To some degree, it sounds like a teen thing. Their hormones are out of control. Even they surprise themselves sometimes. But the lack of respect for you and his angry attitude is troublesome. I'm hoping the school counselor can shed some light for you.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit him down and tell him you know he is angry at you and that he feels you did something to upset him. Although he has told you twice, you want to really listen this time and understand where he is coming from. Then do listen...actively listen even if what he says seems off the wall. Then I would thank him for sharing and tell him you need to think about what he has said (it will probably be better to have some time to process it instead of reacting right away). If he refuses to talk to him, let him know that his behavior isn't going to happen in your home and either he opens up to you or you are both going to counseling together. Let him know you love him and want to have a positive relationship with him and will do what it takes to make it so (but that doesn't include allowing him to regulate the mood of the home).

Another thought, did your sister get any insight during his stay there?

I can sense your frustration and stress. You may find you have to clear your plate some so you have time to finish raising your son. I know it can be difficult.

Best of luck.

excellent advice. i am going to do this. on sunda, i will sit with him and have this talk.
i just am not sure how to make sure that he doesn't regulate the mood..
his negativity is so strong. his little brother feels the brunt of it. his older brother is just exasperated because he never helps out.
how do you actually get him to do chores if he outright says no, i can take away internet or whatever, he doesn't care.
i'm looking for so much advice. please give me more :)

Boys are doers, not talkers ... they often say the most when they aren't paying attention to the conversation. This means being able to find an activity to do together when interaction is "normal". So, bowling is in, going to hte movies is out.
Every person that I've spent time with has their own "currency", or sense of what's valuable / important to them ... the trick is realizing what it is. Internet is big for most teens; unless he doesn't tend to go on it then perhaps he's just bluffing ...
Knowing how things went with your sisten & brother in law could also be helpful when putting the pieces together & figuring him out.
Noting that you are single, I would have to ask you about his father's role in all of this ... it doesn't sound supportive, so destructive or non-existent could be. I know that even after I clearly told my son that my break-up was "certainly not more of his mother's fault", he still went on to blame her more and remain angry at her ... if I had played his emotions I could have turned him into an impossible monster.

My first thought is to encourage daily "time-ins" where the world stops for 15 minutes only for the simplest bonding. If he's been angry for two years, then he probably won't break down in one night.

Finally - there is something there that makes him want to be angry ... he probably reminds himself, or he would forget after 2 years.

Best wishes,

The chore thing is hard. I fight with my 14 year old all the time. I have a disability too so he feels the extra burden. But I tell him I really need his help and wouldn't ask if I didn't think he could do it. Then I try to give him a positive reinforcement. Depending on what he does. It could be an ice cream or a special dinner he likes. Or it could be a new game and such. When I have tried to take priviledges away, it doesn't seem to matter to him. I'm not sure that works real well. Plus I prefer to parent from a positive reinforcement stand point.

Just read your posting about your son. I totally feel your pain n frustration. These teens are something else,huh?!

I am a single parent with a 16 year old girl who has a strong aka stubborn personality and ADHD. Yeah, I understand. We used to be so close too. She has really changed. It was painful for me at first as I am sure it is for you. We love our kids so much and a relationship with them is very important to us. In spite of my desire to be close to her and my feelings of abandonment and fear which are natural, I realized that I needed to accept that she is in a stage of her development where social skills development is a natural biological priority. These skills are learned through life experiences which the social drive and peer pressure are a huge part of. Does this make sense? It is all a natural phase of development and I forgot to include there is another natural drive toward INDEPENDENCE. It is a healthy and natural drive needed to be able to function as an adult someday.

So, with all this being said, I had to realize that she is changing and that I need to accept this change and roll with it. I had to understand that I am on a back burner now and her friends and peers were hogging up the front burners. AND to not take it personally. And to accept that our relationship would also change.

Practically speaking, I backed-off. I stopped trying to get her to talk to me. I stopped trying to keep a close relationship with her but not in an angry, mean or spiteful attitude or heart. I maintained my tenderness n loving way n just gave her emotional space.

Her response? She relaxed and was less irritable with me. She also started opening up to me She shared her thoughts n feelings more. She told me about more things with her friends or situations she experienced. Then I had to learn that she knows it all and that my advice wasn't valued much. So, I do more listening to her thoughts n ideas and stopped "lecturing" and sharing my wisdom and advice.

I learned to enjoy my back burner. It's not so bad. I am thankful to actually have a great relationship with my daughter and to watch her grow and develop before my eyes at a pretty rapid rate. It is truely amazing how the brain evolves during these teen years to change a child to an adult. LET GO & LET GOD CREATE HIS MASTERPIECE :-)

Athina, I agreee 100%! I have a 15 yr old son, who is so smart and independent. I was struggling with him growing up and me letting go because he is my only child and I really wanted to hang out with him and have that close mother-son relationship. But the more I pushed, the more I was pushing him away. I have also learned to sit on that back burner and wait for him to come to me, which is difficult sometimes, but it saves us having alot of arguments in the long run! To qoqoiz, I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like your son is manipulating you and toying with your emotions because he knows he can. Don't give this thing one more thought. You tell him that if he truly has a problem with you the only way to fix it is to talk it out and if he is not willing to do this than you will not hear another word about it again. You carry on about your daily business. You are still taking care of him and keeping him safe as a mother should, but that is all your job is at this point. If he wants to hang out or talk than just listen, but don't push it. Is his father involved in his life? This is an important time in a boy's life where they need a father figure bond. I have learned this by experience. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

I hear you. Oh, boy, do I hear you. My son does the same "I already told you" thing & if there was some significant thing he told me, it's not on my radar. He also does the outright refusal thing; I've taken away EVERYTHING & he just doesn't care. I've talked nicely to him, talked not-so-nicely to him, ignored him, rode him--nothing has worked. I'm not saying this to discourage you, just to say: Brace yourself, just in case.

Hi gogogiz,
I am sorry you are struggling with your relationship with your son, that can be really hard. I have come across similar challenges with my own children and would love to offer a few suggestions. Please know that they are just suggestions and in no way am I suggesting I have all the answers because I don't.
Still, this is what worked for me. When my son would not talk to me and was always angry I told him that we needed to work it out if we were going to remain under the same roof. I gave him a few options and we went from there. The options were, go to counseling, talk to me, find another place to live, seek out a former youth pastor or family member he trusted etc.. We eventually worked through it and now have a loving, open and honest relationship. Only you can decide what options will work best for you and your son. Two things that worked really well were to continually remind him that I loved him and that it was his behavior-not him-that I was struggling with. I also never gave up. If one option did not work I tried a new one until I found one that worked for the both of us.
It was not easy and we had are moments of serious pain but we got through it and the relationship was restored.
Sometimes simply speaking from your heart can have a huge effect on the relationship as well. I let my son see my tears on occasion as well as my strength. They need to know we are human and will make mistakes too.
I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.