Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.

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rockym 11/25/2011

I am hoping to get some sound advice here regarding my son who will be 14 next Saturday. He is in the 8th grade. He has ADHD with limited impulse control and is not on medication. We tried meds but all 8 prescriptions we tried made him worse. He also has a behavior disorder and that is included in his IEP at school in addition to learning disabilities. I truly beleive most of his issues are related to school as he is much better at home since we have gone through therapy and parent training to learn how to deal with him over the last 2 years. He started 8th grade in alternative school due to behavior and was just recently transferred back to his home school since he did so well in alternative.

My problem:

My son has a lot of friends, some good, some not so good. He has one particular friend that is a known pot smoker and trouble maker. I know this because my son has told me that this kid smokes or smoked pot and a teacher at his school had confirmed that. My oldest son was peeking at his phone texts a couple of weeks ago and he found a text from my son to this boy asking if he was going to bring vodka to the high school game that night. The boy replied by sending a picture of the vodka and said yes. This text was not found until a few days after this occured and my son had gone to the game but did not appear to be drunk or high when we picked him up. I have never suspected that he has been and I watch pretty closely with both of my boys for this. Once I found this out I have told my son that I do not want him hanging around with this kid because he is bad news. Of course he denied anything about the text and just threw a huge fit when I confronted him about it. My son has taken great offense to this and has accused me of not trusting him and that I want him to lose his friends because pretty much all of his friends are friends with this boy. My son has always been against drugs and smoking (at least around me) but my fear is that he will end up trying pot and will like it. I had talked to a drug and alcohol counselor when the school had him come in for parents night. I told him about my son and he said that he would be high risk to smoke pot because that is usually the drug of choice people with ADHD choose to self medicate. My older son who will be 19 next weekend has told me that I too much in his brothers life and I am suffocating him and I need to back off before he does run off and do something stupid to spite me. I agree with this to an extent but I am just not sure what to do here because I am afraid that if I do back off even a little he will fail miserably as that is his track record. Part of me thinks that if I stay on top of him and control who he is around like I have been will backfire and he will rebel even more. I am really struggling with this. My husband works 75 hours a week and isn't around to help out so it's pretty much on me. I'm not sure what to do here, back off or beef up seccurity and risk pushing him away even more. Anyone with experience in this, please respond. Thanks for reading, sorry so long.

deleted_user 11/25/2011

In my opinion you should beef up security and if he runs off then that's when you call the police to report a runaway. Let him know that when you say to stay away from this kid you mean what you say.
I know from personal experience that these kids WILL use pot and DO self medicate. But it does not stop at pot and that's the biggest problem. I also believe these kids are more susceptible to become addicted, because of the self medicating effects.
You really have a tough road ahead, but know you are not alone and what you do right now could save your son in the long run.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

WinterBlossom 02/14/2012

In my opinion you have to bluff like you are backing off, but keep a vigilant eye. Keep your son close and constantly reassure him with statements like " I know you have a good head on your shoulders and you know how to make good choices"..." You've always been a great kid and I'm so blessed to have you as a son"...constant affirmation of what you want him to believe and to know in his heart. You have to appeal to your son in a more powerful way than what is the attraction of the pothead kid. For the most part our kids want to be loved and please us. But if we nag them then they run because they see themselves more as adults than children now.
I would also try to monopolize his time away from school with family things, fun things (sports and fun outings) and household jobs. A busy kid is a kid less prone to trouble.
All the best!

rockym 02/15/2012

I totally agree Winterblossom. It's been a couple of months since I posted this and a lot has happened. My son actually ended up back in alternative school because his grades were horrendous and he couldn't keep up with the traditional mainstream curriculum, he needs more one on one help due to learning disabilities, not to mention he cheated on an assignment right in front of the teacher. This just proved to us that he wanted to go back there but didn't want to be the one to request the transfer. The boy I was trying to keep him away from got into so much trouble for fighting he was kicked out of that school too. I was worried he would come back to alternative school with my son as well but luckily they refused him and he was sent somewhere else. This boy also got arrested for shoplifting a couple of weeks ago. I think my son realizes how much trouble he is. I do feel bad for the kid though, a teacher told me that his parents are just not there for him. Too bad. Anyway, my son has really gotten into powerlifting and even had his first competition this past Saturday. he didn't do to well, but the guys at the gym he trains at have been awesome and taken him in as a little brother. He is spending a lot of time and energy on this. Don't worry, I have talked to his trainer about not wanting my son take take steroids or any enhancement drugs and the trainer was in total agreement. I did beef up security a bit but without him knowing it. I talk to other parents to find out what's going on and check his facebook any chance I get. Things are going well for now! Thanks for your responses.

WinterBlossom 02/16/2012

RockyM, that is awesome! You should give yourself a big pat on the back for being such a vigilant parent and helping your son through a bumpy time of transition and getting him on the right path. You are proof it can be done.

rockym 02/20/2012

OMG, what is it with kids these days? I would have started a new discussion but it is related to my original discussion here. Another one of my son's 'friends' was busted with marijuana. The kid was actually bragging about it on Facebook how he got put on diversion or probation. My son was up front and totally honest when he saw it, he didn't have to tell me but he did, so that makes me feel a bit relieved. Now this kid that just got busted I have known since he was 4! His parents are present and strict. I feel like I'm in the game space invaders where you have to shoot the little space rocks(friends with drugs) to keep your ship (my son)from being destroyed and as the game goes the rocks start attacking faster and faster! I am trying to keep my kid away from all of this but he seems to be surrounded by it! We don't even live in a bad part of town where you would expect this. We live in the best public school district in our city, this is why we moved into this house 20 years ago. Sorry, I am just venting, this just really worries me. This kid posted it on FB on Saturday night, on Sunday he entered a post sarcastically thanking his parents for him having to be home alone doing nothing---like he shouldn't even be grounded! His mom replied to that post telling him to get his ass off of FB because he was grounded. What nerve! I so hope my son is able to resist the temptation and chose his friends wisely. He's not even in high school yet. Argh!

WinterBlossom 02/20/2012

Wow, I'm with you RockyM, I totally get it. Working in the middle school I have gone through periods of depression because of the knowledge I gain from working there of what the kids are like. The attitudes are scary, they think drugs, alcohol, sex all that is fun and for them. There are kids there on suicide watch and also being watched for drug sales. Yes, middle school. And our district is one of the top ten in the state of Florida. It's very saddening, I could cry some nights. I would go back to homeschool if I could afford to do it and not have to work to make ends meet. I feel like as a society we are living SO far out of the range of how we were designed by God to live. A thought kept running through my mind today and it was 'I miss the good ole days when people were actually kind to one another'. I know that the teens are in this weird period of their lives where they look like big people, and their bodies are pulling them to do things that are made for grown ups. But their minds are still like little children. That is hard to remember when you see some of their snarling faces.
I think back to when I was a teen, I was a terrible teen. I tried all kinds of drugs and was sleeping around starting at 14. I was mouthy and disrespectful. I did what I wanted to do whenever I wanted. I was probably one of the worst kinds of teens. But, my mom had this friend and she was young and bold and fresh out of the army. She had her own family and I liked to spend time with them when I was allowed. This woman would punch me on the arm really hard every time I saw her. Really hard! Bruised me...I loved her. She didn't put up with my garbage and I thought she was real with me and cared. So I try to be like that with the kids at school, minus the punching. Just real and blunt. Anyway, don't know where I was going with all that, it's just like a big puzzle and as moms we are trying to put it all together and get some kind of masterpiece out of it in the end. (I'm a single mom, do dads worry like this about their kids?...cuz this seems a little one sided.)

rockym 02/21/2012

I don't think my husband worries as much about it as I do but he seems to rely on me to take care of all of that. He works killer hours so he's hardly home. When he is he tries to spend as much time with our youngest son as much as possible but sometimes I kind of have to force him to. I know he is tired and needs time to himself as well. It is alot for one person to worry about.

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