me she wanted to have more freedom to walk and bike when ever and where ever she wanted. We live in a very rural area with winding, narrow roads, so will not let her ride her bike, but told her I would allow her to ride her bike in one of the neighborhoods where some of her friends live IF she did an online bike safety course. She hasn't done it. She won't invite her friends over or even call them, but wants to ride to their houses.
So I asked her more about it. I asked her to sit down and talk to me about what she would like to do if there were no limits. She told me she wants the freedom to go visit her friends or go to the store though each of those requires a 4 mile trip. Since she can't ride her bike, she would need to walk. We talked about how long that would take round trip. She talked about wanting some independence.
She laughed at something and I asked her why she laughed. She said she does that when she is depressed. I hugged her and she started crying. She then told me she felt depressed. The grandkids have lived here for the past 2.5 yrs We haven't heard from her mom in 2 months...Her dad now visits 4 hrs every other weekend after not seeing or hearing from him in 3 yrs. She says he acts more like a friend than a dad. And their grandfather, my husband, is not around anymore as I have a restraining order on him due to verbal abuse and 2 physical abuse events last Nov and Jan. We have had lots of loss. So we talked about our feelings and all the things we've been going through.
So we talked. She said she thought I hated her. I told her I love her with all my heart and will NEVER leave her. She might think I am mean for having rules and making sure they are followed. No matter her friends parents aren't as strict as I am. I told her I want the logical consequences of her behavior to happen now while she is still protected by me as learning those consequences at age 25 or 30 may have dire results. She then told me she left the house one night while I was out of town and her uncle was here and rode her bike 3.5 miles to her friend's house..at midnight. Sigh... She said she did that twice. We talked about the dangers and I told her she absolutely scares me.
We talked about why she needed to do that. She said she needed to talk with her best friend and she had been grounded from texting and phone calls and not allowed to call her friends after 9pm on school nights. We talked about how dangerous that was. How I understand it helps to talk with someone when feeling down. She used to call us when she lived with her mom. Her mom locked her bedroom door so she wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night and wake up her mom. We didn't know this until after the kids were living with us. Now her grandpa is gone and her grandma is her new parent, so doesn't have the ability to do what has always helped her...talk when she is feeling down. I told her I totally understood her need for that. I showed her the support groups I have joined. We all need support.
So we negotiated. She still has to get her schoolwork done or she loses her privileges. That's the rules. There are only 3 days of school left so no late phone calls, but summer starts really soon. So, we negotiated the stop time for summer. I asked her what time she thought was best and she said 11pm. I said OK. That's reasonable. I told her she will be doing homework in summer as they did last years, so her brain doesn't atrophy. The rules will be the same. Get the work done and you get your privileges. She agreed.
Then we hugged, I found her a sleep timer app that will turn off the music on her phone from Spotify that she listens to when she goes to bed. We tested that to make sure it works and agreed on an hour as the time it will turn the music off.
She was smiling when she went to bed. I told her parents have to adjust to their kids getting older so asked her to be patient if it takes me a bit more time to realize she needs some more independence. I showed her the Getting to Calm book and told her I was getting help to figure it all out.
Today we're good. Tomorrow is a crapshoot....she's a tween. I have a little more than 2 years and then my grandson will be a tween and granddaughter a full fledged teen. I hope I survive!! Thanks for being her to help make that happen.
I am single grandparenting a 12.5 yr old granddaughter and 9 yr old grandson. The last couple of months has been a challenge. My gd's brain has definitely changed. She has been more impulsive, irritable and deceitful. Since this is my second go round with tweens and teens I am somewhat skillfull in not being drawn in, but needed some help, so bought a book called "Getting to Calm...Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Teens & Tweens". It's a great book and details the physiological changes that causes the psychological changes in this age group. Mostly, it reminds me to stay calm, be in control and be the adult.
CALM is an acronym for the steps to follow in using the technique.
I sure needed that technique today. My gd argued with me all day. She is already grounded from texting and phone as she is missing homework assignments and the rule is: You do your job (schoolwork) and you get your privileges. She isn't happy with that, but it's the rule. Without me knowing it, she stayed up drawing until after 2am last night when I checked on her. Today, she argued about everything. She went to the last middle school dance on Friday and agreed to wash the cars to pay back the purchase of glow in the dark paint for that event. She said no, she wasn't going to do that today. She ended up washing the car, but was grouchy the entire time, not answering my questions and then getting angry when I asked again.
Many instances of that today. Was cooking her dinner and wasn't going to include her brother in sharing what was cooked. She put her food in the toaster oven without preheating, so took it out and she grabbed for it. Had to push her hand away to keep from spilling it. She ASSUMED something different...a very common action lately.
I didn't want to be around that behavior so sent her to her room while the food was cooking. She ate at the table and asked me what I would do if she ran away. I told her I would call the police and report her missing. Had a 10 minute conversation about that and she told me she wanted to have more freedom to walk and bike when ever and where ever she wanted. We live in a very rural area with winding, narrow roads, so will not let her ride her bike, but told her I would allow her to ride her bike in one of the neighborhoods where some of her friends live IF she did an online bike safety course. She hasn't done it. She won't invite her friends over or even call them, but wants to ride to their houses.
So I asked her more about it. I asked her to sit down and talk to me about what she would like to do if there were no limits. She told me she wants the freedom to go visit her friends or go to the store though each of those requires a 4 mile trip. Since she can't ride her bike, she would need to walk. We talked about how long that would take round trip. She talked about wanting some independence.
She laughed at something and I asked her why she laughed. She said she does that when she is depressed. I hugged her and she started crying. She then told me she felt depressed. The grandkids have lived here for the past 2.5 yrs We haven't heard from her mom in 2 months...Her dad now visits 4 hrs every other weekend after not seeing or hearing from him in 3 yrs. She says he acts more like a friend than a dad. And their grandfather, my husband, is not around anymore as I have a restraining order on him due to verbal abuse and 2 physical abuse events last Nov and Jan. We have had lots of loss. So we talked about our feelings and all the things we've been going through.
So we talked. She said she thought I hated her. I told her I love her with all my heart and will NEVER leave her. She might think I am mean for having rules and making sure they are followed. No matter her friends parents aren't as strict as I am. I told her I want the logical consequences of her behavior to happen now while she is still protected by me as learning those consequences at age 25 or 30 may have dire results. She then told me she left the house one night while I was out of town and her uncle was here and rode her bike 3.5 miles to her friend's house..at midnight. Sigh... She said she did that twice. We talked about the dangers and I told her she absolutely scares me.
We talked about why she needed to do that. She said she needed to talk with her best friend and she had been grounded from texting and phone calls and not allowed to call her friends after 9pm on school nights. We talked about how dangerous that was. How I understand it helps to talk with someone when feeling down. She used to call us when she lived with her mom. Her mom locked her bedroom door so she wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night and wake up her mom. We didn't know this until after the kids were living with us. Now her grandpa is gone and her grandma is her new parent, so doesn't have the ability to do what has always helped her...talk when she is feeling down. I told her I totally understood her need for that. I showed her the support groups I have joined. We all need support.
So we negotiated. She still has to get her schoolwork done or she loses her privileges. That's the rules. There are only 3 days of school left so no late phone calls, but summer starts really soon. So, we negotiated the stop time for summer. I asked her what time she thought was best and she said 11pm. I said OK. That's reasonable. I told her she will be doing homework in summer as they did last years, so her brain doesn't atrophy. The rules will be the same. Get the work done and you get your privileges. She agreed.
Then we hugged, I found her a sleep timer app that will turn off the music on her phone from Spotify that she listens to when she goes to bed. We tested that to make sure it works and agreed on an hour as the time it will turn the music off.
She was smiling when she went to bed. I told her parents have to adjust to their kids getting older so asked her to be patient if it takes me a bit more time to realize she needs some more independence. I showed her the Getting to Calm book and told her I was getting help to figure it all out.
Today we're good. Tomorrow is a crapshoot....she's a tween. I have a little more than 2 years and then my grandson will be a tween and granddaughter a full fledged teen. I hope I survive!! Thanks for being her to help make that happen.
Hang in there!
For me the trick as a parent was to try and get my kid onto a more positive "what do you want to do, to determine who you are?" I'm still struggling with that, BUT it's a goal anyways.