Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
i am having a problem with my 16 yr old son. He has started to smoke weed and hanging out with the wrong crowd, his grades a failing, he wants to drink, to top it off he refuse to go to therapy and now he has a girl pregnant. What am i to do. I've talked,I grounded him, I've taken away privledges, I think I'm going to have to send him to boot camp I don't know.
If you have not already, it is important that you talk to the girl's parents and discuss what has been going on, as well as work things out together so that both families are on the same page and working collaboratively.
In terms of his other behaviour and refusing to get support to deal with his substance abuse problems, the situation is difficult but not impossible. First I must say strongly that I do not recommend boot camp for a variety of reasons:
1. Grouping people who exhibit bad behaviour together makes their behavioural or discipline problems worse.
2. Boot camp is very impersonal and will not deal with the situation in a constructive manner.
3. Often children and/or teens are shouted at and otherwise treated in a rather brutal and violent manner. Children and teens are like sponges and have been psychologically proven to follow by example. If they are shouted at or treated in a violent manner, this teaches them to do the same.
You do seem to be generally on the right track. Taking away privileges, talking and grounding him are good steps. Keep alcohol out of your house and insist that he go straight home from school and call you when he arrives. Let the school know about what is going on. The guidance office or administration is there to help you. Give him ultimatums, such as no effort in school, no internet access. There are lots of groups out there for teens with these sorts of issues. Be supportive and try and get him to help himself, because you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Look for underlying problems that may be causing his unreasonable behaviour and tell him the hard facts about what he is doing and how this will effect his future. (My mom used to smoke a cigarette every once and a while and I was able to convince her to stop by annoying her every single time she did, as well as telling her how smoking one cigarette is taking approximately one day off your life.)
If the influence of some bad friends is contributing to this situation you may consider trying to get him involved in any kind of group activity. In can be a religious group of some kind, a sports team, a film club, volunteer position of some sort etc. Getting involved in other activities like this will not only increase his self esteem but also help him make new friends. It can be a good way to a fresh start, and if he is busy with something that interests him, he is much less likely to get into trouble.
(One thing that I think may work, personally, if everything else doesn't work is to start over in a new school. This is not something that I have read or known to have been studied as being successful like the other steps I have mentioned, but it may be a way for him to start with a clean slate. At the new school get him to join clubs and make good friends, and keep close tabs on him.)
I hope that some of this information is at least somewhat useful to you. I would consider getting in contact non-profit organization or group that deals with issues like this. Don't be shy when it comes to asking for help from anyone, and know that even when things are down you are a good person for fighting your way through. It takes a lot of courage and dedication to help someone and it also takes the same amount, if not more for the person you are trying to help to accept the help and get themselves through their hard time. Be patient and surround yourself with people who are on your side. Feel proud that you are doing the right thing, you are a good mom. I wish you the best of luck and feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk. You can do it! A teacher once told me when I was having a hard time, "Sing a happy tune on your way home." Keep positive and never give up. I believe in you, and I am sure there are lots of people and groups out there that will also believe in you if you reach out to them.