no offense, but you wouldn't drive him to the party because you didn't know about it beforehand, and it may have been a girlfriend, so why did you let him go on his own (where there may have been more secrets?)

well, you have to understand the relationship my son and i have...

i have always closely monitored and controlled who he spends time with and where he is at all times...he spends time at his dad's house with his extended step family(his dad works in Iraq)...he goes to adult-chaperoned parties of friends...he participates in church youth activities...he spends time with his Grandmothers, his young(26 y/o) aunt, and his cousins....BUTTT...it is very hard for me to let him go into an uncontrolled environment where he will be forced to make decisions...he himself has pointed out to me that i don't trust him...so letting him go on his own, was my way of letting go just a little...i'm trying to show trust in his abilities to make good choices...trying to make him think that he can make his own decisions....so that i can see what kind of decisions he does make....

and after he got back home...and had gone to sleep...i found a reciept for his food at CiCi's...and it was timestamped accordingly...so there in lies my dilemma...how much privacy is too much privacy...

I too am very close with my 16 year old son and trust him wholeheartedly. He has helped me through a rough time in my life and had to help care for his 2 younger sisters. I have no problem giving him any and all freedom, with that said I would never allow him to have a phone that I could not find out who he is communicating with. I would never allow him access to a computer where he could hide things from me. He is after all a 16 year old boy that still needs my guidance. I have the right as his mother to know every detail of his life and I honestly do not think my son would hide anything from me, but then again who knows and I am not willing to take that chance. I am only 18 years older than my son and remember what it was like when I was his age. The fact that your son is putting pass codes on his phone and computer means he has things to hide because otherwise he would not care if you saw his phone computer. That behavior would make me suspicious. I have always told my son that I would trust him until he gave me a reason not to. Hiding things for me would be that reason.

My son is 15, and he is also constantly texting his friends. A lot of the times I lean in to try to read what they are texting and he hides it "because it's private!". OK, whatever, but then when he's busy swimming I'll sometimes scan through them to make sure no funny business is going on, and all I'm reading is "What are you doing?".... "nothing, you?". Silly stuff at this point. He has his own 'private' password for his myspace, but his younger brother is listed as one of his friends, so I can still get into it and check it out every now and then. Once again, mostly nothing, but he still likes to think he has privacy. Like jsreichard said, until he gives me a reason not to trust him... And my son is very immature at times, so I sometimes have a hard time letting him go off on his own, as I'm afraid he will not make the right choices as well. He's my first, and it's harder to let go than it is for my second. But, I'm trying.

go on the trust you've already built, speak to him, let him know your getting these feelings - let him know why. Let him know that your trying to show him the trust but as his mom your worried and only with you two working together can this siutation go in a more positive direction for both of you. I'll bet 'to get you off his back' he'll agree to much more than you think from there it will turn into a more trusting relationship on his part as he sees your honesty in your feelings.

Hmm, Well I think you should have driven him to the party, walked in there and introduced yourself to the "Partent" of the child who part it is for, this way it will resolve a whole bunch of issues.

I am a teenager myself and I get along very well with my mother. I love her to bits and we really enjoy spending time together. As a teen I can understand your son wanting to have a certain amount of privacy. I myself find that looking at someone else's texts to be like eavesdropping on a conversation. I get sort of annoyed for example if my father is looking over my shoulder while I'm chatting with my friends on msn. At the same time I can understand your concerns and your need to keep a good, healthy handle on your son's activities and relations, that's normal and a very good thing. He is maybe shy or reluctant to let you see what he is saying to his friends because he thinks that it's personal, he is trying to take control of his relations and identity. Instead of worrying about what he is saying it is more important that you know who he is talking to and who his friends are. Ask for phone numbers, encourage him to invite his friends over to your place so that you can get to know who he is spending his time with. Get to know his friends parents and help each other in keeping parties, outings etc. safe and under control.

In that particular situation I have several suggestions on how things could have been done differently. Giving him a drive there and meeting the parents and kids there would have been a good way for you to scope the situation out and get to know who he was going to be spending the party with and who the parents were. You could then take a different privilege away for having told you last minute, that way you get a hold on the situation get to check things out for yourself and still give him consequences. Making sure to get the address, phone number, and who the host/hostess of the party as well as their parents names is essential to keeping good control but at the same time letting your son socialize and feel he has his own freedom as the majority teenagers like to.

Whether it's last minute or in advance I always give my mum the 4 W's and Phone. Who? What? Where? When? and the Phone number of where I will be or other phone numbers that may be useful. For example: I do not have a cell phone but if I went out skating with some friends I could leave her the cell phone number of someone with me in case she needs to get in touch.

There is always a way that you can retain a good balance of privacy and openness between parent and teen. I hope that I have been of help in some way to you and if you have any other questions or you would just like to talk about something I would be glad to see what I can do.

Best wishes,
honestyisstrength

wow!

thanks to everyone for the suggestions...

i am honestly taking all of them under advisement...

but i was particulary impressed with 'honestyisstrength's reply....

only because it was very articulate and informative and a response much like i would like to hear from my own teenage son....

thanks everyone...

-dr-