Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years now. He cheated for 2 years with my best friend. We didn't fight or have a bad marriage. I thought it was great until I found out about the affair. We have a 17 yr old son and 15 yr old daughter. I didn't tell our kids why I was divorcing him. I didn't want to ruin their relationship with him. Since the divorce, I have done everything within my power to encourage their father to spend time with his kids, which he did. About a year after the divorce, we told our kids why we divorced. I still encouraged their relationship with him. He has remarried and the new "step mom" has a younger daughter. My ex started out spending time with his kids at his house (which I am ok with) until about a year ago, his wife started acting nuts (i.e., pulling out her hair, biting herself, screaming, beating her head against the walls.... you get the pic). After several scary, screaming incidents where step mom "lost it", my daughter has chosen to not go around her and this includes staying with her dad. Her dad doesn't seem to understand that she is afraid of his new wife and doesn't want to be around her. He doesn't think the woman has a problem. He, in essence, has chosen his "new family" over his own kids. I am having a difficult time helping my daughter to cope with this. Understand me....I don't bad-mouth their dad to them. They have enough to deal with as teenagers without me saying anything negative about their dad. She has such harsh feelings for her dad right now. She spends no time with him. Every time she talks to him about it, he says he understands but his actions speak differently. Also, I have encouraged my kids to give step mom a chance and to try to help her when they are with them. Is my daughter perfect? NO. Does she roll her eyes at them? YEP!! Could she have handled some of the situations differently? Absolutely.
He and I don't have a bad "divorced parents" relationship and I have tried (to no result) to talk to him about the problems between him and his daughter. I understand that he needs to partition his time between both his new wife and step daughter and his kids. However, he is not doing that. He says he loves his kids but his actions prove different. How do I help them? How do I help my daughter with her feelings of abandonment and resentment for her dad?
He and I don't have a bad "divorced parents" relationship and I have tried (to no result) to talk to him about the problems between him and his daughter. I understand that he needs to partition his time between both his new wife and step daughter and his kids. However, he is not doing that. He says he loves his kids but his actions prove different. How do I help them? How do I help my daughter with her feelings of abandonment and resentment for her dad?
I think you've already done just about everything that you can do to save their relationship, and the rest is up to them. Perhaps in time, he will come to realize the irrationality of his new wife's erratic behavior, and acknowledge the effect its having on his other relationships. (Just think, if family is uncomfortable and doesn't want to be around, how is she around his friends?)
Until then, perhaps you can arrange an 'outing' night for them to spend time together, with just each other, and keep supporting 'them'.