Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
I don't even know where to start. After being married for 16 years to an abusive man, I finally left him over a year ago and got divorced on April of this year. I have custody of my girls, but he manipulates them and they believe all his lies. They feel bad for him because he tells them he is sick and depressed and is all my fault. He is upset because I have since moved on and I am dating someone else. My girls like the man I am dating, but they are afraid of showing it because their dad has told them if they show him any affection or even likes he would disappear and never see them again. Because of everything that he has said about me, my daughters are against me, well 2 of them. They prefer daddy no matter what I've done since to make a better life for them. They have their days when they are ok, but some days are very difficult and many times I feel that they probably hate me. Being a single mother has become very difficult for me and many times I want to just give up, but I would never leave my girls alone with their dad as I know he is a monster.
I get very little child support from him and I have to go paycheck to paycheck, and is never enough. I am always broke.
To make matters worse, our dog dislocated her hop and needs surgery. Surgery is $3000 and I cant afford it. I have tried and called everyone and anyone, including the humane society and ASPCA and nothing. Vet clinics want full payment up front and I dont even have pet insurance. My baby has been limping and in pain for 1 week already. I feel I am going crazy and I have no help. Life has become too difficult since I left my ex and I know I never want to go back, but I feel I am paying now for leaving. I dont know how worth is life right now. Feeling too depressed and I cant even show it.
I get very little child support from him and I have to go paycheck to paycheck, and is never enough. I am always broke.
To make matters worse, our dog dislocated her hop and needs surgery. Surgery is $3000 and I cant afford it. I have tried and called everyone and anyone, including the humane society and ASPCA and nothing. Vet clinics want full payment up front and I dont even have pet insurance. My baby has been limping and in pain for 1 week already. I feel I am going crazy and I have no help. Life has become too difficult since I left my ex and I know I never want to go back, but I feel I am paying now for leaving. I dont know how worth is life right now. Feeling too depressed and I cant even show it.
OK... for the dog:
Google "non Profit vet bills" or something to that effect. There are organizations - some even based in New Jersey - that will help you cover the cost of vet bills. Seek them out. Here's an example:
http://www.aplnj.org/assets/pdf/VBAP_Other_Organizations.pdf
http://www.vet-i-care.org/
http://www.thepetfund.com/
OK... on to the humans...
Are you and your girls in therapy? If not, seek it out. Ask the girls school (call the main district number) if there is a counselor available for families. Sometimes they offer free counseling sessions through the district, or will know of resources for you. LOTS of families struggle with what you and your girls are going through. Do not allow your ex to emotionally abuse your girls. Seek help.
Meanwhile, as you seek out help... do your best to NOT "trash talk" your ex. It will only serve to solidify whatever negative spin he is trying to confuse your girls with, and mess with their minds more. Any time you say anything negative towards him or your former relationship with him, it will only make them believe their dad more, and have more sympathy for him. Keep your negative thoughts to yourself. Or write them down here where they are safe.
I speak from experience here, as my mom trash talked my dad and it only made me angry at my mom and brought me closer to my dad. Even though my dad had sexually abused me and also abandoned me!!
I know - it makes no sense. But it's just so very common in situations like what you're describing. When parents try to play the kids or use the kids to "get back" at the other parent... it's a control game. It's abusive. So YOU be the better parent and do not participate in that.
Over time, with you keeping things positive - positive talk, positive thinking, not allowing yourself to say anything negative - and with the help of therapy, your girls should come around. They'll start to see their dad for who he truly is, and that he is trying to control them.
As for the new guy you're dating... that sort of raises a red flag. With everything that is currently on your plate, it just seems like that would be something you don't need right now. I would probably take that extra s l o w.
Good luck. ((hugs))
I'm sorry to hear about your dog, I hope Jeneiram's suggestions help.
Having been in the rest of your situation myself, I have to agree that it is best to rise above and avoid trash talk, and find a family counselor instead. Also, I found a support network of friends and family who were positive and backed me up in front of my kids. Expect your ex to try to weaken and break down your positive relationships, however, or at least trash talk them to your kids. You are a lot less scary by yourself.