Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.

1,199 Members
2,144 Posts
0 Online
Children's Health & Parenting
/ Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

Evicting an 18 year old out

SJF1974
SJF1974
This has been a very painful weekend.

My son has been troubled for a few years now- arrested for graffiti, drug and alcohol use, sexually promiscuous behavior (resulting in 2 abortions), not coming home, dropped out of high school his senior year, disrespectufl, etc. I have wrapped services around him with therapy and psychiatrist. He refuses to take his prozac. I sought inpatient treatment for drug rehab and they said he doesn't qualify as his usage isn't an addiction it's recreational.

I am a single parent with MS and he's running me into the ground and I can't take it anymore. He is also acting like his father who was abusive (he doesn't know that- I lived with his father only while he was a baby and we haven't seen him since my son was 4) and I find myself needing to rewrite history and take control. I'm doing it for myself because I need to survive this and I think I can heal myself from the past by making different choices this time around. I'm also doing it for him- he needs to learn consquenes. I dont know what his rock bottom is because if I went though even one of the things that he has I would get it- he doesn't.

I want him to live at my mother's house and she is willing and wants to take him but he refuses due to his part time job (she lives 45 min away and he doesn't drive) and he prefers to be homeless instead. I think he's staying with friends bouncing around. I decided to move his stuff to my mom's this weekend so that he will be more likely to move there. He came home yesterday and saw his stuff packed and freaked. We discussed that his was going to happen at our last counseling session last week so it's not like it should have been a total shock. And I didn't actually pack his stuff I did laundry for 2 days and it was sitting in tubs so that he could pack himself but he took at as me "throwing him out." I kind of am I guess but he has a safe plae to go but he refuses.

Has anyone else been through this? Advice? Words of wisdom?

Tough love is tough. Sigh.
lchoppel
lchoppel
I just joined this group and am experiencing similar situation. I was wondering, if you are still active with this post, how things are going? I can't offer any words of advice, but looking to you to offer me advice if possible? How have things worked out for your family?
SJF1974
SJF1974
He is living with a friend and his family for the time being. I will not allow him to return home unless he lives with my mom for a month or two so she can monitor his progress with drug tests, counseling compliance, being medication compliant, making progress/completing GED, demonstrating respectful behavior, following rules, etc. My son is very hurt that I am taking this strong position with him and refuses to live with my mom but I'm planning on moving his stuff over there to make it easier for him to agree to her location. He wants to keep his job nearby so this is the reason he refuses even though her place is in walking distance to the mall and a ton of potential jobs. He's sad, he wants to come home, it's not an easy situation but I believe I'm doing the right thing. What is your situation?
lchoppel
lchoppel
My son was kicked out of college for drugs and alchol, became very depressed and suidicial upon his return home. I had him admitted to a mental facility here in Maryland, Sheappard Pratt, where he stayed for a week. All became clear to him during this time, and he was released agreeding to seek alchol and drug counseling. The very next day he was smoking pot in his room, Week later, he turns into a thief in the night, gets caught drinking walking the streets, admits he stole the items in his bookbag and then spends the night in jail for petty thieft. Continues to smoke, even has the balls to smoke in our home in his room. We had taken off his bedroom door previously and just returned it. Found him sneaking people (homeless friends) in the night into our house. He is not physically abusive to us, verbally outraged. This morning was the last straw where I told him to leave immediately, but that he had 1 month to find a place to live. He has court dates through 8/10 and dad or I would have to take him as he does not have a car (every job he gets he gets fired from).

Brian was a "spirited" child, an ADHD situation. We took him to a doctor's every month regularly since he was 6 for medication and home modification. We learned how to deal with his ADHD and used non-medication practices along with the meds. He went to church, grew up a boy scout, was an honor rool student before he got kicked out of school for fighting. A really good kid, until... It's now 3:29 am and I don't know where he is. I'm worried, but someone told me sometimes we have to kick the bird out before he learns to fly or something like that, so i'm hanging tough. But still woried as a mother would naturally.
I just feel like we have lost him totally at this point.
lchoppel
lchoppel
oh, I have MS too and have all that to deal with myself.
lchoppel
lchoppel
today I told my son to leave and took his house keys. I have been crying every since and worry every moment about where he is. I know he has no place to go, not any reliable friends. I know I have to be strong and give him time to see what he had and what and how he screwed up, but gee, it hurts something fierce.
SJF1974
SJF1974
Wow we have a LOT in common. Both have MS AND difficult teens? There should be a support group for that! :)

I believe my son has ADD but haven't been successful in getting a dx but he has all the signs....I think his physician will help us out as the school said it was just emotional problems.

Hang in there I am here for you. :)
lchoppel
lchoppel
It's been 2 very long nights for me with my son gone, not knowing where he is or if he is warm and fed. Today, Saturday, he called me, telling me HE won't live like he has been and doesn't like the way HE is treated and won't come home to it. I told HIM we would not tolerate his lying anymore, smoking pot in his room, stealing from us, or sleeping the day away with no job. He didn't seem to care much. I'm so disraught over the whole thing, but I need to stay strong and let him decide when he will come home to live under our rules. Someone gave him a tent and he is living in some woods in the neighborhood somewhere, and said he spent his last $5 on hotdogs to cook on a fire. He acted like I should be apologizing to HIM. I guess he is not hungry enough, or cold enough. Monday we need to head to Frostburg, MD (about 3-4 hour drive from home) to attend a court hearing the next day for his drug charges from college. I hope he comes home for that at least so he doesn't get arrested again for non-appearance. Maybe during that time we will have the opportunity to talk about all that is going on, and he will understand how I expect him to behave and contribute to being a member of our family. It is a long drive, and will require us to stay overnight for early morning court appearance (Dad is staying home with sister). I just hope he can swallow his pride by then, and come to the conclusion that living right means something to him and he will conform. He really thinks he is the injured party in this situation. He doesn't see his faults in this whole situation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm looking for options and solutions too. I hope you don't mind me joining in the conversation. My daughter blames all her failures on me and as such has not progressed. She doesn't have the tools or the knowledge to make it on her own and she refuses instruction. I don't know how much more of her verbal and emotional abuse I can take and i don't know how I can kick her out when she isn't capable of making it on her own. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place! Any suggestions?
lchoppel
lchoppel
I'm not so sure kicking out a child is the answer anymore to changed behavior in a child. I did, and my son returned 4 days later, not much different. A little bit better, but not much. I experienced 4 lousy days of horrific anxiety worrying about him, he survived. With a daughter, I think I would be more tolerant because I wouldn't want a daughter out on the streets, thinking she doesn't have the facilities to take care of herself the same way a boy does. I know this is a sexist statement, but that is how i feel. I really don't know what I would do if my problems with my son were those problems of a daughter. I think I would be more tolerant of the problems and not end up kicking them out, but I could be wrong. I think I would cut off all that I provide to my daughter, i.e., phone, car, money in any form, until they agree to therapy or some kind of treatment. I just don't have any good sound answers for you and I hope someone else here does. I'm sorry. It is a very tough problem.
deleted_user
deleted_user
More than changing behavior I need a break for my own mental well being. I'm not very strong anymore it seems as this daily battle has been going on for a couple of years. We tried family counseling and individual counseling. Neither worked as she admittedly lied to the therapist. You gave good options though - taking away all the extras I provide. I work full time doing customer service - gruelling to the mind as it is, and being a single parent I don't get the support I need so I really appreciate the sharing.
SJF1974
SJF1974
The more the who join this thread the better- when is enough enough? I don't think kicking the kid out of the house is the right answer for every situation. I was a difficult teen myself. I'm lucky my folks didn't give up on me. Can you afford boarding school? I was ready to use my son's college money to put him into rehab but they wouldn't accept him as they don't feel he has an addiction problem.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish I had the money to help her. I've raised her alone since I was 3 months pregnant with her and there is no monetary or otherwise help from my ex-husband. I struggle to financially survive as it is. I've decided to call the cops if she damages my property again and have her physically removed from the house. I know it sounds harsh but maybe the legal system can provide her the help that I can't.
Did you try different rehabs? I can't imagine him being denied particularly if he admits to having a problem. You/he might want to try AA or NA depending on the addiction. Even if only 1 meeting is attended there may be additional resources for him/you there.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Tough love really is tough, however, it can get even tougher if he is not put in a position to grow up. When a child (I call him that because he will always be your child) gets to a point that they have no respect for their mother/parent they will not have respect for anyone. Its time to cut the apron strings and let experience be his teacher. Since he has life figured out it is probably time for him to work the plan that he thinks works for him. What is interesting is that you said he was shocked to see his things packed. He was shocked because he heard you say the words but did not believe you would ever do it. If this has been a pattern with you towards him then my sister it is time to make a believer out of him and stand up. Say what you mean and mean what you say. He is accountable for his actions and choices now. If you continue to let him hold on to your skirt tail he will not grow up and he will dominate your household because he sees you as being weak. Also, if he is refusing to go to your mother's home, chances are he will treat her the same way as he does you.