sorry for spelling like I said I'm so very very upset..

I can feel your pain coming through your email. I don't have advice for you but offer you support and letting you know you are doing what you can as a Mom and doing the best you can. The only thing I can think of is maybe it is time to set some limits on what it will take for him to get to stay living with you. Maybe he would consider counseling?

Thank you Lexis for your support.. I sent to his Dad's in May after he pushed me down trying to force his way past me. He stayed there for 3 weeks and came begging to come home, I actually had him sit down with me a an IHOP so he couldn't act up and start yelling, we talked about boundries and rules and what was expected from him, he agreed to try, I also told him that I would let him know when he started going back to his old ways. But to no avail that didn't work, he was home only 10 days and things were back to the way they were. him yelling and cursings at me telling to F-off that he wasn't F-ing going to to this and that just awful.
Bottom line it's just abuse, which is something he saw and heard his Dad do.
I so feel like I've failed as a parent, mother, person..

My 14 yr old son is mean and hateful too. It's almost like he has no emotional bone in his body. We are currently in family counseling. We have all discovered things about ourselves and each other through counseling and we are trying to work through it.

Your son is ungrateful. Don't you dare punish yourself while he acts bratty. He is acting out because he knows that he is affecting you and that it bothers you terribly. Realize that he is burning his bridges and making his life harder with his current actions. Please feel better. You are not a bad parent he is doing a poor job as a son. I feel your pain. My husband feels that he has failed as a prent everytime my stepdaughter acts out but it is entirely her actions that causes her circumstances. Do not allow him to disrupt your home the way he has. Love him always but do not give up your energy.

Counseling sounds wonderful in words, but my kids want nothing to do with it. It has become a waste of money. They continue to behave in unacceptable manners, and I too don't like my children. I often wonder what we did wrong. We brought them up in a healthy marriage relationship, went to church, did the scout thing, sports were always part of their life, and we encouraged them always to consider college in their future. It hasn't worked. They still are very "spirited."

Wow! I am a mother of a 17 year old girl. I am trying really hard to get her under control, but it hasn't worked. Counseling, holding her hand while she does stuff only to be told by her later that she doesn't want to do this because her friends are doing something else. And that she needs the support of her friends and that she will behave if they do things together. She is an alcoholic, and lazy as ever. She has her good days, but they are few and far between. I get a good day only if she needs something from me.
I tried the tough love thing, kicking her out, and I got child neglect charges pending because she got suicidal on me and I had to call in a crisis counselor and the police came and put child neglect on me. I go to court here soon. I don't know how this will change my future. But I know it can't be good.
I wish I had not kicked her out now. I love her with all my heart, but her behavior has to stop, and she needs to grow up. Its so heartbreaking. I wish I could just lock her up in a room and feed her 3 squares and thats it. But wouldn't that be abuse too? I am so frustrated with how things are turning out for the both of us.
I hope campyone that you will see your accomplishments and always look up and hold your head high. Its tough to be a parent now days when the law is upside down and backwards. I feel your pain and hope that we can support each other in our journey to get our children on there feet and on the road to recovery.

campy - I can relate. I have a 17 year old son too who has been abusive to me, lies and can't admit what he's done wrong. I just have nowhere to send him. It is very frustrating. The "system" doesn't want him - he's to old. They've told me to pretty much deal with it. Nice - huh?
I've taken him to counseling - but he plays the counselors.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot, and I think you feel the same way too.
I'd love to say it gets better, but I'm in the middle of it so I don't know. All i can do is give you hugs and we can hope together that they will grow out of it.
I think it's anger, hormones and being afraid to grow up that makes them so nuts.

So many people tell me that they go though a second "babyhood" at this age and they come back to their senses at about 25.

I think it's a mean trick that nature is playing on us. bringing them back to temper tantrums when we are starting to go through menopause... it's all a cruel.test.. I'm convinced of it.
(((Campy)))

My Son is still at his Dad's, I love to say this is a good thing but just this weekend my son was gone for 3 days and his Dad did not have a clue where he was,( I did)
He is now 40 credits behind going into his senior year, he'll make up 15 in summer school, So he will most likey have to go to alternative school,
He comes over and stays once in awhile it's usally when he in trouble at his Dad's, just like he did when he got in trouble at home with me..When he is here he has been very nice and not giving me trouble...
MSViv,, that's too funny menapause and tempertantruams

I found counseling for my 15 yr old son did not work. But...counseling for my husband and I helped a lot in understanding him, why he acts the way he does and how to help guide him. I think when we realized we couldn't change him but we could change ourselves and our reactions to him things really turned around.

Went threw a few counselor's to get the good one, but the good one is worth a million bucks.

Great topic - very challenging times for all of us, although I do recall that at that age, regardless of today's times, it was all about me as well. Phoebe3141 discussed counseling and and as some of us have sated "to no avail" do the kids want to partake as I have experienced. If I bring it up I get shut down mode from both of my teenagers (daughter 16, son 18). although I agree with Phoebe's statement, " when we realized we couldn't change him but we could change ourselves and our reactions to him things really turned around". I too have used this approach and have seen/felt a difference. My suggestion is to stick with what you stated no yes no approach, and watch your inflection and tone in discussions. Not easy to do, I agree, but in doing so they don;t feel as though they are being "yelled". I know it is crazy, as when we were brought up - inflection tone, bah hum bug - you did what you were told or paid a consequence - that is something today that we as parents struggle with - sticking with the consequence - this to me seems where the problem enlays - our follow-through and adherence to original committment. When stating this I speak for myself as well. We as today's parents need to work as a community and build our parenting tactics through forums such as this. Hang in there Campyone - stay positive and stick to your guns - regarless of you childs demeanor he loves you unconditionally, remeber that - believe in yourself, have faith in your abilities! without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Being a single parent, let alone a history of physical abuse adds to your challenges - but you are woman and as Virginai Wolfe states "I am woman hear me roar" stay strong, my thoughts are with you.

I feel your pain I to have a 17yr old son. Every day is a battle. My heart goes out to you.

talk to your ex and write down your expectations for your son. Then you and your ex gut his room down to the mattress and 7 days of clothing. Then you and your ex have a sit down with him go over the expectations with him and have your ex (his dad) tell him in a very manly protective wasy " YOU DNT HIT OR GET PHYSICAL WITH YOUR MOTHER!, UNACCEPTABLE AND WONT BE TOLERATED" You explain to him that he has to earn his things back by showing respect to his parents and following the rules. But always remember..
Listen to them too, give your children the respect they deserve, be fair, give them love each day whether it is a gentle pat on the back or an all out hug. BE STRONG AND ALWAYS FOLLOW THRU, HIDE YOUR WEAKNESS, CRY WHEN YOU ARE ALONE. Finally get him a mentor or big brother that shows interests in same things as him. Hope that helps.